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I was abused my whole life and I need to let some of it out

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Scarredlilartist, Jan 7, 2017.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Scarredlilartist

    Scarredlilartist lesbian-artist-dreamer

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    Hi, my name is Kat, I'm having a really hard time right now and I really need someone to talk to. I've lived with an abusive father up until this past year, he was emotionally, sexually, verbally, and physically abusive. He was very very cruel to me and my brothers and mother, but I got the worst of it, many of the things he did she didn't even know about because he made me promise not to tell anyone or he'd do worse. He pulled a gun multiple times. At one point when I was about 9 he left us and I wandered into my neighborhood friends garage, her older brother and his friends were there and they raped me...and to this day, I blame myself. Why eould I blame myself for something like that someone might ask? But it really was my fault, you see, as a child I got no good attention, the only attention I got from my father was bad, he never once told me he loved me. He called me worthless, and that I was a fucked up problem. He said he would ship me away in a box and sell me. He said he didn't want me and that I shouldn't have been born. He told me I was fat and ugly from the time I was 6. He would beat me. And torment me. And worse. So now u know a teeny bit about him and I, you can maybe understand why I I went into the garage on my own free will. I didn't know what they were going to do to me, only that they wanted me to hang out with them and they thought I was pretty. My friends brother asked me to sit on his lap, I was a child craving live and attention, so I did. When he was rubbing my legs, I didn't protest, when his friends were demanding I show them what was underneath my skirt however, I did, but not enough. And they raped me. I blame myself bc I could have gotten away. There have been many instances like this of me being hurt, by my dad or someone else, and I kept it it and told myself, it's ok, you deserved it, an that somehow made it easier to deal with..I don't really understand my logic, I'm a teenage girl, not a psychologist. In fact I'm not seeing one. I have tried to open up to my mother multiple times, and she calls me selfish for complaining...she doesn't know, I never told her. When they were raping me, they were laughing and talking to me and trying to make me look at them..I have a voice in my head.all day it calls me worthless, not because I was raped, just because of who I am. I was raised in a baptist church. No one was ok with homosexuality. My grandmother suggested giving me hormones to make me normal. I am an artist, it started as ecsapism. I actually teach art right now. I'm really lonely, I don't make friends easily because I'm shy and strange and slightly distant. I have never had anyone to open up to, if your ok with me doing so please reply. I feel bad for complaining. But I can't hold things in any longer.
    Thank you, love Kat
     
  2. amelia renee
    Balanced

    amelia renee Curious Explorer
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    Wow. I don't think I could be of any use here because I haven't experienced anything like this. I can't imagine what kind of position you must be in right now and how these experiences impacted you, and I'm so sorry to hear about you not having anyone to open up to. I totally understand needing someone to talk to, and you can feel free to message me. Even if I won't have a good idea of how to help you, I'm at least a good listener.
     
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  3. naturegal
    Zorro

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    Hi Kat :) 
    I'm sorry that all of these things have happened to you. They are not your fault and you shouldn't have to live with any guilt. You are worth so, so much. If you ever want to talk, I am here.
     
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  4. Scarredlilartist

    Scarredlilartist lesbian-artist-dreamer

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    Thanks both of you
     
  5. amelia renee
    Balanced

    amelia renee Curious Explorer
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    Of course! You deserve to have someone to talk to about this.
     
  6. naturegal
    Zorro

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    totally. we are here.
     
  7. angel70
    Supportive

    angel70 The Old Guy
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    If you have insurance, seeing a therapist probably would be a good idea. Nobody ever gets over a history of childhood abuse, but you can learn to make enough adjustments to get your share of whatever happiness is going around.

    The best thing about psychotherapy for you is that it will give you a chance to develop trust in at least one person -- it's a rare therapist who can't be trusted. Trust can be taught, as a skill. There are people in your world who could be trusted if you knew how, and some who would be willing and happy to give you the nurturance you missed as a child.

    I hope you can find a path to love. It can't cure everything, but it can cure a lot.
     
  8. DragonBorn

    DragonBorn Hot Cookie
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    You shouldn't blame yourself because you were just a child when that happened. Don't let society's "blame the victim" mentality do the thinking in your situation, none of it was your fault. Keep staying stronge, dont give up we are here for you
     
  9. Varda

    Varda Greenhorn

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    Hey
    I can't relate to the hardships and agonizing sorrow that you have been through because I'm not in your position. However you were a child and it wasn't your fault, you have done nothing to feel guilty about. DON'T let what your mother says bog you down. I'll be here whenever you need to vent out
     
  10. Jade325
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    Jade325 Addictive Contributor
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    Hey.
    I'm so sorry about all this. I wish I understood the pain. Although if you need anyone to talk to, i'm here. :)  Ok?
     
  11. Aliya123

    Aliya123 Lurker

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    Hi I been through something similar . If you want to talk I'm available on Skype - Aliya.khan626
     
  12. Nichole
    Nerdy

    Nichole You only get one life, live it to the fullest
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    None of it was your fault whether you were a child or not. Unfortunately we live in a world with horrible horrible people. I have not experienced the level of abuse as you. As the saying goes it could always be worse so why complain. I was abused by someone I trusted and for a long time, I thought it was my fault. I ended up going to church and I talked about it with my pastor. That really helped. I suppose I could've benefited from therapy but where I come from it had a negative stigma associated with it. But all in all my friends and my pastor helped me to get through the rough patches. I literally used to have flashbacks and dreams about it. Life will never be the same because of it but I have grown so much and honestly you would never guess that I had been abused by looking at me or talking to me because I decided not to let that dictate who I am or let it take over my life. For me, distancing myself from people for a while helped me to work on myself. I often think about where I have been and am amazed by how much progress I have made.

    My advice to you is to never let the things you have endured take over your life. Surround yourself with good people that will lift you up and encourage you. Seek happiness from within and not in other people. Exercise, meditate, or whatever it is that is relaxing . Above all forgive yourself so that you can move on. As I have said before, non of it is your fault. I hope this helps and if you come across someone who is down and out or down on their luck, help them out with nice and encouraging words. You never know who could benefit from it.
    Hope this helps and good luck with everything.
     
  13. ninjaryn

    ninjaryn hOnK :o)
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    that's horrible

    i'll message you and maybe try to make you feel better, i've don't know what else to say other than i'm just disgusted how people can do that to a kid..
     
  14. Isabel
    Angelic

    Isabel that day AGAIN O.o
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    wow i thought i had it bad by being abused by my family and being put in foster care when i turned 10 but shit, u have had it quit bad i cant say i'd be much help but ik i can say thhat if u need anyone to talk to im here for you just send me a message an ill reply when i can and tbh hun ik what its like to be raped, it happened to me literally recent ago on news years but it also happened when i was a kid s well thats the other reason i was put into care, but seriously send me a message ill talk more there
     
  15. RosemarySy

    RosemarySy Lurker

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    Kat I think you are an astounding uncompromisingly profound woman. I love you. You are worth infinite proportions more than your abuse. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I am happy to get to be your friend. :)  - Rosemary S
     
  16. DinoMom
    Cowabunga

    DinoMom I am Moldovan, and we do things the Moldovan way!
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    Angel is right. I have been through abuse, it doesn't get easy. Not a week goes by where I do not cry at something. It is also near impossible for me to try and discuss things, since people are so judgmental.

    So long as you find one person you can trust, life will be easier. I found my person, I hope you can find yours.
     
  17. RosemarySy

    RosemarySy Lurker

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    To Dinomom, I largely agree. It is sadly and indescribably this non-stop battle. I know from someone who has ptsd herself...... yet there will eternally be your family and friends who are there to tell you're never alone because you never are..... Dearest there are countless of those out there who care about you. I hope you are able to recognize you aren't alone out there. Love you.
     
  18. Aries.
    No Mood

    Aries. Hot Cookie
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    Be strong, in a few years time this will all be a distant memory and don't let a bad past ruin your future.
     
  19. RosemarySy

    RosemarySy Lurker

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    Try to focus on your positive coping mechanisms and attempt your best not to let the bad overtake good as much of the struggle as it is.
     
  20. Olive Rose

    Olive Rose Lurker

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    Kat, you're not complaining! It's so important to open up and you are very very strong for doing so. Firstly I want to let you know that you are not worthless and that may be hard to believe since everyone that should have shown you otherwise hasn't. Stay strong and know that there is always someone to talk to, and I may be a stranger but I'm a very good listener and sexual abuse isn't anything new to me. Secondly I want you to know that none of what you've been through is your fault. I'm sure you're a very smart and strong person. I can hear your resilience in the bit that you've written. I commend you for teaching art and using your teaching as a sort of outlet. As you move forward you'll become even stronger and you will overcome this. I can't say that it will be easy but you have support from a whole community that will be there for you. If you don't feel comfortable with your sexuality outside of this community then this may be a good place to start. I hope you find some solace soon. Stay strong Kat.
     

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