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I want to hear your story!

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Ellie June, May 28, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Ellie June

    Ellie June Jack of all trades, master of pun

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    One of my favorite things is hearing others' stories about how they discovered their identities! I'm interested in all kinds of stories. Don't worry, I won't use them or post them elsewhere in any way. I'm just working on telling mine and I think hearing and telling our stories is one of the most powerful things we could do. Here's the story of how I figured out I was bi.

    When I was in the forth grade there was a substitute teacher. She was a butch girl and once told my spanish class that she was married, but to another woman. I thought she was beautiful and knowing that she was gay made me really nervous around her for some reason. Not out of hate or fear but because I had no idea about who I was yet and she was open and nice and authority figure and that was intimidating. And of course I had a little crush.
    But it would be many many years before I could put all that together. At ten I just thought I was intimidated by her. A few years later my best friend came out as bi. She told me that she would rather marry me if I was interested than anyone else. I was so flustered I couldn't respond and I didn't really know how too. At that point, it scared me to be anything but straight. Again, not because I had a problem with anyone. I just thought it would make everything harder and confusing so I just ignored my quickened heart beat and chalked up my nervousness around girls to be intimidation or jealousy.
    I got paranoid. At this time in my life I was discovering sexuality as well and because I wanted so much to only like guys I would read gay fanfiction. Because I don't know, that reading about two guys made me twice as straight of a woman? Great logic. But soon I'd find myself watching regular porn and spending a lot of time looking at the women. I'd tell myself it was because I was insecure and wished my body was better. But I was kind of starting to realize that women attracted me like women did.
    Then I got this job. A job where there was only one girl on the team besides me, and we lived together for most of our time at this job because it involved travelling on the road. She like many of the women I would come to realize I had had crushes on, made nervous. She was confident, complex and one of the most beautiful people I'd ever met inside and out.
    One day we were in a meeting together and I kept thinking over and over that she smelled good. For some reason scent has always been super important to attraction for me and I've often noticed I had a crush for the first time when I noticed how good they smelled. That was the moment I realized I really really liked her. For more than the close friends we had become.
    Nothing ever became of it and it made my job a bit harder. She confided a lot in me and we were both in relationships. (although she did tell me that if we ever broke up with our respective SO's that she would want to date me which made me think of my best friend from years ago, so I got brave and said "me too.")
    Sometimes we would stay in places with limited rooms and she would volunteer to share a bed with me and we would fall asleep holding each other. But we always played this off too each other as us missing having our SO's around when we travelled and it was a just friends thing. When our time at that company ended we parted different ways. (Later on we both attended each others' weddings)
    It was during this time I admitted to myself and my boyfriend (now husband) that I was bisexual and that that was okay. I told my best friend that once said she'd marry me and she congratulated me and has supported me well. Only a few people know because I'm still figuring myself out and whether or not anyone else needs to know really. my husband is supportive and said he would be comfortable with me experimenting outside our relationship. But right now I don't feel a need to, I love him and am content to finally be comfortable in who I am. I have a much easier time connecting with men and women now that I'm confident with my identity.

    Anywho, that was long! What's your story?
     
  2. Carlita
    Creative

    Carlita Reliable Advisor
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    I did most in this link https://lgbtchat.net/threads/lmk-if-you-can-relate.71906/#post-280086 I also found out with my teacher Ms. Pridget. I always wanted to know why I wanted to sit by her after spanish class. I was finally in her English class when she invited the class to her wedding. I didn't go. I think I may have been hurt or jeleous. My mother said I should have. I was one of her favorite students.

    I'll probably think of other times. Going to Pride and support groups really did it for me. I started doing more research too. I don't know how people Just Date. I wish I can meet women by saying "I'm dating now."

    That's pretty much it. Now, the only time I think of it is on here or when someone comes by that's cute. PRIDE is coming up next week and I'm debating to go since I work that evening.
     
  3. Bornunderabadsign
    Bored

    Bornunderabadsign Transfeminine Natural Disaster
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    I'll bite.

    I always knew I was different. For a long time I didn't know what made me different just that I was. I got along well with boys my age but I just didn't click with them. It was like I was an anthropologist studying a different and foreign culture and I had to live like them in order to not be noticed as an outsider. I got along better with girls and although I had a preference for more gender neutral things like writing and acting out kid written plays and stories I never had a problem with playing dress up or house. As I grew older I would even fantasize that something terrible would happen to my genitalia and that all the could do for me was give me female genitalia (I didn't know transgender was a thing or that srs was possible at this time). I knew something was wrong but not what at least not yet. Then middle school happened and boys and girls paired off especially in the last year of middle school and I didn't really get it. I had crushes (Or rather intense desire to be around a person and to see what their likes and dislikes were or how they thought) and sometimes I would want to really touch them or have them touch me but I was and still am not comfortable with sex (I'm okay with hugging, kissing, making out, just not really sex, oral is okay).

    Then in 9th grade I finally started to realize that I could like guys and girls the same way but because of the way I was raised being gay or bi wasn't an option so I buried that deep down and tried to act more masculine. I met a girl in the second half of 9th grade that I liked and we were an item but it was an unspoken thing. It was the innocent hand holding kind of love. We never did more than kiss each other's cheek. Then she moved. I felt down because of that and returned to crushing on my first highschool friend who was this really curly headed gear head guy and this really classy girl in my art class. During this time I had this girl in my computer essentials class that liked to tease and flirt with me and I liked her too but like the girl in my art class I couldn't do much about it because she and I were different races and just like being LGBTQ+ that wasn't allowed. Nevertheless she was my first kiss.

    I defended a very out and proud gay guy in the first half of my 10th grade year and that got me branded as a gay supporter or gay (it depended on who you talked to) and the hell of high school continued. We watched a video on LGBTQ+ people in my Health class and I was introduced to the concept of transgenderism and it made so much sense and I buried that too. Then in the second half of that year I met another girl and became friends with her not knowing she was going to be both the worst and best thing of my Highschool career.

    She called herself Artemis and like the huntress she was she captured my heart. She stressed me out to no end but she helped me come to terms with my sexuality as I understood it then. Things were good for awhile (despite the write ups for PDA's) then she told me she was polyamorous and that brought in one of my friends into our little games. It ended up becoming a problem and eventually he left the relationship. We were together for a bit longer and then we broke up. I took it hard. She didn't love me like that anymore but I still did and she tried to let me down easy but it just made me upset and I broke up with her on Christmas day. I dated another girl and then tried to date another girl but it was just shit overall. Then I fell for a straight guy friend again and life just stunk. One of my aunt's died during this time and I was just in a bad mood until I graduated. The worst thing other than the break up was the curly headed gear head that I crushed on since 9th grade died in a motorcycle crash days before graduation.

    I've always had issues with understanding my feelings or rather I understand them but don't want to do anything with them.

    Working and going to school while still in a depressive episode was not a good combination. Then my parents started to get into arguments that sometimes kept me up at all hours. This all lead up to my first and only serious suicide attempt. After getting out of the hospital I heard that my ex-girl friend Artemis was leaving for Washington State so I "borrowed" my brothers truck and drove to the airport but I was too late. I had no one to really say anything about my problems so I ran away (I was an adult so it wasn't really running away) but after a week I came back home. I got in contact with my ex and I had a very long conversation and at the end I knew I wasn't just Bi (later pan) I was transgender.

    I got a job and started to work towards being able to afford HRT and to get back into school. I got back into school (that failed again because I still wasn't mental present). All that ended with another stay in the mental ward. This continued Job then mental ward until 2014.

    I got my first honest to God boyfriend and he was really nice but he turned out to be polyamorous and soon enough another transwoman entered the picture. We were jealous of each other. Then strangely enough these to mad cats got a place together and that turned out horrible.

    I was more or less homeless for awhile. Worked a bunch of odd jobs then when I got word my dad was really sick. I took care of him until he passed. Grieved for a bit and had jobs on and off until now.

    I know now that I'm a demisexual panromantic transwomen. I have a good many issues but I'm alive. I will get what I want and need or I will die trying.
     
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    #3 Bornunderabadsign, May 28, 2019
    Last edited: May 29, 2019
  4. Larry45
    Benevolent

    Larry45 Amateur bisexual
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    It didn’t fully click with me til a few years ago. My first experience was with another boy but I just assumed it was experimentation I was always so into girls it was hard to notice my attraction to men. Looking back now, there were clues. Focusing on the guy in porn, unusual closeness to male friends, obvious but ignored attraction to some men. I ignored all of it. I even once decided I was bi, but pushed it back down again. Finally, a couple of years ago, I just stopped lying to myself. I’m bisexual, I’m still the only one who knows but I feel better anyway
     
  5. N A D J S and T
    Sleepy

    N A D J S and T Six in one.
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    [N] I don't remember much about finding out I was nb. I guess it was in part that there were other people here with me that I figured it out. Early on when it was just A, D and I, we used to just think to each other "everything's fine, we can be ourselves around each other". That was a good mindset and as time went on we all found out more about ourselves.

    Part of my nb discovery, when I think the thought may have started that I could be non-binary, was from something our friend (who doesn't know there's more than one of us) said at school. This year we got a new principal who likes to say things like "young men and women" and "ladies and gentlemen". After one Chapel period when he had started with "ladies and gentlemen", as usual, our friend said that she didn't like it because it wasn't supportive of non-binary people. Now that I think back to that day, I'm pretty sure that was what slowly made me realise who I really was.

    That was a few months ago, and that was when I started getting suicidal thoughts and feelings. Because I had this idea that I shouldn't get help and just deal with it because I was male (and because a few certain people have shoved down my throats that my problems don't matter because they have problems too), I wasn't going to do anything. A had different ideas. She made me go onto a helpline. I knew I would never act on these feelings because I didn't want to hurt any of the others here (physically and emotionally) or anyone else outside our group (emotionally). There are people in my life I love too much, so I knew I'd never do it, but still it was hard to have around.

    Back then I didn't know what was causing these feelings. I'm over them, that was months ago, but now I'm starting to think that it might have been an early form of gender dysphoria. That idea that I shouldn't seek help because of my birth gender seemed stupid, especially since there were two girls in our group (this was before T joined us). Anyway, they could differ from our assigned gender, so why couldn't I?

    Ever since then I've been getting dysphoria. I've been dealing with it, but it has been quite distracting when I've tried to get work done. I've since found D's presence (if I wake him up) actually lifts some of the body dysphoria (so that's good to know). And, yeah. Our plans now are to tell that friend of ours who stood up for non-via people. We want to try sometime near July 14 (International Non-Binary Day).
     
  6. MyHiddenSide
    Thinking

    MyHiddenSide Bi Guy
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    Hey, sorry this is like a week later than you posted! But I'm new here, and enjoy sharing. It's not an exciting story tbh. My bisexuality kind of slowly reared it's head from my teenage years, and I didn't realise or accept it until I was about 20.

    From first hitting puberty in school, between my hormones shouting "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" at me, the occasional thought about other boys would jump into my head. I'd just dismiss them as "normal straight curiosity."

    Then I start college, and a guy from school is on my course, so I stick with him. I met my gf there, but alongside falling in love with her, I also developed a massive crush on this guy. I would catch myself checking him out, and even having sexual fantasies about him. Needless to say I was confused. I finished college and chalked it off to a one off bromance.

    Then university comes, and it's like puberty round 2. Although I was 19, my sexuality was more confusing than ever. In my 1st year I find myself feeling more and more attracted to boys as well as girls. There were a few guys who were gay, and knowing that made me more attracted to them. Then 2nd year comes where I met this gay guy. He was beautiful, kind, funny and talented. I've never been so attracted to somebody since my gf, not just sexually but romantically. We ended up working on a project together. He was pretty flirty, and I found myself always flirting back. I was happily with my gf though, so I kept it at that I've never seen or spoken to him since graduating 3 years ago.

    I didn't want to keep these feelings bottled up though, I was already struggling with my mental health, so I told my GF about my interest in men, and even about this guy, although I did downplay my feelings for him. She was completely fine with it. I've never been romantically interested in a guy since and am happy with my GF, but have fully accepted my sexual attraction to guys. I just hope I get to experiment with it one day, besides the occasional online sex chat, and as guilty as this makes me feel, I do sometimes regret not taking it further with that guy.
     
    #6 MyHiddenSide, Jun 7, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  7. AimizuK

    AimizuK Hot Cookie
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    Well I discovered I am gay when I was around 15 years old. Its not I liked a boy on my school or something like that. I discovered it with a TV Show called "Bandolera" and I realised that the main actor was more handsome that the main actress. This shocked me a lot at the beggining, I wanted to delete that thoughts, but with the months I just accepeted my "special" preferences and then I started to be attracted for other men (famous singers, actors, ect). None ever told me what is a gay or a lesbian. None ever told me that a person can love a same-sex person. So I discovered it by myself, and it was pretty natural for me to accept it.

    I have to say I did fall in love with some girls before I did it, but I did not find them attractive in the sexual way. Since I discovered my real sexual orientation I did not fell in love with a women anymore, not with a man either.
    However, recently I think (Im not sure yet) I have fallen in love with one of my best straight friends. Im not sure if its dependence (because he leaved me because work, he had to travel so far) or whatever. I just know I need to know about him every minute, I need to know Im still be important to him even if he is far away...
    I would like to clarify this feeling or will just destroy me.
     
  8. Birdwatcher87
    Happy

    Birdwatcher87 Happy to be Bi!
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    Hi Everyone!

    My story is kind of short, but kind of life long. I’m in my early 30’s and I came out to myself just a few years ago when I accepted myself as bisexual. Girls have and always will be my most attracted to gender in every way, but I’m happy to have feelings for guys too!

    Throughout my life, I always had major crushes on several girls at different points of my childhood years, but I noticed at times something was different. When I would watch TV, for example, I saw male celebrities or cute guys on TV and kind of got this great tingling feeling throughout my body, but I had no idea why at the time.

    Although, I think the first time that I can really remember was when I was about 22 or 23. I was on a cruise vacation and I was working out in the ship’s gym. As I was using some of the weight machines, this guy was working out with the dumbbells down a little ways. Without realizing at first, I noticed I was kind of staring at his butt and muscles. I got that surge of tingles again throughout my body, but they were stronger than I had experienced before. It was the first time that I ever had sexual feelings for a guy and I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but I sometimes fantasize about running into him again or some other cute bisexual or gay guy.

    Ever since then, I have continued to research and soul search more into my sexuality and I’m thankful for this community of people on here and in the LGBTQ community. No one knows that I’m bi, but it’s something I’m glad that I can talk to all of you about. I feel comfortable and happy to be able to love both genders, it’s so cool!

    I think there are more things in my life that pointed to my identity as a bisexual, but I only vaguely remember them at the moment.

    Happy to be Bi! :) 
     

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