1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

I need to rant for bit...

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Casualtourist, Mar 20, 2020.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 8 users.
  1. Casualtourist

    Casualtourist Lurker

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2020
    Messages:
    3
    Location:
    Vancouver
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    I’m not expecting a reply or anything but I have so much going on I need to get it down in writing . So where do I begin. I’m a Bi guy in His late 30’s in a committed relationship with a woman who I love (sure you’ve heard this a million times). The sex is great and we both enjoy each other. However I’ve always thought about being with a guy since my mid 20’s. I was never really attracted physically to men, it was purely wanting sex, even if I have never done anything about those desires. It all changed a few months ago when I was at the gym in the steam room, I must of been revealing a bit to much and noticed a guy checking me out, a few awkward glances from me and I noticed he was stroking himself, I immediately got turned out and had to get out of there. Unknowingly at the time he followed me into the shower. I tried to mutter I was committed but he starting giving me oral. I felt taken advantage of and didn’t ask for it and didn’t know how to stop him. The oral was amazing but I didn’t know how to deal with it. It sent me into a few months of depression and darkness, not wanting my partner to touch me and feeling terrible about myself. I’ve started to come out of it and feeling good again. But that desire to be with men has been amplified 10 fold. I don’t know what to do. And that physical attraction I never had before toward men has changed. I get turned on by guys in the gym more and more. I need to find a way of not destroying my relationship, hurting my partners feelings (she knows I’m bi, doesn’t know about anything’s that happened) and figuring out how I can satisfy my desire for men.

    Sorry if you e heard this all before but I needed to get it down. Thanks for taking the time to read this
     
  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2020
    Messages:
    138
    Ratings:
    +126 / 0 / -0
    Geez louise=( Well what that guy did to you in the showers was completely wrong, he raped you. I am REALLY, REALLY sorry about that. I know you said it felt good, but it also sounds like it did give you other negative feelings about it because you felt depressed by it and didn't want your gf to be intimate with you. All of that is understandable and valid. I also get what you mean about now, you feel like you want to have sexual experiences with guys. I know it's tricky though because you are in a relationship. I feel like there's 3 options that you have with this:

    1). Be honest and tell her about the experience you had, as well as the feeling of wanting to be with a guy intimately. I don't know how she will take this. She might be okay with it and maybe you guys could talk about possibly a threesome or a polyamorous relationship. She also might be upset or not fully understand right away, you have to be prepared for both outcomes if you choose this option. I would remind her that it has nothing to do with her personally, it isn't that you no longer care for her or are not happy with her, you are. There is just a part of yourself you want to explore somehow and you are trying to figure out how that might be possible, if it's possible. Its also very honorable to be honest and upfront with your partner, good communication is key and I feel like she will be thankful that you were and respect you more.

    2). Tell her about the experience you had, but do not disclose that you are having these feelings. Maybe try to wait things out with them, see if they become less intense after awhile. There are of course pluses and minuses to this. You would avoid any possible confrontation, BUT you personally may not feel as good as you would if you got everything off your chest. I do think, though, its important she knows what happened to you at least. She may have thought it was something she did before, something that somehow happened with you guys that upset you. Even if she DIDN'T think that, that whole experience is a heavy burden to carry with you all the time=( She may be able to help you work through it some.

    3). Don't do anything. Don't tell her what happened, don't tell her how you feel. Just literally keep on the way you are. I would avoid this option at all costs because I don't feel it would make ANYTHING better. I know it feels safe to do, but it is the most likely to cause the most unhappiness and future conflict out of the 3.

    I again am VERY sorry this happened and that you are in this position right now=( I hope you guys are able to figure something out and that things start feeling better for you soon=( Forgive me if this isn't the best advice, I have not had a lot of experience with this sort of situation, but I did want to help<3
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    #2 starlightprincess, Mar 20, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2020
  3. 1sock2sock

    1sock2sock Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2020
    Messages:
    10
    Location:
    South FL
    Ratings:
    +6 / 0 / -0
    I must state that i have no idea what you are going through. But i think i might be able to help regardless.
    Sit your girlfriend down and explain to her that you are interested in...experimenting(?)...with men. The important thing is that you explain your situation in a way where you still want to be with her, but have an urge, or craving, that you cant shake and need to satisfy, but are still satisfied by her.
    Alternatively, if you cant find the words, let her read what you sent here. I think its pretty good.
    I appologize if the way i worded my advise came off as rude or ignorant.
    I wish you the best of luck. I hope that she is understanding and wishes to stay with you after you tell her.

    Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk
     
  4. Jianghu
    Zorro

    Jianghu chinese american gay dude
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2019
    Messages:
    396
    Location:
    Northeast USA
    Ratings:
    +643 / 0 / -2
    So, CasualTourist,

    Yes, we've "heard this all before." Yours is a familiar story in these forums. But that doesn't make it less important.

    First, don't be so hard on yourself. At some point, all of us discover new interests (or acknowledge hidden ones) that alter the course of our lives.

    We might change our field of study, our job, our career, or uproot ourselves and move to another country.

    In your case, you're discovering that you might need more than a monogamous heterosexual relationship. That realization is not something to feel guilty about.

    What matters now is how honest you choose to be to your partner. Will you hide this from her in the long run? Your relationship probably wouldn't survive that. You don't want to jeopardize her physical health, either.

    Better to tell the truth and try to reach some kind of understanding. Maybe you need a bit more time to be "sure" that your sexual desire for guys isn't some phase or fluke. But don't wait too long.

    **

    Starlightprincess suggested that the guy who gave you oral "raped" you. With all due respect I'm not so quick to judge, especially as you were just getting sucked off. When it comes to man-on-man sex in public facilities like locker rooms and saunas, etiquette is pretty loose.
     
    • Disagree Disagree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
    #4 Jianghu, Mar 20, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2020
  5. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2020
    Messages:
    138
    Ratings:
    +126 / 0 / -0
    Sexual activity without consent is rape. He didn't give consent, the guy just pursued him and did what he wanted. I understand it wasn't full on intercourse, but it doesn't really matter.
     
  6. Jianghu
    Zorro

    Jianghu chinese american gay dude
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2019
    Messages:
    396
    Location:
    Northeast USA
    Ratings:
    +643 / 0 / -2
    Sensitive topic.

    I understand why women react categorically when it comes to interpretations of rape. This is what #MeToo is about. We all know the stakes. No means No.

    So I agree with you in principle. But the etiquette of subcultures - and the consequences of homophobia - are more complicated than you are ready to acknowledge, and this is where your comment falls short.

    The specific context here is anonymous sex between ADULT men. This is a very entrenched subculture, whose practices are often little understood - and stigmatized - by outsiders.

    In these settings, men are notorious for expressing "reluctance" - because often they are straight or closeted - wanting sex, but being too afraid to openly consent and thereby admit that they could be a "faggot".

    Thus, in this context, when a guy says "no", it can also mean "No, but yes - because I'm still trapped in self-loathing" or "I want this but I've never done it before and I'm frozen in terror."

    That is how a lot of closeted men break through and explore suppressed aspects of their sexuality for the first time.

    This does NOT mean that consent is irrelevant. You can make it clear that you are not interested - by pushing another man away forcefully, or raising your voice. In some 30 years of cruising, across the world and across different age groups, I have NEVER known a man to persist after given that warning, and I myself have also understood when to back off.

    In this context, simply protesting "I'm in a relationship" is not a definitive "no". CasualTourist may not have been aware of that. On the other hand, CausalTourist also received, in a sense, the knowledge and experience he was looking for, and that he might never having gotten any other way.

    If you have not grappled with the ambiguities I have described, then you run the risk of passing very superficial judgment.

    Of course not everyone is a sociologist, and at some point we all rush forward to "cancel". I get it.

    This is why we have culture wars - and LGBTs too will have to agree to disagree.
     
    #6 Jianghu, Mar 21, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2020
  7. Lv4music

    Lv4music Curious Explorer
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2019
    Messages:
    63
    Location:
    USA
    Ratings:
    +34 / 0 / -0
    You give really good advice. I just have to agree with you. From what I understand the gym is a pretty common place for this kind of thing to happen.
    I don't want to undermine any bad feeling that came from it, but it is a common cruise for guys.

    Sent from my S48c using Tapatalk
     
  8. MD_Unicorn
    Transparent

    MD_Unicorn I live on rainbows, dance in the clouds.
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2019
    Messages:
    331
    Location:
    somewhere far from here... maybe on a rainbow
    Ratings:
    +345 / 0 / -0
    Hello,
    I am truly sorry this has happened to you. I know exactly how you feel in this time and moment. You are not alone. As you may know this is against any law in any country (don't quote me on this) Have you got the males name? info? phone number? If so go to the police and put a report about it.

    As you have found this moment pleasuring. This maybe a moment where you talk to your loved one about this incident that had happen to you in a public placement. You may also want to fulfill you sexual relations with males as well as female partners. This could include; threesomes etc.

    I do wish I could give you a big hug and tell you it will be okay, I nor anyone else is judging you at all. Again you are never alone. You are a very brave individual to come out and tell us this horrible thing that has happened to you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I am always here for anyone to have a chat with about anything.
    *Gives big hug*
    MD :) 
     
  9. Conn619

    Conn619 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2019
    Messages:
    16
    Ratings:
    +9 / 0 / -0
    Seems pretty clear to me. "no" has a very definitive meaning. Isn't it like one of the first words that almost every kid learns? It boggles my mind that it continues to be a discussion.

    I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I truly am DEEPLY sorry for the limits society has put on men, and others. Like many things, it is NOT fair. Leaving some individuals to struggle with toxic masculinity and leaving them to feel this pressure that their masculinity is something so hard to gain, yet so easy to lose. NO ONE deserves that conflict and I DO hope that society can come together to free people from it once and for all, BUT toxic masculinity does not give ANYBODY the right to assume what others are wanting/feeling/thinking.

    You said it yourself, "No means No." I want you to pay VERY close attention to a few key words you used: "often" and "can." Those words are not definitive statements which means that no one, and I mean no one, should take it upon themselves to ASSUME what another person is wanting. It is the individual's job to battle their inner conflicts and gather the courage to openly state what they want. If they can't do it, it is NOT someone else's job to decide that the person is ready. Ever.


    I agree with you here: consent isn't irrelevant and never will be.

    On another note, verbal consent is as much as anyone should ever need. Physical aggression should NEVER have to be involved. If the pursuer doesn't understand the message before physical defensive actions are involved, then THEY are the ones with a problem. You are also undeniably misguided in your judgment about physical aggression because it does NOT always work, as you make it seem, nor is it always an option if the victim is feeling unsafe. I have had to resort to physical aggression to attempt to free myself from situations and to "make my point clear," but guess what? The individual pursued and NOTHING was going to stop them.

    This is also not a matter of different genders/orientations not understanding what rape is from subculture to subculture. Rape is rape. Its definition does NOT falter. Whether or not you're straight, gay, bi, asexual, a man, woman, nonbinary, or anyone else in between, rape is rape. There is no ambiguity to be found in that.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  10. Barefoot
    Twisted

    Barefoot Casual Observer
    Administrator Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2015
    Messages:
    1,666
    Location:
    Turtle Island (what's left of it)
    Ratings:
    +2,440 / 2 / -12
    I want to address a different aspect of this. This is only my opinion and it may or may not be correct for you or anyone who reads it. As I see it, you have a decision to make; whether you want to pursue your feelings about men, or would rather not. Part of this relates to your relationship with your current partner. Presently you don't know how she will react and probably neither does she, until she is confronted with it. It may be hard to predict even for her, because the hypothetical is very different from the real. My point (with regard to her and otherwise also) is that if you decide to pursue relationships with men and do so, there may be no turning back from it. I'll leave the rest of what that may or may not mean (in your present and future life) for you to consider, as only you know your inner self. I'm not advocating either way. I'm just pointing out something for you to be aware of.
     
  11. Casualtourist

    Casualtourist Lurker

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2020
    Messages:
    3
    Location:
    Vancouver
    Ratings:
    +1 / 0 / -0
    Thank you all for your comments, definitely some mixed messages here, I have been juggling with the rape aspect of this for a while now. As some one who is not immersed in gay subculture or any gay culture for that matter I can’t use that as a basis for my experience. This is the first time I have had any sexual experience with a man. If I was to do what was done to me to a woman I would have been arrested and prosecuted.

    Yes!!! Thanks for the honest and open comment

    I know this is the way to go, but it’s scary. Though we have spoken about open relationships in the past. I’ve been against them as I feel I’m being dishonest to her or betraying her trust. Though it’s getting to the point where we need to have that discussion again. Thanks for your advice it was great.

    I agree and disagree with a lot you’ve said. I’m coming from a hetero background, so gay culture isn’t something I’m used to. And of course I was afraid to have sex with a man, it was a first for me, and yeah I was frozen in terror. Not because I don’t want to be a ‘faggot’ as you put it or I hate myself. But because I’m not ready yet! This is a huge adjustment for me and shouldn’t be trivialised through labels.

    I feel I’m just opening the door to what ever will happen to me with my sexuality I just feel this experience wasn’t the way it should of started
     
  12. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2020
    Messages:
    138
    Ratings:
    +126 / 0 / -0
    Absolutely=( Its not an easy talk for any couple to have because you don't know how the other will react, but I can tell you very much care for your girlfriend and she prob knows that too. I'm hoping that does help a lot. Just remind her that none of this has to do with you no longer caring about her or loving her, you feel for her just the same as you always did. I hope the very best for you, I know things have been hard<3 You seem like a really wonderful person.
     
  13. MusicGuy01

    MusicGuy01 Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2019
    Messages:
    173
    Location:
    USA
    Ratings:
    +54 / 0 / -0
    Hey sounds like when you first meet a guy in the steam look like nothing happen. But then after u got a bj from a guy seems u enjoyed it very well
     

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page