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Trigger Warning! I dont know...

Discussion in 'General (Off Topic)' started by Iwilldance, Dec 2, 2019 at 3:22 PM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
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    Hi! Trigger warning: Suicide
    So first of all, I am going to make one of those disclaimers again: I will not at all kill my self. Dont worry wonderful rescue team, I am safe.
    Second, I feel like a bit of a drama queen posting this, because again, I am safe.
    But here I go.
    I am thinking very much about death at the moment. I have felt something like this before and also posted about it before, but that was more random thoughts when a train drove by, like "hey i could jump, well now its to late.". I was never scared of death, often wished for it when I was really truly happy because then I could never become sad again.
    But this time it is really strong. I am feeling such a strong want of dying, and it confuses me. I even looked up how to make a noose, not at all because I plan to do it but because I like daydreaming about how to do it in the least harmful way to others possible. I have tried to make a list of people I would write letters to. I know about a special poison made from some African tree that will look like a heart attack, and have considered all from drowning myself (but they would either have no body, or it would be in a not very good shape, and people could easily stop me) to cutting an arterie (that is just horrible to the people who would find me.). Again these are just daydreams, I will not do it at all. I have plans with my life, things to do, friends i love, my life is better than ever.
    I think very much about shooting myself, but here it is almost impossible to get a gun. Sometimes it gets so strong that i just make sure noone is looking and then point at myself with my fingers, pretending they are a gun.
    What is going on? I dont understand this, because I am doing what I want, i have no idiots in my life, I live at home with loving parents. Only bad things is my fear of not reaching my goal, and my feeling of having to hurry, and it is when these come up i really want to just give up. Just not have to be passionate anymore, either by just deciding to waste the rest of my life or to end it. But why would that feeling be so strong?
    Anyway, I have my best friend who is depending very much on me to live on. So I cannot kill my self even if I truly wanted it and not just suddently. Because I can never write his letter, or my sisters in my daydreams, and i once swore never to do it before it was truly planned, and all the letters were written, and the best method found.
    I just dont know what this is.
     
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  2. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Glad to know that you're safe but I would find professional help just in case. This thread already has a trigger warning but just in case, I'm about to mention my own experience with suicidal thoughts, so be sure you decide whether or not you can read the rest of my post.

    I used to have quite a lot of suicidal thoughts back when my life was...well, barely worth calling life. Eventually I moved away from all of that, got married, had a child and life still had a lot of problems but nothing compared to what I had gone through. Still, the suicidal thoughts persisted. Not that I thought I would actually do it but in moments of stress it helped to think that there were easy ways to end it.

    Like you I would also thought how, when, what were the methods that would leave less of a mess for others to clean up and how I could do it without risking anybody else's life; how to make sure it wouldn't fail, what has the least painful...who would miss me, who would be left in pain...but it was all just ideas, I wasn't suicidal.
    Then one year my wife got invited to play at a music festival in England and we decided to make a vacation out of it so we went with the 3 of us. On the second day my wife and I had a huge argument so when she left for the festival I decided to stay behind with my son and go take a walk instead. After walking for a while we saw quite a tall mountain with a big monument on top so we decided to go up there (there was a trail) and when we finally reached the top I realised the other side of the mountain was a sheer drop all the way down and I found myself thinking "Well, this is as much of a certain death guarantee as you can possibly get".

    Not sure what happened then but I came to when my son started screaming I was too close to the edge...I was actually leaning out, still holding my son's hand. I think I had been about to jump...whether I would have let go of his hand before jumping I don't know...but he'd either be dead as well of scarred for life seeing me jump and die.

    It scared me so much I immediately pulled him into a nearby restaurant and called my wife to get the car and pick us up. When we came back home I started searching for professional help. I never thought I was actually going to commit suicide until I almost did so please, be safe, and consider finding help before you realise you're about to jump.
     
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  3. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
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    Thank you so much for always taking your time to answer.
    Wow, that is scary. I will try to seek help. But if you are not in the system i think it is quiete expensive, and i would need a very good professional to be able to convince myself to trust that they would not just fuck up.
    Also, I am not feeling very bad. How do I explain to them that i do not feel bad, just sometimes overwhelmed? That I most definetely am not depressed but just sometimes start writing goodbyeletters? How would they believe that, and not waste time trying to stop me from what they would think was me not telling the truth?
    Shouldnt I be at least sad?
     
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  4. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Something needs to be going on behind the curtain for you to feel that way but it might be something you don't realise you're feeling. A good professional will be able to zone in on it and bring it to the surface so you can start to deal with it.
    I have no idea how your system works but all my appointments were (and are being still) paid for. The big downside for people on the edge is that I wait to wait 9 months on a waiting list...
     
  5. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
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    Maybe... I feel like I should not be the one thinking about death, I am close to people who have it so much worse.

    Sounds like our system too (danish), but as far as I know we dont get to chose which professionel if it is not private. As far as I rmember you are dutch? Or something like that?
     
  6. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Portuguese but living in the Netherlands, yes. Here, you can't choose your therapist per se, but you can apply for specific clinics...of course if place opens somewhere else first you can choose whether to go there or wait for the place you chose.
     
  7. Jo A
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    Please listen to Corvus and get help.

    I understand the pain and thoughts but I choose the path of loving and caring for my self and getting the help I needed.

    May you find peace in your soul Jo
     
  8. Carlita
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    Carlita Aww. How adorable
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    I was thinking, in addition to what Corvus already said, in the mean time what do you do for fun? I know I like art. So, when I have thoughts and stuff of death and other things I may draw it, write about it (lock it away somewhere, ha), dance, or listen to music.

    This may sound weird and it does not replace professional help, of course. When you get one of those feelings instead of pointing your finger to your head to mimic a gun, draw it instead or write a letter to yourself. When you draw it, color it up with eyes, a nose, and a mouth. I know it sounds silly, but you can make your thoughts a bit silly and if it's the blues and nothing serious (which you won't know till you see a professional), it can at lease die down the physical symptoms if not the mental.

    When I suffered from clinical depression, my symptoms weren't daydreams (I wish they were!). I was talking to get an appointment and told the lady in a good mood that I did have suicidal thoughts-cause they wanted to know why I want to see a therapist. Thirty minutes later, a police officer showed up at my door-two of them. They looked at me, then at my brother, at me again and scratched their head.

    I got an appointment the next day to get them off my back. So, they take suicidal thoughts and stuff pretty seriously. While you find a professional you trust, find and out. Not the "jump in front of the train" type of one, but maybe cooking or exercising.

    But it's good that you said something. People hold stuff in and it backfires when all they needed to do was say something to the right people who care (which is good you got people who do) and point you in a healthy direction.

    Oh. Edit. That, and you can bring your drawings or writings and stuff to your therapist or so have you just in case it's hard to get things out.
     
    #8 Carlita, Dec 2, 2019 at 7:21 PM
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2019 at 7:23 PM
  9. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
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    Thank you friend
    The strange thing is though, that there is no pain. Just urges.
    --- Double Post Merged, Dec 3, 2019 at 1:08 AM ---
    Well I play the violin and am trying to be good enough to live of that. Also trying to learn to write music. But that is so serious now, it means so much to me that I easily get scared that Im not diciplined enough.
    I will try drawing it ^^
    Im just in doubt if this is even serious because even though it is very strong I am not sad and do not want to die.
     
    #9 Iwilldance, Dec 3, 2019 at 1:03 AM
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2019 at 1:08 AM
  10. Carlita
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    Carlita Aww. How adorable
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    You know, writing a song about it could be helpful?

    When I grieve, I dance. It starts off fine and then looks like I'm going insane. I'm not a dancer and it's a good stress reliever.

    Sent from my Moto E (4) using Tapatalk
     
  11. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
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    I could try that
     

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