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I don't quite know how to feel....

Discussion in 'General (Off Topic)' started by Carlita, Jan 24, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Carlita
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    Carlita Aww. How adorable
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    I don't know quite how to feel at the moment.

    I met this woman I said about a couple posts ago. So, we're talking on the phone for a week. I told my other friend I'm really getting to like her and all of that but she (the girl I'm talk to) is just getting over her ex. She said she needed a friend and outlet for her feelings. I haven't known her that long but we are cool.

    So, we finally got to have "the talk."

    Mind you: I look like I'm in my mid to late 20s; I'm 38. I've always been emotional part medical and part personality. I've always been touchy feely part medical, personality, and parents are the same. So, cause I have seizures, I tell people to believe what I say not what I do.

    Also, I've had one relationship before but I broke it off. This was over ten years ago and my ex (and best friend) and I have moved on. She's with her girl. I'm by my lonesome. Everyone's cool.

    So, the girl I'm talking to, 40, said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who hasn't gone through a break up before. I already knew she wanted children and I don't and she's going through a break up and on the other hand, she's saying "I don't want to be responsible for hurting you 'like this'" type of thing as if I'm a vase on a China cabinet or something.

    I talked with my ex and she was like I did go through a break up but since it's been so long ago, how can we remember "how it feels" especially when we're still friends. It just didn't work out. That's totally different than my new friend whose relationship broke off in a less happy grounds. I'm fortunate not to have "harsh" breakups.

    Anyway. We're supposed to be meeting Monday. I'm glad we had the talk but I wish it was less about my "being glass silverware" and more of her just not ready or want to date. I can handle the latter. We only talked for, what, a week. But the former is an insult to my being.

    Outside of that, everything is cool. I just don't know how to "get back" because instead of seeing each other as friends, it seems more of a innocent-child.

    So, there ya go.
     
    #1 Carlita, Jan 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
  2. Kahlan

    Kahlan Reliable Advisor
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    She may need to be reminded that you are actually only 2 years younger, and don't need to be handled with kid gloves.

    It also "seems" like she's doing a pre-op with you. "are you aware of the risks, side effects, recovery time, rehabilitation, and eventual long term prognosis." A very odd thing to do imo, in a world where we tend to put our best foot forward. She seems to want to make sure you are bracing for impact. She may be a bit neurotic, or she may just be caring, and knows herself in her present state, as you mentioned.

    It's really hard to tell from here, but just continue to go with it and see how the next few talks go. I would guard your heart and take it a bit slow though. Things don't seem to be "full steam ahead," with her.
     
    #2 Kahlan, Jan 24, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2020
  3. Carlita
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    Carlita Aww. How adorable
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    True. Thanks. Yeah. I was ready to just move on with the kids-thing. That was our deal breaker and all of that. I'm flirtatious by nature (which she doesn't get yet) so liking someone goes full blast. Then, when I get the red light, I totally change. I'm aware of my feelings and senses etc. So, just be straight and I know how to adjust.

    I mean, I know break ups are bad, not trying to put it lightly. When you get into one, of course you gonna think "this is the one." It's not a child thing. I'm sure she didn't walk into a relationship thinking she's ready for a break up. They even got married.

    That, and I picked it up way before and asked her already what type of friendship is she looking for. But, the thing is, I really like talking to her. She's gone through a lot as a veteran, to name a huge one, and all of that. So, of course, that's a lot to think about. But friends aren't judgmental or anything like that.

    I told her friendship, relationship, whatever, I can't stand being belittled and devalued.

    Just people feel you should already be "grown up". To me, that's stupid. There are a lot of people, myself included, who haven't gone through huge issues with Coming Out. Yet, you have people being hurt, kicked out their homes, etc and they are way younger than me. But they didn't choose to be in that situation and they are adults because they are strong and know how to get through it.

    So... I know her break up is messing her perception up a bit but on the other hand, I'm just still in shock. I don't want to cut it off, type of thing. But I don't know how to get back at the same time.


    But, yeah..
     
  4. Kahlan

    Kahlan Reliable Advisor
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    Yeah, and that, in all likelihood, after everything else is buried, set aside, gotta through, will be the one that keeps rearing it's ugly head. While I know that people who initially don't want kids may come to eventually want them, I've never actually heard of a content person who gave up that dream just to be with someone. At best you carry on with regret "in the name of love," but more likely you find someone who wants kids and become drawn to them instead. I used to have this set of "deal breakers" in my head as a prerequisite to committing to anyone. In the last few years I've found that I'm able to modify and shrink that list down to a more realistic view of things. For instance, my soul mate no longer needs to be a beautiful billionaire virgin born from a virgin. :p  Anyway, the children/no children one is often a deal breaker that manages to last after things like lifestyle, interests, body type, and resting bitch face fall away.
     
  5. Carlita
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    Yeah. I told her the other stuff we have, like her having PTSD from the Iraq war years ago, and healing from her ex, long as she's honest and not jumping the gun, I'm fine.. but another human being! Naw. It was never a passion. I told her IF I took care of a child, I'd have to be there from the get go. And even then, holding a child...I've never been a child person.

    But she respects that. We did have a talk last night. She said she didn't want to be with someone who hadn't fallen in love....before.

    Anyway, she was like she has been through so much stuff she feels no one should be worthy of her love, type thing.



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    #5 Carlita, Jan 25, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2020
  6. Kahlan

    Kahlan Reliable Advisor
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    Well most people don't start having kids at 38-40 so I was wrong in thinking it could be a problem down the road for you two. Sorry for that assumption, I'd sorta forgotten that detail.

    It sounds like, at it's root, she just doesn't want to be with someone who is immature and hasn't lived some life, taken some hard knocks yet. Perhaps she equates having gone through love and loss with a higher level of stability in the partner? I guess I can grasp it, but I think it's limiting her options. Also, does this really even apply? You're not immature in life experience.
     
  7. Carlita
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    Yeah. That makes sense. She's been to war, almost lost her life to two bombs and lost her friend to one, breakups, and insecurities. If it were a generational difference, I can see it but not as a peer.

    I mean, I was saying I never had a bad coming out experience but I have had brain surgery. I haven't been kicked out but I have seen my parents fight (lbw). I don't have PTSD but clinical depression. One is situational and the other isn't.

    She (and my ex) always wanted to have children. It's there passion. My ex is dating a woman three times young who Never had a relationship and just realizing her sexuality. But if you see them you would never know cause it goes beyond that. Both parties are learning new things and if you base your present on past experiences it's missing out on things you never known since everyone's different.

    She is limiting her options, I agree. I'm not sure how she can find a middle ground without putting people on boxes.

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  8. Carlita
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    I broke it off with my ex, cried, and all. But the difference is we were already friends so we took a year break and been friends since. I'm fortunate to have that and my ex all her friends except one is like that too.

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    #8 Carlita, Jan 25, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2020
  9. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Look, she's coming off a breakup, so she's wary -- still going through all the things that went wrong in her failed relationship, and swearing to herself that she won't make the same "mistakes" again. She's setting up barriers around herself, and they'll only come down gradually, as she recovers from some of the hurt she felt.

    When you're together, the best thing you can do is a lot of listening, affirming her feelings, and keeping talk of your own wants an needs to a minimum. -- except when they echo the kinds of wants and needs that she's expressing. You can't know how compatible the two of you might be until after she's had some recovery time -- so don't expect much of her until she's had a chance to get her head straightened out a bit.
     
  10. Carlita
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    I don't feel right. Trying to get back where I was but when you're insulted, break up or not of you decide to be friends you got to acknowledge the other person too. If not, like in her text, it sounds more she needs someone to outlet to more than a friend regardless.

    That text (more to it) threw me completely off guard that even belittling my feelings doesn't make it better.

    If we known each other for long while, I know where "we" stand but since we don't, it doesn't sound like a We thing and I don't want the friendship to be based on being an outlet and I need her to attempt to understand where I come from without putting me in a box.

    I'm naturally flirtatious by nature. When I get a red sign, I stop dead track. But I'm not sure if she gets that. Not every person "acts like a teen" and I lived to long to be one



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  11. Carlita
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    I didn't read your last post since I didn't get an alert. So this isn't based on that.

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  12. Carlita
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    I've "just listened" to another friend who saw men in his home beat up, some dead. I've talked with people we're he live (cause I went to the same rehab program) who tell me they raped a girl who so happened to sit beside him in the van. I've been an outlet for a lot of his feelings and he's been an outlet for discovering my sexuality. I'm not in my 20s anymore.

    So, if I thought of it now, I'd have to put a emotional barrier between him and i cause being "in the system" messes up your head. I had a choice to walk and I did when I realized people were convicted of murder AND still doing half the stuff that brought them to jail and rehab (work program for people with disabilities) to begin with.

    She's not like that, of course. She does have a big heart. At the same time, I don't share her experiences so I can listen but if she changes conversation based on lack thereof, it changes the dynamics of it.

    My guy friend his was more codependency. He Needed an outlet so much that even though we relate I was also the Only one he could speak to. Literally.

    I'm still learning how to set boundaries because even in a relationship if you don't know where you two stand, then it will get complicated for Both people in the long run.

    I'm not sure how to tell her all this without hurting her more.










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