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How do I love and accept who I am?

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Matt-UK, Nov 19, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Matt-UK

    Matt-UK Lurker

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    Hi I was wondering if I could get some support, and advise.

    I dont think I have ever really been accepted and supported for who I am. I am also scared to really express who I am without fear

    I know in my heart of hearts im gay however I have always been rewarded for pretending to be something im not. I have been doing this for so long I dont know how to be me anymore. I pretend im masculine and have this inner conflict going on that knows that not really me.

    I even look at girls. Then say to myself why are you doing that your gay. Stop pretending to be straight.

    Then I think well I know I am gay but maybe im Bi. Im pretty sure im gay in my heart of hearts but its confusing as when i was younger I did date girls. But now I seem to have become 'the girl'.

    I think sometimes the girls are just reflecting back to me the effeminate side of myself I want to explore. Id love to try drag but am scared of being effeminate and expressing that. I have been around so much homophobia I have internalized that. I am a homophobic gay man.

    I also have this belief that gay sex is gross - I think I got that from my dad or other homophobic 'friends ' growing up.

    I dont have any gay mates and when I do go to gay bars I find the people not very supportive. I also dont drink

    I am effeminate and scared to show that as experienced homophobia from others. So i have tried to be more masculine and acted for a long time. How do I drop the act and really know myself. Pretending to be something im not is making me unhappy and lonely.

    Ive been pretty lonely and depressed and hoping an online community will help me.

    I have become anxious in social situations and withdrawn in on myself. I have lost my confidence and self esteem

    I think im really just wanting my fathers approval and love but i dont think i will ever get it. So I need to accept myself myself but I cant do this alone.

    I am desperate to be in a relationship and loved buy a masculine man. But I am not putting myself out there to meet people due to my social anxiety. I am also desperate and trying not to be as its pushing people away.

    How do I accept myself. Please help

    thanks

    Matt
     
  2. angel70
    Supportive

    angel70 The Old Guy
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    The best way to learn to accept yourself is to spend time with people who accept you. As you gain confidence, you become more ready to confront people who may reject you.

    Your average gay bar is better suited for finding one-night hookups than for finding friends -- and since you don't drink, why would you want to hang out with all those drunks? Fortunately, there are better options: discussion groups, sports teams, activist groups, book clubs, and more. You just have to know where to find them, and I think I may have found some people who can help you: http://lgbtbristol.org.uk/about-us/

    Send some emails, explain your situation, and ask for advice. We welcome you here, of course, and you can count on us for support -- but IRL support beats online support every time.
     
    #2 angel70, Nov 19, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
  3. Matt-UK

    Matt-UK Lurker

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    thanks I really appreciate the support. I have been feeling pretty vulnerable and in need of support. I really appreciate your message. At the moment this is all I have. How sad is that.

    Thankyou for the link. I have joined a local lgbt swimming group. Well I have a one off taster session booked for 6th December. But they seem more into competitive swimming than a support group.

    maybe ill make a few friends. Id like that.

    I find even the LGBT community can be clicky, judgmental and shallow so I hope to meet some kind hearted people.

    Maybe ill also join other online forums.

    thanks again
     
  4. YTBIGUY
    Classy

    YTBIGUY Trust me I'm funny
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    I am a bisexual Christian so therefore it is safe to assume that I've dealt with self-hatred. I dealt with my self-loathing with some heavy repression throughout my childhood and during my last year of high school I fell apart. I was in my French class and when I started to cry uncontrollably for reasons unknown to the straight me of that time. Thankfully we were watching a movie so no one saw but I did get questions as to why I seemed so upset which I denied with glares. This went on for about a week and
    by the end of it
    I was emotionally and spiritually a husk of my former self. At this time I reached an epiphany, I had a crush on my childhood friend. I was no longer "straight" and I'm okay with it. until I told my mom and she denied it and I started thinking about the religious implications of my findings and started hating myself. Since I couldn't deny my sexuality any longer and I couldn't denounce my religion I started to look around for gay confirming churches and all of that good stuff but it all felt fake to me. So I went to prayer and meditation and started thinking about the small things that would and wouldn't be affected if I liked guys and surprisingly aside from the possibility of not having kids that are biologically mine and having a husband instead of a wife then not much else has changed I'm still me but a me who's more willing to take chances and express myself. from there I started to think about the things about me that won't change like I still love music, and most of my friends won't mind if I like guys and I'm good at cooking and things of the like. Slow but surely after many hours of self reflection and polishing up on my hobbies I'm now able to play guitar and I don't hate myself. As for the people who don't like that fact then they aren't in it except for my dad because I do love the asshole but our relationship is distant at best. so if you really want to stop hating yourself then take it slow and start with the small things. Growth is a slow moving thing that takes work and dedication so buckle down and do your best!
     
  5. Morfar
    Alienated

    Morfar (10+13)/2=11.5%(225)=26amps
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    Matt UK I am big and old and on the other side of the planet from you. Just pretend I am there for a few moments,
    all I would ask for is a hug.
    You are just alright.
     

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