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I have no idea what my sexuality is

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by elise hecc, Jun 19, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. elise hecc

    elise hecc Lurker

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    For the past few years I've come to refer to myself as either bisexual or pan. But I've questioned whether or not I might be Asexual. To explain, I was always quite a sexual person growing up, I was attracted to men and women, though I denied the women part for a long time due to a strict religious upbringing. My relationship with sex was completely destroyed though, when I lost my virginity via sexual assault.

    Years later I accepted and realized that I am romantically attracted to both men and women. And am sexually attracted to both as well, BUT I lean more so being ok with sex with a woman. BUT no.2, there are some men that I am extremely sexually attracted to, though they are fictional lmao. So Loki, or Kylo Ren, Solas, Fenris, Garrus, basically, heck yeah they can get all up in my bidness. But thinking about penatrative sex with most REAL men, makes me extremely uncomfortable. In basically all experiences through my life, I have never once soberly enjoyed penatrative sex with a man, even ones I was extremely attracted to, in love with, or comfortable with. I might enjoy it for 2 seconds but for 99% of the time, I'm thinking to myself "wow is this gonna take long??? This is taking forever, when is this gonna end??? BRUH NUT ALREADY" and that is not to say men can't please me, if I'm emotionally comfortable with someone, you better believe I can enjoy some sick take out if you catch my drift. But anything else, you start goin spelunkin, and I just get uncomfortable and I don't enjoy it. I like orgasming, don't get me wrong, I like it as much as the next person. I can do it just fine on my own. And it is becoming not worth it, being in sexual contact for such, with men. Because while I love a good 'gasm, it doesn't balance out the discomfort and general displeasure involved in having to reciprocate in any way with a man. If I have to deal with male genitalia, I don't want anything to do with it really. But at the same time, whether it's a man or a woman, I just in general have practically no sex drive, I don't particularly want to have sexual contact, in fact I'd mostly prefer not. So what am I? Bisexual? Pan?? Asexual??? Or do I just need a really good therapist? Becuase while I have thought that I was fully over what happened to me years ago, it is obviously still impacting me and my life, just in less obvious ways.


    Sincerely, me, more confused then when I started typing this.
     
    #1 elise hecc, Jun 19, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018
  2. mynameissalsa
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    mynameissalsa Reliable Contributor
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    After all, you're a human. I've going through a similar situation as you, confused between being a bi or pan or whatever. But I really didn't care. I go by bisexual finally with women preference. Just don't think too much about labels. Do what you like that makes you happy as you are :) 

    And I'm sorry about what you've been going through. I know how it feels 'cause I've been there too.
     
    #2 mynameissalsa, Jun 19, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018
  3. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Did you have any help "getting over" your sexual assault, or did you just kind of push it to the side and try to forget about it? Obviously, you understand that whatever it was you did, it was unsuccessful. Some time with a therapist who has experience working with victims of sexual assault probably would be quite helpful. Whether or not it did anything to improve your current sex life, it would help you cope more effectively with the bad feelings you still carry around.

    If you still enjoy a good orgasm, you still have a sex drive -- even if you're averse to having sex with other people. Having sex with another person involves making ourselves vulnerable, so good sex requires a decent amount of trust. I suspect the person you need must be somebody with whom you've built a relationship over a considerable period of time. From what you write, that person could be either male or female -- but it seems like you might find it easier to relax your guard for a woman.

    In the meanwhile, stick with bisexual -- so as not to close down any possibilities. It's not just for sex that you need to find somebody you can trust, but also for love.
     
    #3 angel70, Jun 19, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018
  4. min.jimin

    min.jimin Lurker

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    i know how horrible it is to push labels onto someone, so *fair warning* i'm not doing that. i'm just trying to help you.

    you, my friend, might be a bi-romantic demi-bisexual. if you don't know what a demisexual is, "a demi-?sexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection. it's more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships. the term demi-?sexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual." (definition found on asexuality .org)

    another definition is that you don't experience sex drive until you have a close bond with your partner, which, in my personal opinion, fits your situation.

    you also aren't just 'demisexual,' you're 'demi-something-sexual.' in your case, i would suggest demi-bisexual.

    of course, this is just my opinion, but i would suggest researching more about demi-sexuality. i hope i could help!
     

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