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I am really struggling with everything at the moment

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Mishey, Oct 9, 2019 at 7:43 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Mishey

    Mishey Very new and very shy at first
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Cleveland, Ohio
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    Through a series of posts I have been very honest about my journey to where I currently find myself. Here's a little back story for everyone:

    I'm 34, NOT MARRIED, but have three beautiful boys who are 6, 4 and 3 with my current partner that I've been with for the last 7 years. I found out he was cheating on me early December of 2018, so we sleep seperate from eachother since.

    At the beginning of the year I was hanging out with a friend. We've been acquaintances for a year at that point. She was going through some things and reached out to me to hang out. Said friend was very openly bi which never bothered me. Long story short, out of nowhere I started having feelings for her. NEVER happened before and I have a lot of attractive female friends. This one would not have been my type at all.

    I found myself wanting to hold her hand and kiss her. I eventually told her when it got to overwhelming, I got all kinds of mixed signals, I ended the friendship because I just couldn't get past the feelings.

    I told my partner, he basically dismissed everything I said about having feelings for my friend and that I was interested in women. I told him if an opportunity ever came around I was going to take it, he just laughed it off.

    I met someone, it was going very well. We clicked from the very beginning. She was smart, driven, compassionate, fun and a knockout. I couldn't believe she was interested in me and asked me out. Neither one of us had dated a woman before so it seemed to be perfect. We decided to take it slow and I told her I'd go at her pace. Things seemed to be too good to be true. The last night we were together, we ended up at her place to watch movies. She got close and snuggled up to me on the couch, held my hand and played with my hair. It was amazing.

    When I left, I kissed her on the cheek. I texted her when I got home per her request, we chatted a little before saying goodnight and then all day between out busy days like normal. About 5pm she sent me a text saying she didn't want to see me anymore, and her reason was because I didn't like hockey. I know that's not it but I'll never know for sure what the hell happened because an hour before we were making plans for the week.... she kept saying how she couldn't wait to see me again BLAH BLAH BLAH. I was very open and honest with her about my situation, she understood.

    I texted her once a couple days later so I could get my things back. Some DVDs a hoody I think. Two hours later I got a call from the police with a friendly warning to no longer contact her. If I wanted my stuff back I could meet her at the station. I told them she could keep it and I didn't want any trouble. Lastnight, she shows up at my bar where she knew I'd be watching the Browns (American football) game, I left before I think she saw me, she hates football so I'm not sure why she was there.

    WHERE I AM TODAY:

    I find myself sad and confused. I know I'm not the greatest catch right now because of my situation, but I have to set myself and my boys up for success. I've been a stay at home mom for the last several years up until about 4 months ago. I'm sweet and thoughtful, kind and caring. I'm pretty laid back and a social chameleon in the way that I can get along with just about anybody in any situation. I work hard for what I have and my boys will always come first. I'm always willing to help others and I'm very compassionate. I'm not a real looker, but I also don't try either. I have my personal reasons. I make up for my lack of presentation with a ton of personality. I have freckles, pale skin, red hair I don't dress up unless I have to. I know that's no winning combination, but I like to be comfortable.

    I'm not looking to be with anyone right now, that was never the plan. I haven't come out to a lot of people, but seven of the most important people in my life. In the end, those are the people who matter. They were all very supportive and I'm so thankful for that. Once I get out of my current living arrangement, I will come out properly and proudly.

    I guess I thought when I told the important people in my life, that things would get easier.... it hasn't. Every day that I just can't be who I am I feel like I'm losing a part of me. I'm unhappy because I just can't say what I want or be who I am. I can't be confident because I feel like I still have to hide this part of me that I don't want to. I feel like I am missing a lot of opportunities I could be taking because of it and it's getting much more difficult.

    I feel sometimes it's hard to breath, like I'm trapped between who I thought I was and who I actually am. I'm struggling a lot, more than I ever thought possible.

    The people who know about this, I don't really want to talk to them about all this. Maybe it's because they know me too well (a decade or two of friendships with each). I just know it's going to turn around, but I feel like it's just going to take too much time and I'm starting to go below the water. AGAIN I'M NOT IN A RUSH TO BE WITH ANYONE, it's more an issue of being out and who I really am. Please don't think it's I just need to be with someone, I've never been that way.

    Does anyone else struggle with this because I feel so alone and it's a sucky place to be.

    I had a conversation with him last night that we have to properly have to seperate and move out. It didn't go well to say the least. He thought this was all going to blow over, that I made it up. He now thinks I just said I want to be with a woman so I could be with another man. I don't know how to tell him any clearer than I already have.

    My heart hurts more than I ever thought it could. I feel like I'm hurting someone I love in the worst way. I love him because he gave me our children who own my heart. I will always love him for that. I don't know how to get him to understand that it's not personal. That I don't want to be with men, that I've never really enjoyed sex.

    He doesn't understand, none of my friends get it, so you are the only ones I have. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
     
  2. salasa

    salasa Lurker

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    The decision is entirely in your hands. No one can take it for you.
     

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