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Hi, extremely nervous, trans, closeted

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by John L., May 31, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. John L.

    John L. Greenhorn

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    Hi-

    I'm nervous even posting about this. This post represents the first time I've ever said anything anywhere about being transgender. It wasn't something I really admitted to myself until very recently. During the quarantine I started writing a novel (just because I've always wanted to and with the quarantine I've had a lot more time on my hands to do it) and one of the main characters is a transgender girl. The story isn't really about being transgender or gender dysphoria or anything like that but I noticed as I started to write this character more and more it became therapeutic in a way, then it took a dark turn when I realized it was becoming a sort of a wish-fulfillment role-playing for me. Especially because I feel like it is virtually impossible for this to ever be more than a fantasy.

    In my life beyond this, I would say I'm decently attractive as a male (if not very short, under 5'6"). Probably the greatest adversity for me reconciling the notion of being transgender is the fact that I've always been attracted to women. I'm currently living with my girlfriend of almost 5 years and in posing hypothetically questions to her in the past I know for certain she would reject me and severe all ties if I ever came out as being transgender (she isn't opposed to people being transgender but it's just not what she's attracted to and she doesn't like the idea of staying friends with someone after they've dated). I feel like this scenario more than anything is the main dilemma that stops me for taking any steps to come out, because I really love her and she is my best friend and the greatest stabilizing force in my life.

    My relationship notwithstanding I would be very anxious/afraid of how much time it would take to fully transition to the point of finding myself attractive again as the opposite gender, and not really knowing where to start with accomplishing all this. It all seems so daunting. But at the same time I am worried that if I ignore my feelings about this I will just be lying to myself and will grow more embittered and depressed with myself over time, and ultimately will feel like I made a huge mistake.

    From the perspective of the important people in my life, I'm sure my parents and siblings would understand, or at least it wouldn't bother them. I don't really have any close friends. Outside of work it's out of the ordinary if on any given day I speak to someone who isnt my girlfriend or a member of my family. My typical means of meeting new people is through running and racing - I'm passionate about distance running and have been since high school - but in spite of all the races I typically compete in I hardly ever really connect with anyone (I classify myself as an extroverted introvert, everyone seems to recognize me and i'm very outgoing but I'm not close friends with anyone). I have always wanted to immerse myself more in the LGBTQ+ community because I have felt a really inexplicable (now suddenly explicable) pull to it but the girls I have dated have always thought that was weird and discouraged it, and I have been pretty much continuously dating for the past almost 12 years. If I were to have a wedding I wouldn't know who to put as the groomsman apart from my brother because I am not close with enough people. I've told my current girlfriend I'm too embarrassed to get married because I don't have any friends to invite to one. I don't consider myself particularly shy or awkward I just only ever spend time with my girlfriend and we've moved around a lot, and now I struggle to find new people our age who actually want to go out and do things. Also my family is mostly spread out throughout the country with my parents living on the opposite coast.

    I am not sure what to do. Even though I don't know how to get there I felt like the remote possibility of pursuing my true gender identity represents hope and chance at a fresh start. Apart from the guilt of feeling that I strung my latest girlfriend along before I realized who I really was I wouldn't really feel any remorse at my life as a male ending, though I have received a surprising number of compliments (both male and female) regarding my genetilia - I had a phase when I would go streaking every so often with friends which mostly accounts for this. If I was to proceed with this though I would seek to ultimately get sexual reassignment surgery.

    Are there any thoughts on this? Any (kind) comments would be greatly, greatly appreciated. I'm sorry this is so long but again this is my first time ever voicing any of this and I just wanted to get it all out there.

    Thanks so much ♡
    -John
     
  2. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    Hi John<3 For one thing, you are incredibly brave for voicing all your feelings, I know it can feel really difficult to do, especially if this is your first time talking about this. Never worry about voicing anything to us, we are a very kind, compassionate, understanding and supportive bunch. Nothing at all is a surprise to us, and we want all of you guys to feel 100 percent comfortable here. I have a feeling you will make a lot of wonderful friends in a very short period of time here<3

    As for what you were saying, a big theme I was seeing in your message is acceptance, especially when it comes to your girlfriend. I know you were saying you are worried if you come out to your girlfriend and/or start the process of transitioning, you think she would not be happy with that and would leave you because in the past, she expressed she would not be attracted too you and also feels you can't be friends after a relationship. I absolutely get the worry behind that because yeah, that would be scary knowing that information. However, I do think its very possible she may surprise you (and maybe even herself). 5 years is a significant amount of time, every relationship goes through things so i'm sure you guys have been through a lot before, AND it sounds like you very much love and care about each other. Because its you that would be transitioning, not just someone random she met or someone who had already transitioned that she met, I feel like its possible it won't matter to her in terms of her feelings for you. It would still be YOU, the person she loved and fell in love with 5 years ago. I would just sit her down and be honest with her and also convey to her that you are afraid she may see you differently and that worries you because you love her so much and you don't want things to change between you. It may be very hard, but I DO think it's a conversation that needs to happen. Even though its scary doing it, think of what could happen if you don't?=( I don't know if you'd ever truly feel happy or comfortable and even if you hide it, those feelings will come out, they will be noticed. They may not come out in the best way either because repressed feelings have a knack for doing that. And you deserve to be happy, as everyone does. You deserve to live your best life and remember, you aren't living this life for anyone else or their benefit. Only you are living it. You need to do what makes you happy, even if it isn't always what makes other people happy. If people do truly love you, they will accept, support and stand with you. If you ever need anything, you can always message me<3

    Also, off topic, but since you are a new member, don't forget to read the rules and stuff over on this topic: https://lgbtchat.net/threads/forum-guidelines-terms-of-service.50856/#.XtRhrZ5KifU
     
  3. MusicGuy01

    MusicGuy01 Reliable Contributor
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    Hi John welcome have you changed your gender or are you just scared to tell your girlfriend that you want to be trans? I wish you good luck!
     
  4. John L.

    John L. Greenhorn

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    Thank you very much so far for the replies and the words of encouragement. I wasn't sure anyone was going to read what I posted or want to take the time to say anything back. It's been very difficult not feeling as though there is anyone I can talk to about this, even the people I am closest to.

    I have not expressed any of this to anyone apart from in this thread. My girlfriend is a great, accepting, supportive person but I know with 100% certainty she would want to end our relationship if I told her about this. Apart from the fact that she specifically told me she would when I posed it to her as a hypothetical I think she would also be afraid of the stigma of it with her very conservative style family.

    An additional major factor that I think is weighing on me is the fact that right now I still feel I am in the prime of my life. I would obviously want to permanently commit to my new identity but the thought of never getting to feel that way as my true identity really bothers me, if that makes any sense. I have really tried to rationalize with myself to see if there is any way I could maybe be happy in my life without going down this path, but I just don't foresee that. So many things that didn't make sense seem clearer now. When I try to envision what real happiness looks like for myself I picture an alternate version of me that is the version where I am living as my true identity and am accepted for that.

    Does anyone know of someone who maybe had similar circumstances and what happened?

    Thanks again for everything <3
    John
     
  5. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    I'm so sorry John=( Know that whatever you choose to share here is completely fine and nobody will judge you. Nothing will come as a surprise to us and we will always be supportive of you<3

    I know you've got a really tough situation and I can absolutely understand worrying a lot about your girlfriend's reaction from what's happened thus far=( I just hope, as we said, if it were truly happening, it would be different than hypothetical because it would be real life and she DOES love you and care so much for you. I hope she would show that even more by accepting you. I do think that it would be for the best for you to come out to her and anyone else in your life and start living your life the way you want to because again, only then will you be truly happy. You shouldn't have to give up your happiness and your right to a wonderful life just to make sure others are okay and happy. Its your life, you're the only one living it. And I hope you don't take this the wrong way either, but what if just in general, things eventually didn't work out with your girlfriend and you broke up anyway? She may not always be around, which isn't something you can control very much, but you can control your own self. If you ever do tell her, I would just be honest with her and say you love her more than you could ever put into words, her opinions and feelings matter so much to you and that's why you've been afraid to tell her because you've been afraid she may not want you anymore. You of course want to stay with her if you are able and who you are as a person isn't any different. You're still you, the same you you have always been, just a different gender.

    I unfortunately don't know someone who has gone through something similar, but i'm sure there are a few users here that have and can offer their support<3
     
  6. John L.

    John L. Greenhorn

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    Thanks again for your insights, they really mean so much.

    I have been taking this week to reflect. I have been trying to see if there might be any way I can possibly attain happiness without pulling a full 180. Some of the things I have asked myself are:
    -Could I be happy living as a feminine male?
    -Or could I be happy living as a male who occasionally takes forays into a female lifestyle?
    I don't think I would. They would an improvement but it would be like someone who is dying to go swimming so they put their feet in the water, but of course that's not enough - if anything that just makes them want to swim even more.

    It had been kind of alluded to that my current girlfriend may be the only thing presently tethering me to a masculine/male lifestyle. I think that is a fair assessment. I believe right now if I was single I would be in the early stages of transitioning, though I might go for a while time without really letting people just because I naturally lead a pretty reserved / solitary home life and tend to internalize many things (even big and important things such as this).

    A few things have occurred over the past week which may have strengthened my desires even more. I moved (back) to upstate NY a little less than two years ago, but I am already floating the idea of moving out to Seattle area where my parents and sister live. Having visited many times I am really in love with the city and how strong the LGBTQ+ community is there, and I additionally feel I would have access to more resources / support to pursue my goal lifestyle. I also this past week have been using digital face-mapping technology to give myself an idea of what I might look like after I were to fully transition. I showed it to my sister and girlfriend as just something I was messing around with for fun and was told by both of them that I looked really attractive as a female (my girlfriend especially is brutally honest and would absolutely have told me if she thought the result was ugly). I used the same technology with a few other people I know to see if maybe it just makes everyone look very attractive as the opposite gender - absolutely not the case. I will definitely have nightmares about a few of the demon spawn / mutant creations which resulted from my attempt at playing God.

    Ultimately, as difficult as it is, I don't think I really have a choice. I always told myself that I wasn't gay or bi etc but that if I was wouldn't feel the slightest need to conceal it; I would just embrace who I was and be proud of that. But now that I am actually faced with it I feel like a hypocrite. I have fear and anxiety, and I find the prospect really daunting. And at the same time it's becoming so much more real. I don't know how much more time I would allow to pass before I'm forced to finally confront it head on. I feels like this has been decades in the making but at the same time it's happening so fast. I never knew I could simultaneously feel so strongly and so conflicted about something.

    Thanks again, again, again for everything,
    John <3
     
  7. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Dedicative Advisor
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    I think its fantastic that your gf has a good reaction to the technology thing you were messing with, that's a very good sign! I know its really scary to think of fully transitioning and even before that, telling her and anyone else about it, but I DO think the sooner you can do it, the better. The longer you wait thinking about it, its going to become extremely difficult for you just from the stress and anxiety. Doing it would be ripping the bandaid off, you know? But I also understand you do have to be ready to tell them. Wanting to tell them and being truly ready for it are 2 different things.
     

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