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Bisexual I feel like a fraud :(

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by elliecat, Jan 18, 2021.  |  Print Topic

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  1. elliecat

    elliecat Greenhorn
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    Over the last 3 years I have had continuous doubts about my sexuality. I have an anxious and timid disposition so having anxious thoughts about anything, including sexuality, was bound to happen. The problem is that despite my incredible analysis and thinking skills, I still am unable to figure out if I am queer.

    I’ve definitely felt some type of way abut girls – I continuously have dreams of kissing, having sex with girls; and I get that warm “butterflies in your stomach” sensation with an attractive girl in real life. I get aroused by girls. However, I’ve never actually been with another woman. I’ve gone out on dates with girls, but they never got intimate and never led to a long-term relationship. This has led me to believe that I am actually a fraud - that I was heterosexual this entire time and that I need to stop trying to be “trendy” by claiming the queer title.

    I see many queer women I know actually use their queer status in a trendy, narcissistic way. Posting on social media bragging about being bisexual and “look at me, I’m so cool because I’m bisexual and I have sex with girls, and I’m awesome!” Just completely inauthentic. I’m not trying to disprove that these girls I knew in particular are not queer, although there are a lot of straight girls who claim a bisexual status just to be cool and trendy. But I feel like that if I’m not posting a picture of the rainbow flag; or always commenting on how hot other girls are; or dressing and feeling masculine (I know, it’s a stereotype); or always attending LGBT events and taking girls home from the bar; then I’m not queer.

    The more I looked into my feelings towards girls the more it made sense that I am attracted to them. However, I feel that I need constant reassurance from others that I am queer. Because of the need for outside approval, I continue to doubt my sexuality. What I’ve learned by interacting with the mainstream LGBT community is that to be queer, I have to be, act, dress, and have sex in one specific way. Now, I know that’s not true. But I have internalized this message in such a way that I experience a lot of negative emotions when it comes to the queer community and queer anything.

    I started dating girls and could not be more nervous about dating them. I am extremely shy which I hate. While I enjoyed some of the dates, I did not fall in love after 3 dates and decide to move in with them immediately (i.e. u-hauling). Overtime, I realized that it takes me longer to feel attraction to others, including both romantic and sexual attraction. I am hopelessly in love (or infatuated) with this one girl… and any other girl I’d meet later did not compare. I was unable to feel any type of attraction towards them. It’s possible I might not ever feel this way towards another girl again. So being demisexual has made navigating queer spaces a lot more difficult. The dominant culture pressures you to be a serial dater and have many relationships, and I have a hard time saying “I love you” to my own parents. I have real intimacy issues that I feel are not validated because of the whole toxic positivity mindset of mainstream and LGBT culture. I felt and feel like a total imposter.

    The breaking point for me in not believing I was queer anymore was when I went on a date with a girl and by the end she was like, “I don’t think you’re lesbian/bi/queer. You’re straight.” I immediately was crushed, humiliated, and embarrassed that an actual bisexual woman was telling me that I wasn’t queer, that I was just a simple straight girl… Because I didn’t sleep with her on the first date? Because I wasn't attracted to her right away? I never got an answer. If a bisexual woman sense that I’m not queer then perhaps she is right. In the moment, I believed her because I am always seeking reassurance from others. She made me second-guess and doubt myself on a regular basis. Anytime I'm in an LGBT space I feel a lot of negative emotions. So here I am now, still feeling like a complete fraud.
     
    #1 elliecat, Jan 18, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2021
  2. BiBiLife
    Eat Me

    BiBiLife ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    No one has the right to tell you what your sexuality is. You do not need anyone's approval or agreement to be queer. You are how you are.

    It's commendable that you don't fall into the u-haul stereotype. I have, and it doesn't end well. The other stuff is irrelevant. Be your authentic self unapologetically.
     
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  3. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Active Veteran
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    Hi Ellie<3 I am SO incredibly sorry you have been feeling this way=( After reading your post, I feel like I have a LOT, a LOT to say, but I dont know if i'll remember it all lol. I will indeed try, there's a lot to unpack here and I do want you to know that I, along with a lot of others here, have gone through or felt similar things to what you are describing, you are NOT alone.

    Going from there, EVERYTHING you are feeling is valid. Don't feel like an imposter or like you are wrong in any way, its okay to feel what you are feeling, to be unsure and question, it IS okay and it happens to every single one of us. There is not a single human being on this earth who has not at least WONDERED at some point in their lives about being with the same sex. Sexuality is very fluid, it doesn't always stay entirely the same, it can fluctuate. I do think in general, there are hints about what someone is all throughout their life, its never a complete surprise, its just sometimes people aren't aware of those hints or realize they could mean anything until later. Its VERY much okay for you to not know what you are yet. Its VERY much okay to think you could be one thing, but aren't totally sure or if you feel like no label really fits you, that's okay. It doesn't mean you aren't smart or you are a fake, not at all. We all figure out what our sexuality is at different times. Some people know really early as kids (although its rare), some people know as teenager or young adults, some people find out much later. Every person is different, its NO reflection on you.

    Another thing that is important to point out that is in the same vein, NOBODY and I repeat, NOBODY can ever tell you and should ever tell you what you are. They don't know. Your family can't tell you, your friends, random people, us, anyone. None of us can tell you that because we aren't you. We don't know your feelings or thoughts, we aren't in your head. That's something only you can ever know and whatever you say you are is what you are. Nobody should have anything to say about it, some people may try, but their ideas and opinions carry no weight. Don't let them make you feel bad. There is no set of rules for being a certain sexuality. You don't have to be blonde, dress butch, flirt with girls and spit pick up lines constantly at them like Will Smith from Fresh Prince and broadcast it all to the world in order to be a lesbian. Its not like that. Everyone is different, everyone is unique. I consider myself bisexual, I don't know if I will always keep that label or change to demisexual lesbian, but its what i've had for awhile. I haven't really liked any guys in over 10 years, I was only ever romantically attracted to them, never sexually. Girls I am romantically and sexually attracted to and I see myself with a girl in the future, not a guy. I'm super shy, have kinda sorta asked a girl out once, but that's it. I'm probably THE most feminine person on earth and I don't really post about what I am or talk about it often in public because you never know how someone will take it if you don't know them AND I have relatives that don't know about me. Not saying what I am though, being shy and reserved, dressing girly, none of that is any indication of what I am. Those are pieces of me, qualities that I have, but my sexuality is separate. The same goes for you<3 You can be anything you want to be, you can like whatever you want to like. There's SO many pieces of you that all combined and added together make YOU. Your sexuality is only 1 part of millions.

    Its also okay to not really have liked many girls yet or made a special connection with many of them, that's perfectly normal. In fact, it probably makes you a more genuine person. It takes you time to get to know them, trust them, see the sort of person they are before you fall in love. I do the same thing. That's not a bad thing AT ALL. You figure too, we don't fall in love with everyone we meet. We only fall for a select few and there are always reasons why. What you had with that one girl, that connection is rare and beautiful, but it will come again. It won't come in the same form, it WILL be different because it won't be her and you would have grown since then, your life experiences and all will be different, but you WILL love again. How affectionate you are too, that doesn't mean you are doomed to not love someone. We act differently towards different people in our lives. I'm very affectionate with my friends and people I have been romantically into, but I don't really act affectionate with my parents or siblings really. Its not because I dont love them, I just feel awkward and shy, we aren't really that kind off family. Again, it doesn't mean anything about you. Actually loving someone involves a lot of factors, its not something instantaneous.

    Man, that was a lot lol. I hope I remembered everything. If you would like to talk about this or ANYTHING/be friends, you are more than welcome to message me. My inbox is always open<3 You will be okay, I promise you will. Just give yourself a break and know that you WILL get there, you will find it out. You don't need to know the answers to the universe right this moment, our sexuality is something we find out at different times. In fact, you could even say it may be a lifelong learning situation. Anyway though, everything will be okay<3
     
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  4. elliecat

    elliecat Greenhorn
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    Thank you. I wasn't expecting to be commended for that. I know that no one has the right to help me what my sexuality is, but I still feel like a fraud and I'm not sure how to overcome this. I feel more internal reassurance when I am alone but when I step into LGBT spaces I immediately feel like an imposter. I just don't understand what I am feeling and why, and where do I go from here?

    I fear that I am only my authentic self when I am alone and I can't do that when I'm with others; thus, I will end up alone. If I accept my true self - that I am not other people, I will be alone in this. I am going through this completely alone right now. I still can't find that internal reassurance wherever I am at and I'm scared that I'm not really queer. Is there a way to overcome this?

    starlightprincess thank you for sharing your story with me. Dressing and acting a certain way is no indication of sexuality, I agree with you. However, I can't stop feeling like it does, and I don't know how to rid myself of these feelings.
     
    #4 elliecat, Jan 18, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2021
  5. elliecat

    elliecat Greenhorn
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    https://www.spectrumsouth.com/pride-letter-welcome/

    I found this article, and I feel it's a perfect description of feeling that queer imposter syndrome, and I relate to it a lot. I cried while reading it.

    The more I felt I wasn't queer enough or queer at all, the more I felt depressed; the more I withdrew from everything LGBT; the moment I threw away my pride t-shirt; the more I avoided girls; the more I felt I was alone in all of this; the more I felt that I don't belong anywhere; the more I hated myself.
     
    #5 elliecat, Jan 18, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2021
  6. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Active Veteran
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    I'm so sorry sweetheart=( In time, you have to find acceptance within yourself, that's the only thing that is going to make you feel better and change your mindset, take the internal pressure off yourself (which there is a tremendous amount). You have to let go of how other people feel/think because people are always going to think and say whatever they want to, you have no control over it. But that also doesn't mean what they say has any real validity or defines you cause it doesn't. You are who you are and that is someone GORGEOUS, wonderful, genuine, sweet, intelligent, passionate, and all around great girl who anyone would be lucky to know and have in their life. You don't have to be any more or any less than who you are. People will love you for exactly who you are, and the people who don't don't matter. You will never be alone, you will never not belong. You are one of us and we accept and love you for you.
     
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  7. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    Just so you know, this group is the most accepting, non judgmental group I have ever know.

    You kind person, are the only person who can decide with is right for you.

    Never let others define you.

    Just Love what is inside of you as that is who you are and sometimes, it take a bit of soul searching to find but when you do, embrace and accept that and building your foundation on that.

    I am sorry and please keep us updated - Jo
     

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