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Bisexual I am sad

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by bisexual husband, Aug 9, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    I’m straight. I have been happily married for over 20 years with 3 wonderful teenage children. My husband and I have been together for nearly 30 years.
    In the last few months he has revealed to me he is bisexual. Worse he cheated on me with a younger fellow. They did oral 5 or 6 times but then that was it.
    He says he did enjoy it but it was like a midlife crisis.
    He says he loves me desperately. He says he regrets it and can’t believe what he has done.
    I can cope, just, that he is bisexual but how do I trust him again. He says he loves me, attracted to me. He says attracted to men but not romantically and doesn’t feel that he needs to do anything again. Sort of said it ticked a box but doesn’t want to go there again.
    We have 30 years together I can just give up but the lies and cheating he did is so hard to forgive.
    I am sad and embarrassed and scared.


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  2. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Hi there, BH, and welcome to the forum. Bisexual guy speaking.

    Being cheated on is always awful; it rocks your world and makes everything you felt sure about feel suddenly insecure. Undoubtedly it is going to take a while for the two of you to get over it, but if you want to, you will.

    Fact: your husband came out to you. He did this because he loves you and he needs you to understand who he is 100%, because the psychological burden of pretending to himself that he's straight, of denying his natural, god-given sexuality got too much to bear. He might have been denying his nature ever since puberty; it's also possible that his attraction to men is as new and surprising to him as it is to you: a person's sexuality can undergo unexpected shifts at any point in life. This forum is rather well populated with men and women who've been amazed and confused by this discovery, in middle age, after decades of certainty that they were straight.

    Your husband's bisexuality doesn't de-value all you've been to each other for the last 30 years; doesn't mean he loves you any less than a straight man would. I know this FOR CERTAIN because I am bisexual and I was with the love of my life - a woman - for 28 happy years. We'd still be together now if she hadn't been stolen from me by cancer. The difference in our case was that I was already out as bisexual before we met: I didn't have to bury a whole chunk of myself for decades out of fear that she'd reject me.

    You said it yourself: the two of you have THIRTY YEARS together! Doesn't that tell you something pretty amazing about the depth of his love for you? Your man didn't choose his sexuality - nobody does - and he should not be made to feel ashamed of being himself. Yes, he shouldn't have gone exploring it behind your back - you won't find anyone on this forum who'll condone cheating - but I absolutely believe that his love for you is as strong as it ever was.
     
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  3. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    I know he loves me but now that he cheated, I am absolutely petrified that he will leave me for a man. He says never, but I would of said he would never cheat.
    Was your wonderful wife heterosexual? Was she scared she was never enough?


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  4. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Yes, the central thing here is that he cheated - that's the betrayal: the wound that the two of you have to heal. If he had cheated with another woman you'd be feeling equally aggrieved, and with equal justification. Indeed, if it had been with a woman, you would have had even greater cause for concern.

    Why? It's to do with the nature of his bisexuality. Remember how he told you that he feels no romantic attraction to men? That's very important. Your man is what's known as a "hetero-romantic bisexual": he can find both men and women physically attractive, but he can only fall in love with a woman - and he did: YOU.

    If you're tempted to think this a little unlikely, believe me it's not. Such discontinuities between what types of human a person finds physically attractive and what types they're able to fall in love with is a well-documented, even commonplace, phenomenon. For example, on this forum we often have to provide tea-and-sympathy to people who are stuck in the awful position of being sexually attracted to one gender ...but romantically attracted to the other. What chance happiness for them?

    Re. My wife: yes she was heterosexual, and no, she never felt that she "wasn't enough" - at least, never on account of my bisexuality. We made a promise to be faithful to each other and we stuck to it. Of course, like any adult humans, we still occasionally found other people attractive - who doesn't? - but we had the good sense to be honest with each other about these little fancies and not to make each other feel guilty about them. In this way we strengthened our bond, secure in the knowledge that our love trumped anything. I recall with especial fondness one particular evening in a restaurant: the two of us, giggling naughtily at each other over the candles and wine glasses ...because we both fancied the same waiter. :) 

    But, you see, we were lucky: I was already comfortable with my sexuality and able to be open about it long before we met. Throughout my dating years, I was able to filter out unsuitable partners: anyone who wasn't cool with me being bi was clearly the wrong person for me. Consequently I never knew what it was like to fall deep in love with someone and then feel so scared of losing them that I had to shut half of my sexuality in a box for fear of rejection.
     
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    #4 Thespis, Aug 10, 2019
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  5. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    It’s all so difficult and I feel so hurt and worthless. Can I ask a question though......he says he is attracted to both men and women, me specifically and only could have a romantic relationship with a woman. But he has also said when we discuss fluidity, he says probably more physically attracted to men. Should that be a major concern to me? He says he is physically attracted to me and we do have great regular sex but this just didn’t sound good to me?


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  6. mike300

    mike300 Active Veteran
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    dont worry!! he will never leave u...i can say it by personal experiance...i m maried too for 25 years happily and love my wife but i have also bi thoughts like your husband..its physical, not romantical at all!!! i assure u that he will not abandon u for a man...if u can get through the matter that he cheated u , all things will go ok!
     
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  7. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    I know just how awful you feel: I was cheated on - a long time ago now, but I remember the knife-to-the-heart impact of it and the sense of "I've been thrown on the scrapheap".

    Re. the balance of his sexual attraction, it's very common with bisexuals for the balance to be tilted somewhat one way or the other: it's hardly ever 50/50. The thing to hang on to here is that he loves you. Love is more powerful than sex alone.

    I'm just getting ready to go out for the day, so I may have to sign off for several hours, but before I go, could I ask you a question? How did you find out that he'd been having sex with this man? Did you discover evidence and confront him, or did he come to you with the news?
     
    #7 Thespis, Aug 10, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2019
  8. Jo A
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    Jo A Well-Known Ambassador
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    I am sorry you were cheated on and Thespis is right, most here would not cheat on those we love.

    My friend who helped me accept myself is bi and she is married and would never cheat on her husband. We talked about this in detail and it is just like a any marriage cheating is wrong.

    I agree he loves you and it will be hard but the trust must come for you or there is no happiness for you.

    Remember in all of this you are important and you have things you must work through. But him being Bi does not mean he loves you less and is leaving you.

    He did something stupid and unforgivable but that is between you and God to offer him forgiveness.

    Again I am sorry and please accept a hug filled with hope - Jo A
     
  9. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    I really appreciate you taking the time to chat! I came to the same conclusion that the bisexuality was difficult to believe after nearly 30 years I could come to terms with it. The cheating not so easily.
    My husband had a nervous breakdown in September. A large number of reasons, he runs own consultancy and stead was a problem, very bad relationship with his family and a father who didn’t want him, health issues with his heart and he was told by a doctor he was going to have a stroke by December and he believed he was going to die and of course his bisexuality. Not great package in the end.
    He started seeing a fellow 30 years younger, that freaks me out in itself, in the October. Was only one fellow and it ended in January. They hooked up 5 times with kissing and oral sex which is just so personal . The other fellow left the area but my husband said it was dwindling for him anyway.
    He decided to never tell me as he was done with it anyway and regretted it terribly.
    In June I saw a text on his phone from a name I didn’t recognise. It said check your Snapchat. As soon as my husband saw it his face drained and he then told me everything. Worst day of my life. It was going to kill him with guilt so in a way it’s good it’s all out in the open.
    Stress has gone from his head to mine.
    We have talked about absolutely everything and cried a lot. I love him and I do know he regrets what has happened.
    So if any wisdom on how to accept and forgive cheating would be life changing. I know I can never forget but how do I stop thinking about this so we can both move on. I want to but finding it too hard.


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  10. mike300

    mike300 Active Veteran
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    if u love him u will forgive
     
  11. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Wow - that's whole heap of bad. It seems quite feasible to me that his infidelity was a symptom of all that: a desperate "escape valve" activity that he'd never have done under ordinary circumstances.

    How to heal, forgive and move forward? I'm not an expert in that area, but I'd suggest that the two of you seek help from a relationship counsellor.
     
  12. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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  13. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    Thank you all so much. I appreciate your very personal opinions.
    We have a very tough road ahead. Before his breakdown he was just a fully functional loving husband. So he seems like a completely different person now. I have to learn to love him again which I do, but it’s difficult and sometimes love isn’t always enough.
    We have been together a very long time, I need to try and get through this for our kids but for him as well as I am not sure what would otherwise happen. I am trying to be strong but I cry for my lost marriage a lot but hopefully time will help heal as well.
    You are all fantastic and I have loved and learnt from your insights


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  14. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    Hi Mike, just wondering if your friends and family know your bi or is that something just between you and your wife? If so, is that an issue for you? My husband says his sexuality is his business and doesn’t need anyone to know.....


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  15. bisexual husband

    bisexual husband Greenhorn

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    Thanks for feedback. Whilst I don’t really want to tell anyone I have told him he shouldn’t be ashamed and I love him regardless. He is adamant he doesn’t want to so I shouldn’t worry. I am just worried about his mental health at the moment. He has a lot of issues going on, his sexuality only one, although I would suggest that is the biggest one, and I am trying to work through the best way to support him. He has just started taking anti depressants in the last few days so I just want to help him.
    Thanks again I am a concerned wife that just wants her husband to be happy even if that means not with me but I am pretty sure he wants to be with me, but very difficult to do the right things at the moment


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  16. AudryLeigh
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    I really can't speak to any of this, but I do want to tell you that you are very lucky to have come here, and to have had Thespis provide you with his thoughts on the matter. I never fail to be amazed at Thespis' insight and understanding, and his profound ability to be totally straightforward, but in a gentle and supportive way is truly a gift. I hope you find a way to work all this out so that you are both happy again.

    Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  17. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Oooh heck - Audry's made me blush again! :D 

    Hi BH,
    As Guarani said so eloquently, here's no necessity for your man's sexuality to become public knowledge. He doesn't have to be "out" to the world if he doesn't want to. The choice of whether or not to be out - and of whom one wants to be out to - is always a personal one. A person's sexuality is private property and privileged information. If he's comfortable being out just to you, that's fine.

    And could I just add that I think you're doing brilliantly? You've had to cope with a lot of change very quickly, and you must feel pretty out of your depth. From the way you've talked about it here, though: the way you are clearly determined to get your head - and your heart - round it all, I think the two of you are going to be fine. In one of your earlier posts you said "I cry for my lost marriage." I don't see a lost marriage here: merely the beginnings of a new chapter, in which you and your man understand each other more deeply than you ever did before. :) 
     
  18. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A Well-Known Ambassador
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    We are blessed to have Thespis and I too learn much from him.

    While not cheating, coming out for me was not done well and my wife was not happy and felt my acceptance of me was a rejection of us.

    We had many long talks and lots of rebuilding.

    You are a brave person who cares deeply and the world does not have many people like you. Make sure you know you are a good person and do not forget that.

    I wish you the best and peace - Jo
     
    #17 Jo A, Aug 16, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2019

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