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How do you deal with being purposefully misgendered?

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by JacktheNipper, Dec 4, 2019 at 12:33 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. JacktheNipper
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    JacktheNipper Bisexual FTM, supersonic man
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    I need some advice here- because I went home for Thanksgiving and dissociated a bit due to being misgendered and deadnamed 24/7. This was very mild dissociation compared to how it's been in the past- but I'd prefer to not do that if I can avoid it.

    I'm still in the closet with my extended family, but my immediate family knows. I've tried to correct my immediate family, but they won't have it. I tried to iterate to my family that deadnaming and misgendering only makes my life worse but they aren't listening whatsoever. My mom legitimately believes that the devil has a foothold in my soul because I said I'm transgender and bisexual. My brother seems to think I'm not actually transgender. My sister is a blend of my brother's and mom's opinions/beliefs. My dad hasn't said much of anything besides the deadnaming and misgendering. In my house I can be myself, but my family is very adamant on keeping my gender identity secret from the rest of our county (which is small and word travels fast); therefore I stay in the closet anytime we go out anywhere.

    Since I have lost all hope in them ever getting it right or even making an effort, does anyone have any suggestions on how to cope with this problem? I write in a journal but that only helps so much. I'm really hoping I can figure something out before I have to leave school for Christmas break.
     
  2. florence
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    florence Hot Cookie
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    Hey Jack. I know how you feel as my parent still haven't come around since ive been on hormones for 2 years, they misgender me and also suggested that I stopped taking hormones for there own selfish reasons.
    Not the most ethical thing but I misgender cis people that misgender me, it helps get through the emotions. I also suggest meditating as it can help block out the negativity. Just stay true to who you are and don't let anyone get to you head.
     
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  3. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Might not be the most high road path to take but it's surprisingly effective. Normally when you misgender them they go from 0 to 100 on the offended scale so quickly that when you say "that feeling right there...that's what you constantly do to me" they have nothing to say back.

    JacktheNipper Be yourself as much as possible while still remaining safe and if people decide to see you for you then they are welcome to do so and if not, well, you won't need them in your life forever. The more confident and open you are about your true self the least power other people will have over you (and they know it too)
     
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  4. Thief King Bakura
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    Being misgendered by family is a very difficult, especially at a holiday dinner, or just anytime when all the family is gathered. I don't know what to say about your mom, she is not likely to change. She's relying on religion and archaic terminology to deny the truth that's in front of her. The reality is it will take some time for everyone to get used to you being a guy, especially when they have known you one way for a majority of your life. I too have had to deal with this to some extent. It has gotten somewhat better around my father and such, he has called me his son now so there's some progress.

    Your mom may not come around but it sounds like the rest of your family, if given time will. You have to remember that your transition is a transition for them too. It will take some time to get used to you being a man and using male pronouns. Give them a time period to adjust, grieve who they thought you were, and come around. That being said, that doesn't excuse them deadnaming/misgendering you at all. But you have to remember where they are coming from too. Family functions are awkward anyways. Especially for me after cutting off contact with my father for a year due to a long history of toxicity and emotional abuse. Being around him is still hard. I hope this doesn't happen with you and your family.

    At the end of the day, you don't have to compromise yourself for anyone. Be yourself, Jack. There is only one you after all. You're a man, don't let their bullshit get to you. Again, it's going to take them some time. That being said, if they don't come around, they don't. That's on them in the long run. If such a thing happens where they don't come around, you no longer have to associate with them. Your mental health and we'll being is more important. I hope this helps.

    For me, being misgendered (the rare times it does happen) barely registers on my radar anymore. I sometimes don't even acknowledge it because they are honestly talking about somebody else. Not me. When they deadname or misgender you, they're talking about somebody else, not you. Train yourself to not acknowledge your deadname. It is ok if you still respond to it as you've been trained to respond to it for a majority of your life. It's ok. Of course, getting to a point where it barely phases you will take time. In the meantime, keep up correcting them, stand up for yourself, and if you feel like you can't handle the family function, you don't have to go. Hope this helps some.
     
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  5. JacktheNipper
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    Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it. :) 

    I might try this just to explain it to my mom, because I've tried and have yet to get her to see from my point of view. Maybe this will help.

    I've thought about going with a friend who offered for the holidays. There's only two things stopping me: I've never spent a Christmas without them and I don't know if this would have repercussions for not coming back to my parents' place. They already track my phone's location- and while I can turn that off, they threaten consequences if I do.

    As for not responding to my deadname, I'm going to try that with them and see how that works.
     
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  6. Thief King Bakura
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    Don't beat yourself up if you still do respond to it sometimes. It's only natural as this has probably been your name for a good majority of your life. Plus once you're able to get your name legally changed, that will help you a great deal too. Take it from somebody who has been where you're at, it will get better eventually. When you get home from these awkward family ordeals, be sure to do something that relaxes you to help ease your anxiety. Hope this helps too. As for your family, at least your immediate family anyways, at least you told them the truth. As hard as it may be to deal with them misgendering/deadnaming you, it's on them. They're responsible for their own actions and you can control how you respond. Sometimes telling them it bothers you may not be enough. Show them when you get to that point that it doesn't affect you by dressing and presenting as a man. Also, if you don't mind my asking have you started testosterone yet? If so that will be a great help to getting them to stop misgendering you as they will have no choice BUT to accept you as a man. That's what testosterone helped me with. Just a thought. No pressure if you're not there yet, you will get there in due time. In the meantime you could look into a gender therapist or a therapist who is knowledgeable in trans/LGBT issues and they could help you, especially with how to deal with your family and such. Best of luck bro, I'm very sorry you had to deal with all that BS when you're just there to have a decent Thanksgiving with your folks.
     
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  7. JacktheNipper
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    Thank you! :)  I try to go write in my journal, listen to music, or play guitar when I find myself getting anxious or extremely frustrated. If it's bad enough, I'll walk outside and play with my dog.

    I haven't started testosterone yet but I do everything that I can to present masculine- with the exception of masculine contouring because I haven't mastered it yet. I wear a lot of hoodies and jackets and luckily for me my shoulders are wider than my hips. Once I get my financials independent of them and make sure it won't make me unable to sing from voice cracks or something (I'm in school on a singing scholarship so if I can't sing I'm screwed) I'll be going on testosterone as soon as possible.
     
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  8. RuneBeau
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    Most of the people that purposefully misgender me are homophobic/transphobic men so I just laugh to myself thinking about how it makes them look gay to call another man she and I don't correct them at all. :p 

    Maybe think of it as them celebrating your queerness as a bisexual man and use some oh henny, yass queen, gurl after they misgender you. They might even stop when they realize how they're contributing to your fabulousness.
     
  9. Corvus
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    What a fabulous savage you are :D 
     
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  10. BiBiLife
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    BiBiLife Forever in debt to your priceless advice.
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    That's awesome, you rock dude :D 
     
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  11. JacktheNipper
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    JacktheNipper Bisexual FTM, supersonic man
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    I love this, I'll be over the top and then give them an eye-roll. :D 
     
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  12. RuneBeau
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