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Trigger Warning! Going No contact with Narc Mother...AGAIN...

Discussion in 'Dealing with Narcissistic People' started by Thief King Bakura, Apr 22, 2020.  |  Print Topic

?

Should I permanently delete my Facebook and never look back?

  1. YESSS

    1 vote(s)
    100.0%
  2. no.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%

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  1. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura ✰Prince of Darkness✰
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    I feel like I should spill the tea on my mental state these past few days. I've been walking the fine line of not talking to my mother. I thought I could repair or gain some semblance of any sort of relationship with her. From this point, I had been talking to her for roughly from Dec to April (now) and in the past few days I made the painful decision to dump Messenger off of my phone which was how I was talking to her and my only way of contacting her.

    The long and the short of it is that it is so bloody painful to talk to her. She kept sending me passive/Aggressive things like "Why are you not talking to me?" or something similar along those lines. She would also try to guilt trip me. During the months I have had contact with her, I could feel an an inner war going on inside myself. The old programming of me being a doormat, scared, ect. vs how I am now: stubborn, more assertive, and more level headed, and trying to heal and move forward. Like, I know she has been trying to accept me with me being trans and stuff. But this rift extends deeper than that.

    I know that I've talked about this before but growing up I always felt like something was wrong. Yes, like I wasn't in the right body but also like something wasn't right with the relationship with my mother. I don't know how to explain it. I think I know why I had "attitude problems" as she so eloquently put it. It was a survival tactic, a tactic which helped me realize that something wasn't right as I mentioned before. I know children are sometimes defiant against their parents but this was different, it was like I was trying to fight an invisible monster. If she were here on this site, she'd be saying that I was lying and that I was the narcissist and an evil piece of shit and taking no responsibility for what she did to me.

    Don't get me wrong, I love my mother but I can't continue up this charade. The charade of chasing after a ghost or being tied to her emotional blackmail whipping post and continuing to be punished for being out here, in my own apartment, and living my life. I know this may sound cruel but she is responsible for being where she is now, collapsed in that care facility and alone. She can't blame me anymore for fucking up her life. She says she loves me and she probably does. Love doesn't constantly punish, it forgives and understands. At least in my world it does. I love my mother, I do. I can't allow myself to be her emotional whipping post bitch anymore! She used me! She made me almost die, almost killed my spirit with her betrayal, yet here I am daring to write about it because I feel like the more I talk about it, the more I acknowledge my pain and it makes it easier to live with.

    I am sure you're tired of hearing me talking about my narc mother and I completely understand. I am tired of talking about her too. I have a feeling that this is the final time I will be talking to her. I have been taking steps to distance myself from social media, namely Facebook since she's on there and it is too painful to be on there. Plus it is so fucking boring too. I made my fb because I wanted to TRY to reconnect with my mother and I did. I now can say for certain that she isn't going to change and she's still as collapsed as ever. I have had enough.

    There's been times these past few days where I wished I could talk to her about something. Then, I realized that she won't listen even if I do try to talk to her. This has been a constant pattern with me growing up. I still have my doubts and suspect she knew that her fuckface bf at the time violated me. I will probably never know that answer for sure so it's only speculation on my part. My point is, she made me bury my pain because it was never ok to talk about it. I was expected to be her therapist and emotional sounding board but when I needed her to be there and listen to something emotional, she never was. She grew up with an abusive mother as well so that carried onto her. While her abuse wasn't physical, it has left very deep wounds that have been trying to heal inside my soul for a long time. It's time I give myself that time and space to heal. I realized that I have family here that I can rely on and I can talk to. So that's what I'm doing, talking about it here where I feel like I can just let it out without any judgement.

    I am at a crossroads here. I'm sick and fucking tired of my mother treating me the way she does. Even though she calls me her son, she still hurts me with her words, and her inability to connect with me on that maternal level that I wish she would try to be. But I realize that she never was that. I thought she was but it was only an illusion. I'm no longer defending her, I'm no longer being her pack mule, her "therapist", her "parent" when she should have been my parent. I'm done, I'm fucking done, for good this time and I actually mean it this time. I didn't come to this easily. I guess it was inevitable at this point but I didn't want to see it. I tried, and I probably gave her too many fucking chances, more than anybody has probably given her. She used her friends, she sucked up their good will dry, and I'll be damned if she leaves me out to dry. This horse is taking himself and galloping far away from this monster. I'm sorry to call my own mother a monster but it's true. I can't be around such negativity anymore. Every interaction with her was painful, walking on egg shells, etc. I have had enough, for good this time.

    There, I had to get it out. This has been my mental state for the past few days now.
     
  2. john1010101
    Old Hag

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    I have only one question . Maybe ‘Narc’ is an American usage I haven’t come across yet or maybe I simply don’t understand modern English. What is a ‘Narc’ ?
    In Australia a Narc is someone who works undercover with the police to get people busted for drugs. Your mother doesn’t sound like one of those.
     
  3. Funk Pirate
    Horny

    Funk Pirate The poly, naughty bi-trans futa ^^ happy to chat
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    Its short for Narcissist john1010101 I think that in the USA the term they use is Narco for drugs police/dealers (there is a show called Narco's about a drug cartel I think?)

    Its a shame that things have ultimately not gone great with trying to connect with your mother Thief King Bakura and that she could not change her ways.

    I hope that in the end this has not put you back too much and that you can continue to get stronger.

    ~Fiona.
     
  4. Thief King Bakura
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    Thief King Bakura ✰Prince of Darkness✰
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    UPDATE 4-28-2020: I finally got the courage and got myself to log onto Facebook once last time.....to delete it. This was the message I got from my OH SO LOVING toxic mother. Don't read this message at face value, read between the lines....
    [​IMG]
    (Image and name blurred for privacy reasons)

    -=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

    While this message doesn't look harmless on the surface. What I told my therapist today is when I read this is that it doesn't seem like a nice message. In fact if you read between the lines like I have, you can gleam a more sinister message of passive-aggressive cruelty. While she seems like she cares about my well being, what I'm really reading is, "I only care about you to care about me and I don't actually give a fuck about you even though I'm saying I do. Also you're responsible for me being in a fucked up position right now and you're responsible for my happiness and I'm going to guilt trip your ass to hell so I can control you and manipulate you."

    I do admit some of this does sound over-dramatic. However, it seems to be the prevailing theme of our "relationship." I wanted to believe that we were getting back to some kind of compatibility (I don't know how else to word it) or decency. But there was always this seedy underbelly of guilt, manipulation, her blaming me for things, etc. I couldn't ever win, every conversation with her was like walking on eggshells. Couldn't talk about this, she wouldn't listen or validate my feelings, didn't want to get into arguments over the past. Also, like I mentioned in my opening post in this thread, I felt like I was slipping back into a piece of the person I was when I lived with her: that subservient, inferior person who didn't have any say on how their life went, had to put up with the betrayal, the lies, and the bullshit. Oh Ra, the bullshit that is too numerous to write about in this post but I'm sure you get the idea already.

    In conclusion, I made the difficult decision to cut my mother off once more. Even though I've done it before, it didn't make it easy. It's never easy. But at the same time it came down to being tired of being tired of being treated like shit and guilt-tripped and nothing I could do or say would ever make that woman happy. I have to be this perfect whatever the fuck and I just am not that. I'm not. I'm just not. I can't take it anymore. It isn't about revenge when I went no contact/deleted my facebook. It was about trying to take that first crucial step to try to get back to me again. When I was talking to her, I got lost in her shit and I lost track of myself for awhile. I can't do that anymore. I won't do that anymore.
    [​IMG]
     
  5. Thief King Bakura
    Badass

    Thief King Bakura ✰Prince of Darkness✰
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    Just a brief update to this thread cuz my ass is too lazy to make another one. Anyways, mother's day sucked as I mostly slept around and stuff. It was difficult but I (somehow) got through it. Just because I've gone no contact about 3 times with toxic narc mother, doesn't mean it doesn't get any easier. My mental health has been in the toilet because of all this shit. Of course the week I decide to go no contact, delete my facebook, etc is the week of Mother's Day because OF COURSE IT IS! I'm so fucking done with my mother, she's done nothing but use me and belittle me as I did my best to be the best fucking child I could be for her! Fuck her! I'm done with her shit! Needed to rant!
     

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