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I need advice on dating a woman for the first time...

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by turquoise_sun, Jan 12, 2021.  |  Print Topic

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  1. turquoise_sun

    turquoise_sun Lurker

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    I am a woman dating a woman for the first time. We met on tinder and texted constantly for about a week. We met up twice and everything seemed to be going good. She said she was looking for an emotional connection and I said I was as well. She was engaged to the person she was dating for 5 years, then got into a rebound relationship that just ended about a month or two ago. I feel like she's such a special and unique person and we would be great together for very niche reasons.

    She came on strong but suddenly got distant. I went over to her house and I was really nervous. I acted really awkward around her and she asked me if I was okay and if I felt uncomfortable. I felt really bad for making her think I am uncomfortable. I said I'm just having a bad day and I'm just nervous because I like her a lot. I asked her if she just felt like cuddling and she said yes. She said she can understand if I think having sex with a woman for the first time is gross and I said I don't feel like that at all.

    When I got home she messaged me and said she "wants to get to know me more by hanging out and talking" and that she needs time because she is still healing from her breakup and that she doesn't want to hurt me . I said that's understandable.

    She continued to message me everyday but it seems like it's not the same. After a few days I reacted badly and asked if she just wants to restart as friends because it seemed like we started on an intense foot. she apologized for being distant and said it's just because she's going through a lot right now. I said sorry too.

    I want to give her the space she needs but she keeps messaging me everyday yet giving me cold and uninterested replies. I tried to compliment her and flirt with her but it didn't work. I feel like she might be using me as a backup/ breadcrumbing me. I feel like once she gets over her ex we would have a real chance but I don't know what to do, or maybe it has something to do with the awkward night I spent with her. I don't know how to fix this .

    TLDR how do I stop being nervous around women I like and having sex with women for the first time ? And how should I react when a woman texts me everyday yet is cold to me ?
     
  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Well-Known Advisor
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    Hey<3 I'm really sorry you are going through this. I can relate to being with someone who is kind of hot and cold in that you never really know what you are going to get and sometimes question how they really feel. I'm going through that currently myself. My gf has also been through a LOT of recent trauma and it has caused her to be distant, like the girl you like. She will be around for a bit, and then vanish for unknown amounts of time without a word. I called her yesterday to find out if she was okay because she was gone for over 2 weeks and I had no idea how she was. She told me she didn't really know when she'd be around again and that she needed some time, didn't feel like herself, and was just struggling a lot. When she IS around, she does tell me that she loves and cares about me so much, that i'm one of the most important people in her life, that she appreciates the hell out of me for all that I have done and do do for her, but then its like "if I mean this much, how can you cut me out of your life so often?" I know that's not REALLY the problem you are having because the girl you like is still around each day, which is GOOD, but I know you are also dealing with her being distant and maybe not communicating the best. It is hard when you want to help someone or find out where they are at, but they just won't tell you or come to you. The relationship starting off really strong too, I also relate to that. I feel like it usually starts off really strong and wonderful, but then a few weeks later something happens that changes everything. Its happened to me so many times and its very aggravating.

    As an outsider reading your story, it seems like she does care about you a whole lot, but maybe is struggling too much currently with her past relationships, like she isn't able to give you her all right now. She isn't able to give you the time and full attention and love you DO deserve because she's still healing. Looks like she even said so and the whole "I don't want to hurt you" thing makes me think she already knows she can't currently be that person for you yet. I would communicate to her what you told us, say that although her intention was to not hurt you, it has and that you want to know if she wants to be together romantically with you or if she thinks its better if you guys start as friends for now. That doesn't mean you can never BE in a romantic relationship with her, but it may be best for now if she thinks she can't be available to you in that way. It may take some of the pressure and anxiety off for both of you. Bottom line though, def. continue to try and communicate with each other as best as you can because you always want to know that the 2 of you are on the same page.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jan 12, 2021 ---
    also if you ever want to talk about this or anything else/would like to be friends, my inbox is always open<3
     
  3. turquoise_sun

    turquoise_sun Lurker

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    Thank you for the thoughtful reply, it sounds like you have been through a similar situation and know how hard it can be . Especially for someone like me , a hopeless romantic.

    I tried to ask her if she just wants to be friends and she said she thought we weren't worrying about the future right now , so it continues to be confusing but I will try to give her some space and see how it goes
    Thanks for listening it helps to be able to vent !

    Sent from my MAR-LX3A using Tapatalk
     
  4. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Well-Known Advisor
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    I do understand<3 I'm also a hopeless romantic, so I get that part too lol. I am sorry she is still kind of being confusing=( Its also hard to talk about those kinds of things on messages rather than in person or on the phone. I don't know if maybe that would help? Giving her space though for a bit is also fine. I DO hope things improve, feel free to reach out anytime<3
     
  5. Tiassa

    Tiassa Great Learner
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    Hello.

    it will be hard for you to be just friend with her cause of all feelings you have to her...

    i think she is still not over her ex, and as you said maybe you are her back up plan. Why she is texting you all the time, she likes attention, she is bored and she likes to talk to you... but if she is cold with messages you should be too. Maybe she needs your attention all the time and with that she get the feeling that she is fine. i have no idea. So many options... but only she will know the real reason, WHY? ( or maybe she doesn’t know to)...

    my advice take your time and think about all. What do you want from this relationship, is she worth it, why you are nervous? Why just not be calm and behave normal? I get it that you really like her and that you don’t want her to think that you have no idea how to handle a women... but still you should be YOU. And don’t think about how you should date a girl, be you and if the girl is right that would be more then enough.

    Best of luck,
    T.
     
    #5 Tiassa, Jan 13, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2021

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