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Heteroromantic Homosexual??

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by PrincessLeia, Jul 21, 2016.  |  Print Topic

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This thread is being watched by 14 users.
  1. PrincessLeia

    PrincessLeia Lurker

    Jul 21, 2016
    +6 / 0 / -1
    I'm an 18 year old girl and very confused lately.. :(  I currently am in my 4th relationship with a man, but like with the ones before it doesn't work out so well. I really like him, but I have a problem. I enjoy flirting and kissing men and am also attracted to their faces and personalities, but when it comes to sex I am very uncomfortable with it. I am not at all attracted to the male body parts, but find them repulsive.. during sex I always have to force myself to get active. When I imagine to have sex with girls on the contrary it feels very comfortable and nice. But then again I am not romantically attracted to girls. I am very confused and don't know what to do. Maybe I should try it with a girl, but I don't know how (I live in a very rural and conservative part of Germany and I don't know any openly gay girls).
    Am I a heteroromantic homosexuall? How do I deal with that? I really need help... :/
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  2. proudtobefruit

    proudtobefruit Youtuber
    Beloved Member

    Jun 15, 2016
    +49 / 0 / -0
    The past year I have been thinking that it's at least theoretically possible to be heteroromantic but homosexual, though I didn't know anybody like that nor knew research confirming it. So this post is interesting to me.

    Now to focus on you, I would like to say two things:

    1. Yes I think you should try a sexual relationship with a woman to see what develops. I believe it's possible that some people need a sexual bond before romantic attraction develops. Like inverted demisexuality. It might be that, In your case, this need only applies to women, explaining why you don't work like that towards men. But to find this out you can't think or discuss your way to an answer. So... what does someone in your situation do? Well I would personally not come out as anything before I knew myself. Do you have to come out in order to try? Could you stay under the radar until you have the facts yourself?

    2. Let's play with the thought that you are heteroromantic homosexual. Then that is an interesting situation. I think ONE way to handle that would be to build a relationship similar to the way some asexual+sexual couples builds theirs. The sexual one gets to satisfy their sexual needs elsewhere. Or the asexual agrees to sex to satisfy the sexual. Or the sexual gives up sex. I wouldn't recommend the latter since sexual health is important for our over all health.

    Of course all of what I've written is based on personal theories, but I hope that maybe I've helped a little sharing my thoughts on the matter. I would very much like to know how things go. What you find out and how you choose to handle it. Let me know! Please!
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  3. angel70

    angel70 The Old Guy
    Beloved Member

    Apr 9, 2016
    +2,248 / 0 / -14
    It's possible you feel no "romantic" attraction to girls because it's hard to imagine any of them being responsive, given the nature of your community. I think if a girl you liked gave you some encouragement, romance soon would follow.

    It's also possible that your "romantic" attraction to boys is more a function of your community's expectations for girls than any deep emotional attachment. Gays and lesbians are very capable of developing loving friendships with persons of the opposite sex, but I believe "romance" always has at least some sexual component.
  4. Kamil_4
    Anime Lover

    Kamil_4 Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Aug 15, 2015
    +87 / 0 / -2
    Well I like talking with girls and maybe even kissing them well I'd try even have sex with them I don't know just to try how it feels. But still I think I'm gay. :p 
  5. toughballerina

    toughballerina I celebrate myself, and I sing myself. -Whitman

    Jul 25, 2016
    +9 / 0 / -0
    Hi PrincessLeia :) 
    Thanks for sharing your story and experience. I went through a similar struggle while coming to terms with my bisexuality. I had always been in relationships with men, the sex was alright, but I loved the romance of it all, dreamed of my prefect wedding and home and kids with a man by my side. I gradually accepted that I was physically attracted to women as well, but could never have a GIRLFRIEND. I just couldn't see it. It took a long time for me to realize that it wasn't that I didn't have romantic feelings for women, it was just that society, family, religion etc had pounded into my head the idea that a woman didn't work within my romance. Once I snapped out of it, and realized that I'm the one who knows better than anyone who and what is going to make me happy, I was able to open my heart and fall for the most AMAZING woman.

    Something that really helped me was to see and understand that attraction/romance/sexuality is a spectrum. Every person falls on those spectrums in their own, wonderful, unique way. It's a lot more simple than we make it out to be. Trust your heart, don't get stuck on the labels, and have a lot of patience and compassion for yourself. You're young :)  you don't have to have it all figured out right now. There are people much, much older than you still figuring this out. You don't have to find your perfect partner this exact moment. Let yourself experience things, discover who you are, because you're beautiful!

    Know that whatever you are going through and feeling, whatever you decide, it's okay. Really. Much love! <3<3<3
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  6. Sportjeff
    Caffeine Fix

    Sportjeff Always Working Out

    Sep 5, 2016
    +3 / 0 / -0
    Hi Princess, Hetero-romantic and homo-sexual is actually a lot more common than you may think. If you google this, there are quite a few discussions going on.
    I am Hetero-romantic and homo-sexual and am happily married. My wife is aware that i am homosexual and not attracted to other women.

    I find that with romantic attraction i am able to have sex with my wife because i love her. It is sometimes difficult sustaining an erection and i must admit to sometimes fantasising that there is a guy with me but i don't tell her that!!

    When you fall in love with the right guy i believe that even though you may not be sexually attracted to him, love conquers all and you will be able to keep him happy. I hope i don't come across as to romantic a guy but then again maybe i am!!
  7. Nebulous

    Supporter Beloved Member

    Jun 27, 2016
    +179 / 0 / -7
    Maybe you should just be single for a while while you do some soul searching and figure out what you really want out of a partner.

    DAWN NEW GIRL ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Supporter Illuminate Beloved Member Techies

    Sep 28, 2015
    +1,944 / 1 / -25
    Hi sis
    You could gust be surpresing your ro_antic feelings for wo_an because you don't want to ad_ite it to your self

  9. Tranquility

    Tranquility Pretty Notable
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Aug 19, 2016
    +719 / 1 / -21
    I grew up in a rural and conservative part of the US. I know the feeling.

    Sooooooo you might be a unicorn hunter. A unicorn is a highly attractive bisexual woman who is literally very happy to remain in a polygynous relationship with an established couple containing a heterosexual man and bisexual or gay woman. If you are looking for such a person, then you are a unicorn hunter.

    The reason they are called unicorns is that, unless you are either very rich or very interesting, they don't exist. There is such a thing, but there are a lot more people looking for them than there are out in the wilderness.

    I would actually seriously consider an open relationship. It is much more practical because it does not actually require you to try to deal with a third partner, and you could have a different playmate every day of the week.

    I have a middle-aged friend who is in a relationship of this type with her husband. She seems to have a different playmate every week. She is literally the most libidinous person that I have ever known. Contrary to what some people might tell you, it works. It works for them because the husband is an adorable, geeky, open-minded person who literally loves everybody. He is like a Labrador retriever. He will actually snuggle with a gay guy like this adorable puppy, even though he is straight. I know this first hand.

    And if your man leaves you just for asking about the idea of an open relationship (which is the least stressful option in your situation), I can assure you that there is an overabundance of couples out there looking for a unicorn. There are plenty of married bisexual women looking for a short-term playmate. There are plenty of men who would be more than happy to have a girlfriend who gets around with other women. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You are young and probably cute, so live it up while you are young. You have very much liberty for being choosy, and you have plenty of room to experiment. You have time for trying everything if you really want to.

    And I advise getting out of the rural area. There is a nice couple in Leipzig just dying to meet you. I hear it is very pretty there.

    And you might just be a lesbian. They tend to be rich. It's great. If that is actually you, then that is something to celebrate. What I am going to tell you, as a fairly well-adjusted gay man, is that, if I could do my life over from conception however I wanted, I would be a lesbian, not a straight guy and certainly not a straight woman. Look, if you are lesbian, what I would do is find some cute college girl in Leipzig, get myself a good job, and start setting up a fat retirement.
    #9 Tranquility, Sep 6, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  10. Bell

    Bell Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Jul 27, 2016
    +140 / 1 / -0
    To me it sounds like you are actually hetero-romantic homosexual. As to how to deal with that there are many possibilities. Maybe even a trans male. They are male but if they haven't transitioned yet then they are still female in regards to sex and body parts. Not a great option but it's really what you think is best
  11. RoysBiggestFan

    +0 / 0 / -0
    This is so "me" that I could have written this myself.
    I too think (or should I say KNOW) that I'm Heteromantic homosexual.

    I'm ONLY romantically/aesthetically/platonically interested in guys. But I am NOT interested in the slightest, in male genetilia nor do I want anything to do with it. I don't want to look at it or touch it. Nothing. I've been like that as far as I could remember. Even when my age was in the single digits. What attracts me to men is their hair, face, legs, chest, nose, eyes, voices, nothing else.

    Now unfortunately I'm sexually attracted to women. I didn't choose to be like it, it just happened, ever since I was young. The thing is, I'm NOT romantically attracted to them at all. I have no interest in forming a romantic bond with them. I don't even want to kiss another woman, no holding hands. (No offence women) but I do find beauty in both genders.

    The frustrating part is that since I only like guys it's hard because my natural sexual desire doesn't align with it. I tried interacting with guys online but I felt like I was forcing myself and faking it. And whenever I saw (or see) a penis online, i feel like throwing up. I never understood why my female friends think of it so much. Anyway, I read another topic about a guy who was also Heteromantic homosexual. one thing he said stuck with me,

    "I'll never experience love and sex together" I think that's the best way to put it.
    Sorry if this was long (and a bit personal) I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.
  12. evanescence

    evanescence Greenhorn

    Apr 29, 2017
    +4 / 0 / -0
    You are still very young. I don't think many 18 year olds are comfortable with themselves, let alone sex! I know I wasn't at that age. Just give yourself time. Go out and have fun with people. I wouldn't worry about it too much just yet.
  13. AudryLeigh

    AudryLeigh Audry Leigh / tGirl
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

    May 13, 2016
    Oregon, USA
    +176 / 0 / -7
    Hi Princess,

    I am a transsexual woman who is exclusively attracted to women. I refer to myself as a trans-lesbian. However, I recently found myself having rather romantic feelings for a man I have known for some time and am very good friends with. He has a serious crush on me but knows I am a lesbian and accepts me as such. Just last week, at my favorite Karaoke bar, I danced with him (slow dance) and experienced very powerful feelings I had never experienced before. So I have some idea what you are talking about.

    However the advice I want to give you is generic and applies to pretty much everybody who is trying to figure themselves out. It is my firmly held opinion that, in matters of romance and sexual attraction, one must listen exclusively to their heart, and ignore their brain. For mellinnea, matters of love and romance have been strongly associated with the heart - not with the mind. Your brain (mind), has been so bombarded with what society thinks, with what your parents, church, friends think, what you see in movies and on TV, etc. You could think of your mind as having been brainwashed.

    It has recently been discovered that there are neurons (brain cells) all throughout your body, especially in your gut (hence the concept 'gut feeling'). Though your brain has been brainwashed and is all full of misconceptions, perceived expectations, etc., the neurons in your body are not connected to your sense organs (eyes, ears, etc.). Your body knows nothing of all this propaganda and so can only tell you the truth.

    So, in matters of the heart (love and affection, who you are and who you are attracted to, etc.), ignore completely what your mind tells you, and listen EXCLUSIVELY to your heart (your body). Butterflies in your stomach, warm fuzzy feelings, tinglies, goose bumps, all these things are your body talking to you - listen to it. It will never lead you astray.

    Hugs and kisses,
  14. BisexualBradley

    BisexualBradley Addictive Contributor
    Beloved Member

    May 4, 2017
    North Carolina
    +63 / 0 / -1
    I'm honestly not sure what to say. I've never dealt with this issue before.

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