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I guess my friends asexual?

Discussion in 'Asexual & Grey-Ace' started by Verykibouone, Feb 7, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Verykibouone

    Verykibouone Lurker

    Jan 8, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    I recently asked my very close friend out. She doesnt date people and has never had any sexual encounter. I thought maybe she could be either very shy/scared of intimacy or simply asexual but i didnt know the extent of it all till recently. When i asked her out she responded that she doesnt think she has ever gotten sexual thoughts about another person. I even asked followup questions and turns out she doesnt even fantasize about others. She only fantasizes about existing couples in like shows and stuff. At first this baffled me as i thought she had been flirting with me and showing genuine interest. It hurt to find this out as ive had feelings for a while but nothings changed about our dynamic as friends and the conversation was very casual so all is good but theres a few things id like to ask for some perspective on her if anyone can provide any.
    First: I notice shes very interested and invested in relationships that shes not a part of, like fictional ones i mean, like in shows and stuff. She also enjoys reading and looking at smut even though she doesnt think of herself doing those things. She also mentioned after i asked her out that she doesnt even know if shed like sex or anything since shes never tried it but she also has no interest in it or any people. She says she only really wants a relationship with someone who she can cuddle with and kiss and thats it. Me and her actually dated a few years ago but it didnt go anywhere and i guess my feelings resurfaced and thats how i figured all this out now. Can asexuals still be interested in all those things despite not having feelings for anyone? And is it possible she may harbor feelings that are only romantic and not sexual? She has been mildly flirty and admires me alot, but made it clear its not in a sexual way. We are both still quite young and wondered if its possible her sexuality could change later? (idk probably just my wishful thinking)
  2. Yeety

    Yeety Lurker

    Feb 7, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    I have to admit, that I have very little experiences and all that, but I know that asexuals can be attracted to people romantically, but not sexually.
    Me, for example, I am 16 and I am not really interested in having sex so far, but I also don't know what sexuality I have.
    Furthermore, one's sexuality can always change, and that's okay because that is you and that's why it is right the way it is.
    Good luck!
  3. Jo A

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Nov 22, 2018
    +2,214 / 2 / -1
    Welcome and this is a safe and wonderful place to be.

    Ask that questions in any other place and you would get stared at.

    I am non binary male by sex, female leaning gender.

    I am walking for me a fine line but that is what this place is for.

    I have the most beautiful friend (and that is inside and out) and we are plutonic lovers. If we would have had sex, we would never get to the point we are today.

    I came out to myself 10 months ago and she helped and stayed by my side as I accepted myself and that required me to go through hell and back. She never left and always loved and supported me.

    We can look at each other and know if we are having a bad day, need help or worse.

    We are both happily married and both glad we are best friends.

    Does this address your needs. No.

    Can you address your friends needs and be the best friend they may need and have that grow into love.

    I hope so, as it can be just as rewarding and mean as much as having sex (at least for me).

    I wish you luck and wish you Love - Jo A
  4. capsicled

    capsicled Dedicative Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Jul 21, 2017
    Earth 616
    +98 / 0 / -0
    Hey there, and welcome to the site!

    I might not be the best person to answer this since I have a really complicated relationship with feelings and stuff - really terrifies me! But I'll try my best to give some insight since I identify as an ace.

    I'm a huge flirt myself and I like having deep, meaningful conversations with people. This is often understood as me being interested in something more. I don't think I can blame others for my flirting behaviour, eh? If I happen to get attracted to someone, it usually has something to do with their personality even though I do appreciate certain aesthetic characteristics.

    My personal experience with intimacy is uhm... messy. Generally, I don't see sex really that interesting and I don't really want to have it. I have tried and found the experience so boring that I'd probably only do it to satisfy my partner. However, it is important to remember that some aces do like having sex for the pleasure of it - something to do with biological needs and all that. It's pretty much a situation where your body wants something and your mind is not totally on board.

    As was said above, sexuality can change and your friend may become interested in sex/sex-related topics. Or, that might never happen. I think in your situation, where feelings are involved, you should just try to ask whether she's interested in you. But if you really want something more than friendship, there's a chance you might need to get used to the idea of nothing more happening than aggressive cuddling and soothing kisses - which are one of the best things in the world!

    Good luck. (-:

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