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Help! Confused about orientation :(

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Arvee, Jun 10, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Arvee

    Arvee Greenhorn

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    I am a 25 year old man in a relationship with a woman, I love her and have enjoyed great intimacy with her. But now I’m worried I’m gay.

    Since I was young, I knew I was physically attracted to men. I don’t know how to describe it, but I just find all sorts of men very attractive. I can’t walk down the street without finding men attractive. I look at men, I feel attracted to them, I feel weak at the knees. These attractions are taking over my life. I just feel so uneasy that I am actually gay.

    This is because despite being attracted to men, my sexual fantasies are about women. Whenever I am thinking about sex, I think about having sex with women. I watch straight porn. I have tried to fantasise and think about gay sex, and the thought just makes me uncomfortable.

    It does not add up. I don’t understand, how can I find so many men attractive but then find sex with a man so off putting. How can I be so aroused by sex with women, when I don’t find women walking down the street attractive?

    Please help me.
     
  2. Kalem

    Kalem Lurker

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    I think the same way. I'm in question also. I can't picture gay sex. Man to man I don't get aroused also. I started realizing when I picture me as the female with another male than I get aroused. Hopefully that's the answer your looking for. Me I'm tryna find away out. I don't want these thoughts but it's there


    Sent from my REVVL 2 PLUS using Tapatalk
     
  3. BiBiLife
    No Mood

    BiBiLife Whatsername
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    It's pretty evident from your post that you are not gay. Because....
    • You're in love with and enjoy intimacy with a woman.
    • You enjoy only straight porn.
    • You have sexual fantasies about women.
    • You don't enjoy the thought of sex with men.
     
  4. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    There's a lot more bisexuality out there than a lot of people -- including some bisexuals -- might suspect. I think you're probably one of them. Most bisexuals have a preference for one sex over the other, and if your preference is for the opposite sex, bisexuality isn't all that much of an inconvenience

    Still, something is attracting you to those hot men you notice, and chances are there's a significant sexual component -- but one you find too discomforting to recognize because of your cultural conditioning. If you can have a satisfying sex life with women, though, there's no great loss. Just accept the idea that the attraction is there -- and that it's no big deal -- and you can just get on with living your everyday life.
     
  5. mike300

    mike300 Well-Known Contributor
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    u are not gay...pansexual maybe..the same happens with me..i am attracted to women bu iam fantasizing sex with men also...but not thinking of a face or a specific man, but from the waist and below...
     
  6. Arvee

    Arvee Greenhorn

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    Thank you so much for your reply. Thank you to other comments too.
    I have sought counselling from a trained psychotherapist today. I realise some important things now:
    I realised I have been subconsciously accepting homophobia. I was finding intimacy with a man repulsive as I was subconsciously feeling that it was wrong. I was telling myself that being gay was wrong, and so I managed to convince myself that intimacy with another man is repulsive.
    I am going to stop doing this. By accepting that gay intimacy is okay, I hope I will no longer feel so uncomfortable about finding men attractive. It's okay to find other men attractive and if that leads to intimacy then that's okay too.
    Another error on my part was that I assumed that being gay is enjoying anal or oral gay sex with a man. Once I got over my culturally imprinted repulsion, I also realised these actives are just things I would not enjoy doing regularly anyway. They are not in my sexual fantasies. The therapist told me that gay couples can enjoy intimacy in other ways. You don't have to enjoy 'gay sex' . Not all gay people enjoy gay sex.
    He told me that most people, especially LGBT people, are likely on a spectrum. I am not completely straight or completely gay.
    He told me my identity, and my orientation are mine only. They are for me to explore, understand and love. He also said my behaviour is in my control. I choose what I want to do. And he also told me to stop overthinking.

    So my plan now, I am going to give myself time. I want to be happy with my girlfriend. I love her and want to give our relationship a chance. I am happy with her sexually.

    I think I could say I am a gay man, who does not enjoy gay sex, who enjoys straight sex, and is in love with a woman. That's as far as I understand myself now.

    I'm going to meet gay men to just talk, no sexual topics. Let's see how that changes my opinions on gay people.

    Wish me luck. Thank you all again. Any further advice will be appreciated.
     
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  7. MechaFrankie
    Surrender

    MechaFrankie Well-Known Contributor
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    I agree with your therapist guy, Sexual identity is definitely a huge spectrum. I belive that if people were without stigma and learned behavior, every person alive has a place on the spectrum. Just be you!! ;) 
    --- Double Post Merged, Jun 12, 2019 ---
    Oh and gay people are just like you! :D 
     
  8. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    That is the best advice you can get.
     

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