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I think my gf might be bi / gay?

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by doubtfulbf, Aug 8, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. doubtfulbf

    doubtfulbf Lurker

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    It was the little things, you know? When we first started dating, she would point at beautiful strangers and say things like, “Look at that stunner.” At first, I just thought my girlfriend was really cool and wasn’t like one of those overly jealous / insecure types. Then I noticed she started spending more time with her girlfriends, and how she would stare at women passing by when we were out grocery shopping or on our Saturday night dates.

    I think what really gave it away was when I borrowed her laptop to check my email and saw that she recently googled “how to search women by ID.” I looked back at her and saw that she was preoccupied with something on TV, which means she probably forgot about it. Should I confront her about this? I love her dearly and even though it might mean losing her and our relationship, I don’t want her to bear the pain of being in the closet any longer, if she really is bi or a lesbian.
     
  2. Pseudonym7
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    Pseudonym7 Great Learner
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    First of all, you sound like an amazing person! It's so nice that you are willing to let her go if it lets her be who she truly is :) 

    I think you should try and talk to her about it. If she loves you and wants to be with you then she could be bi. However, you also need to consider (and I think you have) the fact she might be gay and just hiding it or trying to get away from it. When you talk to her, make sure she knows that you love and support her no matter what, and that you just want to know more about her. She might just be discovering her sexuality, and if she IS bi, pan, or anything similar to that, she might still want to be with you. Bring it up, talk to her, and make sure she knows that you are doing it out of love.
     
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  3. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    How's your sex life? Is she genuinely responsive when you make love, or is she faking it? She could genuinely enjoy sex with you and still be bi, but if she's a bisexual who prefers women, it will make your relationship untenable.

    If you don't have a sex life with her, I'd call that a major red (rainbow?) flag -- you're not kids anymore. You really don't want to be her "beard" -- the guy she uses to persuade other people she's straight. If you have serious doubts, I imagine the best thing you can do is to ask her, and see how she responds. A direct approach is most likely to get results.
     
  4. Pseudonym7
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    Pseudonym7 Great Learner
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    I agree with most of what you say :)  However, I think if she is bi and prefers women, they can still be a couple and love each other. If she prefers sex with women, that doesn't mean she can't enjoy it with him or even just enjoy a less sex-based relationship. Sex ISN'T everything in a relationship. I don't think that her preferring women means she can't love and have a relationship with a guy.
     
  5. Carlita
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    Carlita I simply am not there
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    If you do talk to her, I'd do it privately. If she says yes, she could be bisexual and maybe coming to terms with it herself by self exploration. What you can also do, if it goes well, support her in how she feels. This may be new to her. It doesn't mean, in my opinion, that you will lose her. I assume her affection for you is still the same. Just even if you are wrong at least you got the chance to talk to her about it.

    But, it really her identity if she is bi or lesbian. The best to do is ask her. If she is lesbian, don't fret. Lesbians aren't bound and gagged to one sex. We just have a high high high attraction to the same sex. But it really depends on the person first.
     
  6. doubtfulbf

    doubtfulbf Lurker

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    Thanks for your response! While I really want to talk to her about this, I'm just not sure how to approach the subject without offending her or hurting her in some way. As much as possible, I want things to flow naturally, but that can't really happen unless I wait around for her to say something- which I think is unlikely. To be honest, this is kind of giving me anxiety, especially now that I've pondered the possibility that she may only be with me to cover up her real sexuality. Any advice on how to open up the topic with her naturally?
    --- Double Post Merged, Aug 9, 2018 ---
    Now that you've mentioned it, she seems to genuinely enjoy our time in between the sheets. I think I've done my best to satisfy her and make her feel as comfortable as possible when we're doing it. However, I did notice that she prefers oral and other sexual acts rather than PIV sex, as she seems to respond more to these. I guess a direct approach would be best. I just don't want her to feel like I'm accusing her of something, or I could drive her away if it feels too much like an interrogation.
     
    #6 doubtfulbf, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
  7. Pseudonym7
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    Pseudonym7 Great Learner
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    That's okay :) 

    I think you do need to be careful how you talk about it with her. If she is only just discovering her attraction to girls, she could get very defensive and worried because of her own insecurities about her sexuality. Do you have any lgbtq+ friends? If so, you could causally mention them so she know you are supportive.
     

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