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Transsexual How long can i hide my dysphoria from my parents?

Discussion in 'For Parents or Guardians of LGBT+ Children' started by secret, Oct 30, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. secret
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    secret Greenhorn
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    Hello, I'm 17 years old. And i'll start mtf transformation when i go to germany. (Like 3-4 months later) And i'll be 18. My parents living in Istanbul. My mom is Turk father is German. I can not describe myself as a Turk because i don't feel, think etc.. like Turks. I feel like German. So my question is when i start progression to mtf transformation (include everything; Ask lgbt groups in my area, Find Therapist, After that hormones etc..) How long can i hide it from my parents? In Turkey family relationships are very good. And they loves me a lot. My parents are lgbt friendly but i pretty sure they dont wanna their kid to be trans or gay or whatever without straight. I dont wanna break my family relationship. I love my parents. And i dont wanna they to known me as a trans. So, how long can hide it from my parents? When i go to germany i just can see they once 3-6 month or once year. I really dont wanna my parents to know me as a trans. If they know me as a trans; I cannot talk with they anymore. It doesnt matter they accept me or not. I really dont want they to see me as a trans...
    And can i ask what is difference between Transsexual and Transgender?
    And can you share your experiences about this?
    Sorry about if i creating many posts.
     
  2. tabithaTGCD
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    tabithaTGCD Greenhorn

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    hello, secret. Thank you for sharing your life here. I'm excited for you, going through the mtf transformation. Being totally who you are, within, with your gender identity is extremely important and very valuable. I just want to say...if you have contact with your parents, they are eventually going to find out that you've transitioned, especially if your behavior/physical appearance changes due to your transformation. The only way you could ever hide it...is by not doing any surgeries (that's how I've done it....my transformation has been mostly internal. I dress in women's clothes occasionally (and show myself online only), and go out into the world in male-form (which to me, feels like a disguise). I do it that way because I don't want the attention (in the offline world), even if the attention is positive. Anyways, you must stay true to yourself, regardless of whether you're accepted or not by whoever. If you don't, you won't be your true self.
    Ok, so....to answer your other question...
    The difference between Transgender and Transsexual is.... all transsexuals are transgender, but not all transgender are transsexual.
    "transgender" is an umbrella term which includes the term transsexual, as well as other gender identities like bi-gender (which is what I am), neutrois, agender, graygender, etc.
     
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  3. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    I think you have to tell your parents before you begin transitioning -- preferably in person. It's not the kind of thing you can spring on them as a surprise: they would be very hurt because they'll feel you didn't trust them enough.
    Do you see what you're saying there? You don't want them to know because you are embarrassed and ashamed for them to know. If you're embarrassed and ashamed, you're not really sure of yourself -- which means you're not yet ready to transition.

    Talk about your feelings with your parents. Parents never are happy when they learn their child needs medical therapy to feel right, but love will carry them through -- just as it would if you needed insulin or antidepressants instead of hormones. Moreover, you're going to need the acceptance and support of people who love you as you make such an important change in your life. They can free you from that sense of shame you still seem to feel.

    Unlike some others on this message board, you have parents who are LGBT-friendly. It would be a real shame to waste that advantage. Trust them -- you won't lose their love.
     
  4. secret
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    secret Greenhorn
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    Well, i can deal with my depression. Because i know when i went germany i know what to do. I can not say it to my parents. Its kind of, i just don't know. But you can't understand me. It is just imposible to look to they for me if they thought me as a "trans". When i was young i decided to pierce my ears. I wasn't know what was happening. I just thought if i pierce my ears i'll be happy. I couldn't tell to my parents "i wanna pierce my ears" for like 6 years maybe 7. Because I was embarrassed. When i said it they normally welcomed me. But it is imposible for me to say they "i am trans" I'm currently earning 300-500 Euro by selling c# softwares (What i making). I think when i go to germany for studying i can get "Bafog" (student loan) And i earn my money by selling softwares. So i don't need to tell my parents. if I don't stick to them financially, i can handle myself, i can be free. Be 18 is not mean you become free. If you can't handle your financal req. You can't be free until you can handle it. I am pretty sure i am trans. Because i was searched about this thing when i was seven. I did makeup, nail polish etc.. This is not a new thing i discovered in myself. But in this year i searched it in detail. So, my only goal is; Go to germany, study computer science, go to therapist and start hormones,not needing the parent's money, Try to hide how long as i can etc... I just don't know what, i can't say this to my parents. I really don't wanna they to know me as a trans. Because they accepted me as a men. They talking with me like talking with other mens.. etc.. I used to hide my dysphoria when i was seven. If I live away from them for a while maybe i can change ideas. Plus they know something going different on me. And they asked me for go to a "therapist" But i declined it. Because i don't wanna they to know me as "i need a therapist". I don't know, I'm ashamed. I just wanna say "i need a therapist and talk with a therapist" But i can't. I think i need to solve this problem without anyone.
     
    #4 secret, Nov 4, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2019
  5. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Seeing a therapist is no shame; it's a reality for a lot of adults and it's quite helpful. The mentality surrounding seeking help for mental distress has (thankfully) involved...psychiatrists are no longer "for crazy people" and maybe your parents just saw you in distress and wanted you to get help; no negative connotation there.

    You need to come to terms that if you're trans and your parents would be supportive you could really use their support with your transition. Why is it so bad if they see you differently? If you want to transition they probably should.
    Look, I'm agender so I don't really understand when people say things like "they treat me like a man" but if that's not who you are why would you want to keep your parents ignorant about your true gender? Besides, what will you do after you transition? Just dump everything on them in one go? It's like moving to another country, keeping silent for years then calling home saying you're married and with kids. Shouldn't there be an in-between communication there?

    Plus, if one of your parents were transgender wouldn't you like to know before they showed up one day as the opposite sex?
     
  6. secret
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    secret Greenhorn
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    I wanna take the first step myself. I can't say i am a trans in fully male body. But i have an idea right now. I can try to make my body like girls (step by step) example i started grow my hairs, nails and the next can be waxing, laser and wear unisex clothings whic is girly. And they will see something changing on me. I can't say "i am trans" but i can show step by step. I think they will understand within 1-2 years. And i don't need to break my family relationship. I think it is great idea for show me as a trans to my parents.
     
    #6 secret, Nov 4, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2019
  7. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    You know your parents and your family dynamics the best so if you think that's the best approach then go for it. May I ask though...you keep saying you "can't" tell your parents you're trans. Why is that?
     
  8. secret
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    secret Greenhorn
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    Sometimes they saying me you behaive like girls. My father is never said that but my mom is saying it rarely. And my grandma nearly every month. Because they think sometimes i behaive like girls. If they accept my body, my life style, my everything like girls i think i can say i am trans to my parents. I can't imagine that; Say my parents i am trans after minutes behaive like boys. But if i go to therapist and change my life style step by step they will think (my son like girls, he is not like boys or etc..) and then i can say it.
     
  9. Corvus
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    Sorry, it's still a bit difficult for me to understand. If even your family says "you behave like a girl" why not just say "that's because I am one"? Maybe they already know but want you to be honest with them.
     
  10. secret
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    secret Greenhorn
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    When i was seven i did researches about gender change surgery etc.. And i remember the day i said my parents i wanna be gender change doctor (i was seven) i think i was showed a lot signs about everything when i was seven. But i dont know they understand or not. But in this days i dont know why but my father talking about marrying, etc.. when you have a child do this etc.. I was hided nail polishes in the bathroom and they found it. But i have little sister. So i think they weren't suspected me. I just wanna give signs about i am trans but i don't know how.
     
  11. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    If you're comfortable going step by step with your parents, that's what you should do -- just don't stretch out the process forever. Don't wait until you're 50 years old to finally become your true self.

    You have it in your head that your parents love "their son," and that if you're no longer "their son" they won't love you anymore. You're mistaken. The people we love always are changing -- sometimes a lot -- but somehow we just go on loving them, especially when they're our children. We love them when they become heroin addicts, or join strange religious cults, or engage in criminal acts. A parent's love is very hard to kill.
     

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