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I don’t know what to do

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Litta, Feb 11, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Hello and sorry for mistakes, English is not my native language. Actually I am from Russia and the situation with LGBT rights here is not that great.
    So. I am in a half-closed marriage. With a woman I love. We got married in Portugal more than a year ago. We’ve been in relationship about five years now. She fell in love with me from the first sight, for me it took a bit more time. I am more logical, she is more emotional. I don’t know if it’s important or plays any role in what happened next.
    At New Years Eve she told me she has another sex interest with another woman. And yet she still has feelings for me. It was really unexpected as she was always very judgemental when speaking about betrayal and adultery. And now it’s kind of ok for her. She says she tried to fight this feeling but in vain. She says there is nothing to do, she just, like, has to have sex with another woman. They chat through watsup when I am around and she called in the evening a few times. My wife gives excuses and leaves to talk to her. It breaks my heart every time. I want to save our marriage and I said I’m ready to wait until she finally knows what she wants - me or her. But it seems like she doesn’t want to deside or choose, she wants me to break everything and take responsibility. Or maybe she hopes I’ll be ok one day and she will have me and a lover. Funny but this lover has her own relationship and doesn’t ask my wife to become her partner or more.
    I thought I could manage and wait and fight for us but I don’t know if there is a point... I don’t understand if she wants me or not. And I don’t know how to live without her. But living with her hurts too.
    We’ve been through so much together and we are good for each other. I feel like my world is falling apart and there is nothing I can do. I am also self-destructive and I’m afraid for myself. And my wife doesn’t even allow me my pain. She says I should be more positive and don’t be cruel to myself. Isn’t it ok to feel pain in a situation like this?
    I don’t know what to do. We can’t discuss it because she‘s closed herself from emotions and me and because I’m so scared it hurts too.
    It’s difficult. Has anyone ever been in such a situation? What can I do to help myself? How can I leave her if I have to? Can I fight her back? I understand everything about living a wonderful life, about self-development and self-care, but my heart aches every second of the day. I can’t eat normally, can’t sleep, can’t properly work. It’s been more than month and things haven’t got any better for me.
    I’ll be grateful for any feedback or advise or a simple „hi you will be ok one day“.
    Thank you.
     
  2. Supporter
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    Привет любовь. I am so sorry this is happening to you, and I am so sorry it is causing you so much pain. This situation is a little tricky since you yourself knows what is happening. But I will try my very best to give what I hope is good advice.

    So I understand that she has closed herself off, but you desperately need to have a conversation with her, even if it means forcing her to talk to you. You could either continue not doing anything about it and cause yourself more pain and hurt, or you can confront her about it maybe fix everything. She needs to know that it makes you unconformable and that you do not want her to have a "lover". And if she is unwilling to do that for you, then maybe you should think very hard about if you are willing to live like that.

    Ultimately you should choose something that you can live with, and something that will not cause you saver emotional pain. I understand you love her, but you should always put yourself first.
     
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  3. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Thank you for your advise! I know I have to do something, I have to decide or make her to make a decision and I should put myself first. But right now I don’t know if I’m capable of letting her go if she chooses so((( when I think about it I feel like everything breaks and there is no future for me. I understand it’s not so, but my feelings are strong and everything hurts. I am afraid I know what she is thinking. I am afraid she won’t choose me. Or maybe she has already chosen but is too scared to tell me that. And for me it would be like I destroy our marriage. Although I know that this is her doing, not mine. I know with my brain but not with my heart((( it’s always the conflict. I thought that if we had any psychological support groups in Russia I would go there and maybe express my feelings to feel better but it’s Russia. No support for a girl loving a girl. I wish I could talk to my mom, but she died three years ago. My most important person was my wife and I can’t find peace in her arms as I used to.
    Maybe I have already lost her, I don’t know how to accept that(
     
  4. WiredToLive
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    Привет, добро пожаловать. Yes, it's completely understandable to feel huge amounts of pain in a situation like yours. But harming or being self destructive to yourself is not. Unfortunately, people change. And sadly, things end. What you're feeling, this intense anguish and hurt, it will subside. When you begin to move through the initial shock of feeling slighted, abandoned and set aside by her it will get better. It's going to take time, so be kind and gentle with yourself. It's not you're fault. She's simply moving in a direction different than you now.

    Nothing and no one can undo the experiences, the time or the love you've shared together. What you've meant to each other. When you have a connection with someone you deeply and genuinely care about, no matter the circumstance or end result. It never goes away. You snap back from time to time. And they never stop being important. You'll carry that with you and she will too. I know it's hard, difficult and feels impossible to even begin to imagine a life without her. It's never easy letting go. But, she's telling you with her actions than with what she's saying. For yourself, and for her. You need to listen and respond peacefully! My heart truly goes out to you! And, I'm wishing the very best in all things going forward in your life.
     
  5. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Thank you for your kind words!

    I agree with you. Time heals. Good moments in the past are still our good moments. I wish I just could tell all these to my heart and it would stop reaching for her and aching for her. Sometimes i want to fight for our family, sometimes I think I need to let her go. I wish it gets better soon, but I know I’ll need a lot of time to get over it.
    Life always does what’s best for us. I usually believe so. But now the thought hurts.
    Thank you again.
     
  6. WiredToLive
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    Sadly, she's telling you by her actions not to fight. I know it's very hard, feeling like you're losing your wife, lover, best friend and family all at once. But please, keep your chin up, it's time to fight for you. You deserve so much more in a relationship, and so much better out of life. Time will ease this and distance too. I feel the best thing for your health, and your heart is to move out. To distance yourself from this difficult and heart breaking situation. Which will send a clear message to her, that her careless and thoughtless behavior is unacceptable. You're stronger and wiser than she is giving you credit. Remember, you're a beautiful and amazing woman. You've got everything you need inside of yourself. As incredible as it is to share love with another person, that person will never be the source of your love. You're the source of your love. When you cultivate love and affection from within, people and experiences that match that positive, genuine, energetic frequency of love will automatically come to you. I believe also too, that the universe guides us in so many ways towards our best path. The journey we take is not always a happy or easy one. This is life. And yes, all things do happen for a reason. I wish you all of the very best. Please hold courage and peace in your heart and healing in your soul. If you ever want to just chat, get things off of your mind and chest, need a friend. Please, don't hesitate to contact me.
     
    #6 WiredToLive, Feb 12, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 12, 2019
  7. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Thank you for your support!
    I’ll do my best. I try to live normal life, meet with my friends, take care of myself, do nice things to myself. I hope it’ll help in the future even though it won’t be easy at the beginning. My friends say I should leave too. I’ll try to fing courage to do so. And look for love inside of me. I’m not a bad person, i know how to love. One should learn to be happy with himself.
    Thank you.
     
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  8. Claire xoxo

    Claire xoxo Greenhorn
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    I always got tought that in life you make your own bench mark and you never allow someone to knock it ....so you put yourself where you think you deserve so if you allow her to treat you like this and that this is all your worth then you will always get treat like that and it’s a shame as clearly you deserve so much more ...personally I think if she’s unwilling to take time to talk then she’s not worth you time in general hope you get sorted soon xxx
     
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  9. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Thank you for your comment!
    Yeah, I know it’s right to put yourself first, I need to learn to do that. Actually I’ve always thought I could manage everything and take care of myself, but this experience is new for me and it shows I still have to work on my self-esteem and self-care. It’s hard to believe a person so caring and loving can become so cruel. Hope I’ll be fine sooner or later and get back control over my life.
     
  10. Pathfinder
    Inspired

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    Just a quick response here.

    Have you two maybe not had any intimate relations for a really long time and this is her trying to send you some kind of twisted message. It seems strange for her to do such a sudden out of character u-turn. Sexual frustration can turn into pent up anger, maybe she's not even aware it's happening. Just a thought. Her actions are too blatant, it's like she's actually trying to annoy you.

    You need to put your foot down though and let her know how outrageous it is for her to be flirting with this woman right under your nose when you didn't sign up for an open relationship. You said she is emotionally closed off, but tell her that with the rest of what she is doing (and getting away with) it's 100% unacceptable to also expect you not to be able to get an explanation. If she won't compromise at all, she's not worth it. Sorry to say it.

    Plus, Valentine's day is coming up soon and who knows what's she's planning to get up to or how serious she is. Put your foot down woman.
     
  11. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Thank you for commenting!
    we actually have some kind of restrictions concerning sexual life. We rent a room with a neighbor in a flat and sometimes my wife can’t really relax for, well, you know, because of that (that our neighbor can hear everything). But after her confession we spent some time in bed together. Later she had health problems so we couldn’t do anything. And now it’s me who offers something and she refuses always with good reasoning. But I can see what she finds me attractive. It’s all very confusing.

    I can’t say that this was a sudden turn of character. She said she had had this interest for almost a year but she had tried to fight it. She likes to follow her emotions, not logic or choice of mind. I think she decided she should change her attitude according to her feelings and interests. And so she has created a whole new idea of life and its purposes. It took some time for her and now she is just presenting this new attitude to me. I’m sad that she just hasn’t come to me when it all started. I think we could figure things out together. Change something. Find a way. But she did what she did.
    We have even talked more about our sexual needs and maybe trying new things but again I am ready to act and she is not. Maybe she is too interested in trying with another woman and it has lasted so long she can’t get this idea out of her head. I don’t know.
    I have given her a present this morning and a card with my poem dedicated to her. She said she liked it. But yesterday she told me she didn’t want any specific plans for today as it is just an ordinary day and no special moments or actions are necessary. Secretly I hope for some little nice surprise but I’m afraid it’s not happening.

    My beliefe is when you have any problems in relationships you should sit and talk. Almost everything could be solved if both people want it. I’m not really good at talking but for our relationship I tried many times. She doesn’t know how to do it. It’s easier for her to distance and close herself. And I feel that this other woman has an influence on her. So I don’t know how to reach her and have an open conversation. I don’t want this to be the end of us, but I can’t understand what she wants and she won’t tell me that now.
     
  12. Pathfinder
    Inspired

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    Maybe you can offer her something relaxing and non-sexual like a massage.

    Also, what's her main love language?

    Another thing that interests me - how does she interact with you on a day to day basis compared to before?
     
  13. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    I massage her almost every evening)) She has problems with legs and her back and shoulders. It’s like our daily routine. She accepts that. It helps her a bit, a little pain release. I’ve gone to massage courses so it’s some kind of professional care.

    About love language... She likes attention and good food, especially sweets. But now she shouldn’t eat a lot of sweets because of health so I don’t buy it and try to cook something healthy, although we eat some cookies. She asks me to stop her from eating a lot))) And I listen to her every evening as she is talking about difficulties at work and people who annoy her and other things. I know she needs to talk about it.

    She became distant. She is not so touchy as usual. She doesn’t want any plans not only for vacation but also for the evening. If I offer to watch a movie - which we did on lazy days or long evenings - she says she is not interested and prefers to scroll Facebook. She doesn’t respond to me playfully saying something sweet or me trying to kiss her. Rarely she kisses my shoulder or cheek. She doesn’t hug me first in the evening and doesn’t hug me goodnight (which we usually did before and now she just lets me hug her back), but she hugs me in the morning still half asleep and she hugs me if I start it. She also stopped sending me texts during the day and she responds coldly if I do. I know she has a lot to do and she is busy but before she could find the time or at least be more loving and friendly with her answers like a Heart or kiss. And I am sure if I ask her about messages now she would say she is too busy and it’s not the time to talk and so on. Or maybe she’d add that I am imagining things and she is tired and doesn’t want to have this conversation.
     
  14. WiredToLive
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    It's extremely loving, generous and sweet to think of her as you have this Valentine's Day! To be so concerned about her health and well being. Kudos on that! But you my friend, deserve so much more than the cold and distant crap you're getting from her.

    You hit the nail on it when you wrote, "Almost everything could be solved if both people want it." The sad, difficult and unfortunate circumstance is that it took her 1 year to let you know how she's been feeling. And by her actions, mood and lack of communication she's moved on and no longer seems to want this relationship. You have to make some positive choices for you, your welfare and disposition are where your focus really should be.

    My heart goes out to you. You've invested so much time and so much of yourself. But, it takes two. And she doesn't appear to be willing to save or repair it. Keep your chin up and I wish you the best with this situation. If you need to talk further, please don't hesitate to contact me directly.
     
    #14 WiredToLive, Feb 14, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
  15. Pathfinder
    Inspired

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    Maybe she is suffering from depression.

    I think you should write her a letter and leave it out for her to find when you're not around. It's a much less invasive form of communication and you can tell her how you feel. Don't hold it in any longer.

    Hope you can sort it out in the end.
     
  16. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Thank you for your kindness!
    Today i feel like I slowly begin to understand the situation and maybe in the nearest future I will be able to fight for myself!
     
  17. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    Not sure about depression, but some sort of emotional break or, like, pause might be. She told me today she is on energy saving mode now. Whatever that means. She says she is a bad person as a matter of fact and without emotions. I don’t know if she feels bad about it or if it’s just a convenient pose she takes. Sometimes people say „I am a bad person“ meaning they don’t want to change and you have to accept it or leave them alone.
    Anyway I’ll think about letter, thank you for advice. Not sure if it’ll help because she might read it and do nothing about it. I don’t know what to expect.
    Thank you for your time and thoughts! It helps a lot.
     
  18. Pathfinder
    Inspired

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    If she ignores your letter I think you have a real problem.
     
  19. Litta

    Litta Hot Cookie
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    I‘m afraid I do have a real problem, yes((
    It’s just hard to accept and to deal with it. I do everything I can to save this marriage but it seems she is not ready to help me. And it takes two people to save relationship. She hasn’t changed her mind. She says she is just the same as „most people“. She means that most people cheat on their love ones. And she says she is not her own role model. She is „a bad person“, that’s it. So nothing changes. She is cheating and she wants to continue.
     
  20. Pathfinder
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    Most people don't cheat because they're typically not stupid enough to throw away a good long term relationship for a fling. It's a matter of loyalty as well. They say, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything".

    Well, only you know what she's really like. 5 years is pretty long to be together. I don't know what to advise you next because it seems like 5 years is worth a fight for, yet she is really treating you pretty badly.

    So, I'm guessing that all she has done is talk to this woman? I feel like I'm asking you too many questions, but I'm just curious because I can't understand how she let's you do all that stuff for her (massages, cooking, listening to her problems etc) then she pays it back by doing this. And you said she was a caring person.
     

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