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Bisexual Honest opinion needed.. should i talk to her

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by Bunni Sky, Jun 8, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Bunni Sky
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    Bunni Sky Great Learner
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    Hi guys, I've been struggling a lot lately with this so I wanted to get some honest advice.

    To preface -- I am a bi female that's married to a man.. we share two young kids. We are in an open relationship.


    So there is this girl I know from back in high school. It's been about 10 years now since I last talked to her. She was in one of my classes and I got a bit of a crush on her at the time. I don't even remember how it happened but eventually I started talking to her through Facebook and we ended up flirting and actually making plans to go out on a date one day.

    From what I remember (and Im not sure if I remember it correctly or not now), on the day we were supposed to have the date, she cancelled on me. She was spotty about when we could actually go.

    At around this time, a boy that I had been acquaintances with had started talking to me and showing a lot of interest in me. I didn't really like him much but he was very sweet and nice and I decided to give him a shot at a date as well. He showed up and he expressed so much interest in me, I kind of felt bad not giving him a chance. So I decided I'd try being his girlfriend. I told the girl that I was going to start seeing this boy and she was really upset.

    I don't remember how it went down after that, but essentially we never talked again after that.

    Just recently, I started seeing her face everywhere on Facebook. I guess she didn't have a profile or something for a while, idk. But we have a lot of mutual friends and so I kept seeing her comment on things etc. and I really couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to talk to her again and maybe try to have that date we never got to have.

    I debated on it for a while. My husband encouraged me to try and said that it would be silly for someone to hold a grudge after 10 years, that the past shouldn't matter anymore and it doesn't hurt to try. He said that I could at least try talking to her as a friend at first and see how it progresses.

    I'm just not so sure. I'm a really shy person to begin with, but I just feel so embarrassed sometimes when it comes to trying to talk to women. A lot of people are not receptive to getting involved with some thats in an open relationship. Or getting involved with someone with kids. Etc.

    I did finally send her a friend request and she accepted it the same day. I guess that is a sign that she is not holding the past against me, right?

    But it's been a couple of days now and I feel so awkward about it.. I feel like I should reach out to her soon, because the longer I wait the more awkward it is, isn't it? She hasn't tried to talk to me either, which I expect.. I think it's supposed to be my move first, right?

    I am just so nervous. I don't know why. I guess because I really don't have much social skills. I don't know how to strike up conversations or hold them. Especially not with women.

    p.s., I know that she is single and actually just recently got out of a long-term relationship with a woman. I also know she's fully lesbian, which is another thing I worry about because I know a lot of lesbian women are not receptive to bi women..

    Would you talk to her if you were me? Or do you think that the past should be left in the past and I should move on and try to find a woman elsewhere? And any tips on what to say to her would be great...
     
  2. Takusprite
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    Takusprite Dedicative Contributor
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    Hi! I think you should reach out with a simple, "hi, it's been a long time. How are you?" Start small and go from there. And if she does still feel hurt from way back then, all you can do is tell her the truth and that you never meant to hurt her.

    Others here may have better advice, but I think you should just reach out and see how she responds.
     
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  3. Amy-Rose
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    Amy-Rose Greenhorn
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    Contact her. Say you like her, and what's your social status is, plus expectations. The most you can get is a no. What's the harm?

    You weren't close for years, you might not after this attempt fails. If you get a yes, you'll get what you want.

    The only red flag I see is her ending a relationship with some other woman. She may be not in the mood for a new fling, or might use you to make ex jealous, but it's not like you are into serious courting either, as you have a husband and kids, so I guess it's fine.
     
  4. Jaycee
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    Jaycee Addictive Contributor
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    Hello there!

    first of all the main thing here is she accepted your friend request so that makes her open to friendship.

    So this is where you begin. At a friendship level.

    Yes, since you requested friendship then I believe it should be you who should message first and she is more than likely waiting for your message. Since there was a history of her being upset, she probably doesn’t know what to say.

    I would message with a simple “Thank you for accepting my friend request. It’s been a long time, I hope that you are doing ok?“

    Leave it short but sweet and see what comes back. 10 years is a long time and we change in many ways. Start with a friendship and see how that develops. It may be that she doesn’t want to persue a relationship, especially just now with having a recent break up. Perhaps some time during the friendship you can apologise for the hurt and upset that she went though 10 years ago. It is more than likely a line can be drawn under all that since it was so long also.

    If it only ever remains at the friendship level then that is better than nothing. But who knows, It may develop into something more this time around.

    Good luck with it anyway!

    Hugs
    JC :) 
     
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    #4 Jaycee, Jun 8, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2020
  5. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    Yeah, I agree with everyone else. Don't let your nerves keep you from reaching out to her since it sounds like you really want to<3 Its also really nice how your husband is so supportive, that would normally be s big hurdle for people in your situation so that's wonderful and one less thing to worry about! I would just start out as friends and if you guys become romantically interested, be honest with her. You never know what will happen until you try. Sure, she may not want to be in an open relationship, OR she may be totally fine because she's had feelings for you for such a long time and you were "the one that got away" for her. Here would be your chance to be together, she may take that<3 Don't worry too much at this point though, just keep things friendly and go slow. Its been so many years that you prob have to re-get-to-know her so things need to be slow anyways=) I would say exactly what everyone else has; "Hey, its been awhile! Hope you are doing okay=)"
     
  6. Bunni Sky
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    Bunni Sky Great Learner
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    Update...

    I messaged her! thank you all for your advice, it really did help. <3

    Shes talked to me a little since our message. We caught up a little bit on what we are doing now since high school. The conversation did get a little stagnant though and at times she was giving me just a couple word replies, so I'm not really too sure yet how it's going. :/ I guess I will give it some time to see how it unfolds. I am just not good at making conversation and it seems like im the one that has to keep talking and shes mostly just replying. This is hard guys! :( 
     
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  7. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    It’s okay, just try not to be nervous❤️Even a message each day asking how her day went is nice. Keep in mind too that maybe this will work, maybe it won’t, but if it doesn’t it’s okay. It’s been a long time and you are having to get to know each other all over again because you’re kind of different people now. For any relationship, there needs to be chemistry on both sides, so if there’s none or it’s one sided, it won’t work. It’s okay though, that happens, even in friendships all the time. For now, just saw what happens and don’t get discouraged❤️
     
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  8. Bunni Sky
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    Bunni Sky Great Learner
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    Thank you StarlightPrincess, your words were MUCH needed right now. I don't handle rejection well, and I'm the type of person that gets discouraged quickly and thinks I'm bothering them. She hasn't replied at all today which has got me in quite a mood tbh, I'm very sad. I know I need to give her time, i'm just afraid I suppose of hearing something from her I don't want to hear. But you are right, sometimes it won't work and that's okay. I lived this long without her and I can still do so if it doesn't work out.
     
  9. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    I know, I get that way too<3 I'm really sensitive and sometimes even how people say things makes me feel bad, even though they don't intentionally mean to do that. I get discouraged too when someone just keeps me hanging on messages, but its possible she's just busy<3 I know some places are opening up faster than others so maybe she's working today.

    If you need anything, i'm always around<3
     
  10. Bunni Sky
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    Bunni Sky Great Learner
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    Update:

    Things have been strange. We caught up a bit and I told her fairly quickly (after maybe 2 days anyways of talking to her..) finally that i am non monogamous and all. She seemed to take it well, thought it was funny because this has "happened to her before" and still talked to me casually since. I'm still not sure what she means its happened to her, she is very vague sometimes about specifics on her life, so I dont poke at things and let her just tell me what she wants to tell me at the time.

    The day that I told her, we somehow ended up spiraling into a night of flirting. We both had been drinking a bit so I think we both got a little too excited. Since then, things have been awkward. She will go sometimes a day or two without talking to me. She told me it was because of school and work. Conversations have been random messages here and there, we seem to be missing each other a lot (ill reply when shes at work, she'll reply when im sleeping etc).

    I've moved over to talking about it more on polyamory.com because I know over here i dont get too much advice from people familiar with poly life. I get mixed advice on there. A lot of people told me that her silence means shes not interested and i should move on and try to find someone who is specifically poly too. Some people tell me that she might just need some time to process things and get to know me still.

    I'm just going with the flow right now -- confused, anxious, excited. Going slow and unsure but something is going.
     
    #10 Bunni Sky, Jun 18, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2020
  11. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    I don’t know if I’d say she’s uninterested. I know you guys were drunk one night, but people can be brutally honest when they are drunk, so it’s possible she still has feelings for you, but isn’t ready to explore that just yet OR feels a little intimidated by the fact that you do have a husband, even though “she’s done this before”. That comment to me too makes it seem like she’s not bothered by the situation all that much. If she was truly bothered, I feel like she’d say or just vanish and she hasn’t done either thing. It could be she truly has just been busy. This is a situation that requires time though, like I said, you guys are still getting to know each other again, things won’t happen fast. I think it’s okay where it is now.
     
  12. Bunni Sky
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    Bunni Sky Great Learner
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    It often feels like things are fizzling out. I try to make conversation but it doesn't really go anywhere, often she gives me one word responses. They are friendly but hard to work with. She doesn't often initiate the a conversation herself, so sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a wall.

    It's hard but I think you are right, it's going to be a long-game lol. I try not to get discouraged. The fact that she even replies to me does to me also make me think there is potential, even though I feel like i'm the one bothering her most of the time. She could just disappear or tell me to quit it.

    I have a friend's birthday party coming up on the weekend -- its guna be a house party with karaoke, maybe 10 or so people. I was thinking of inviting her, since I know she is also off on the weekends.

    Do you think it's too soon?

    I guess if I think about it, its only really been about a week of talking.

    I don't want to pressure her into anything or make her feel uncomfortable... the party would have my husband there however, since the birthday boy is a mutual friend -- though my husband is very good at doing his own thing at parties and leaving me be so she wouldn't have to interact with him really, she might see him and he might say hello, but he knows to give me space with her.

    Or maybe give it more time. idk if a house party is really "first meet" material, maybe something more private would be appropriate?

    xx
     
  13. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    Hm....Its hard to say. Is she a really social person or more shy? If she's shyer, then nah, I wouldn't invite her to the house party. I'd do something more one on one with her. Something one on one may be better anyways unless you think because things have been a little awkward, having other people around would help? Although too, is she gong to feel nervous about COVID because of the house party? Sorry, so many questions lol
     
  14. Kerry
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    Kerry Greenhorn
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    Hi Bunni Sky!

    Unfortunately, the fact that she replies to you and does it friendly does not prove that she's interested. She's just being friendly and polite. You haven't done anything inappropriate, why should she ignore you or tell you to stop messaging? But it's obvious that she has something private to think about. Maybe she's still in love with her previous gf and misses her. Did she tell you something about the previous relationship?

    I'm very sorry, the girl seems not interested. It's impossible to be attracted to someone and not to show it anyhow. Is she aware of your feelings towards her? If yes, then the light she gives is red. Don't listen to words, look at what she does. Or doesn't do.

    Hope is almost impossible to be killed, it returns again and again. If you feel that the girl is not interested, let her go, otherwise it's a short way to an addiction. I've experienced such a thing twice, it's very hard to handle.

    You may of course invite her to the party, that's not too fast. You may try to speak to her once again. I wish you luck!
     
  15. proudlyodd

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    I don’t know if this sounds blunt or not but I I promise I’m trying to help lol. I think you’re overthinking it. The best way to figure out where are you two stand is to reach out to her and tell her what’s on your mind. If you feel like you need to apologize for anything or talk out the misunderstanding that may have happened back then then do that. I personally would reach out. In the past I’ve ghosted a best friend because she offended me and years later I finally got the courage to reach out to her on Facebook and I apologized about what happened and me and her made up. What made me be OK to reach out to her even if she rejected me was that I got it off my chestPutting it out there is always better than letting it eat away at you
     
  16. Bunni Sky
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    Bunni Sky Great Learner
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    Kerry, I think you hit the nail right on the head. I did start thinking that she just doesnt seem interested. She reaches out with an occasional hello, but then i reply and she doesnt initiate any type of conversation. It makes me wonder why she even bothers. Little by little i think im starting to see that she may very well be just keeping a connection there as something to fall back on, but she might be actively pursuing someone else or not over previous feelings. She never talks about her previous relationships at all or any current ones -- she is incredibly vague about anything relating to relationships. I have been clear with her what my feelings are for her and she has largely been evasive. Maybe she just likes to be liked.

    I think I am ready to let go.

    Its hurting me little by little to keep trying to spark interest in someone who doesnt reciprocate it with the same energy. Even if she does have interest, she is not doing anything to show it. She could have done a little more by now.

    Proudlyodd, you have given me my last move here. I'm guna do it. I'm going to tell her just how i feel, try to clear things up. Her vagueness just irks me and I think that i am always going to wonder why this isnt working out if i let go without at least asking. ive done that in the past too, with the first girl i fell in love with. Now I have nightmares about her -- I just had one last night that really shook me, about just this theme ... feelings and words kept in the dark.

    I am prepared to let go. But at least i can say, without a doubt, that I tried. <3
     
  17. proudlyodd

    proudlyodd Greenhorn

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    I think that’s a wise decision. I know it’s hard watching someone that doesn’t want you the same way I’ve been there trust me it hurts right now. One of my biggest pet peeve‘s is when people are evasive or bypass things I say. At least now that you have got it out there it’s off your chest and even though it hurts to let go you can have no regrets that way and hopefully move on and heal. I wish you all the best take care
     

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