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Gay Friends and Straight Buds

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Mattyice, Sep 3, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Mattyice

    Mattyice Lurker

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    I'm a 27 y.o. male in NYC. I have only been out for the past 2 years. As such, I have been discovering my gay/sexual identity later in life. I have been doing okay as far as living my life and such. All my friends and family whom I came out to have been extremely supportive. Recently I began noticing that I am physically attracted to some of my straight male friends. I haven't really known what to do with this finding, but I have been sharing it with some of my close buddies. The other week, amidst several drinks, I told one of my straight guy friends that I was attracted to him. He's amazing and was totally fine with it, and just encouraged me to feel what I feel. Since then, I have become increasingly upset and frusturated by these feelings that are coming up and with the fact that I admitted this to my friend this in the first place. I feel guilty, like I shouldn't be attracted to friends/straight dudes. I also feel confused, as in what does that mean for our friendships? Can I still be friends with them? I want to be able to be open with my friends, just like when I came out. But I'm scared of freaking people out and losing these very important relationships in my life. Any advice and/or words of wisdom is greatly appreciated!!!!
     
  2. Being.
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    Being. Hello
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    I think it's natural to feel attraction to straight men, especislly if they mean a lot to you. But you might be misplacing feelings of admiration for love
     
  3. Roger
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    Roger Curious Explorer
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    When you see someone on the street and you say - "Man, that guy is good looking. I would sure love a piece of that..." - You don't know for sure if the guy is gay or straight? Well, in some cases you can probably make a wild assumption, but for the most cases you can't. I have been in that predicament before. I was attracted to my friends, but the only difference is that I didn't say anything because of course I wasn't "Out" and that would've been an awkward way to come out. Anyways.

    In your situation, he said that he was fine with it - and he understood it. That tells me "who a true friend is and who a true friend isn't" - If you have friends that know where you are coming from and know that you have the attractions that you have - for the most part - "real friends" are going to understand the attraction and probably even be flattered (in some cases).

    As far as friends or not friends because of the attractions. I would say that you have to understand for yourself what you want with this person. Is it a friendship that you've had for a long time? Then I would say don't let the attraction be a cause for losing the friend. I think if it's the friend that understands what you're feeling then just talk about it.

    Like I said - If friends are really good friends - they're going to understand what you're going through and still want to be friends with you. I don't think that being gay and being attracted to someone disqualifies your relationship.

    It's just like in a "straight situation" - if you were attracted to women, and you had a girl that was your good friend. She was there for you through thick and thin and you put it out there that you were attracted to her, and she kindly said "No" - does that mean that you can't be friends anymore? So, straight, gay, whatever - you're going to be attracted to close friends. In some cases, you may lose them (maybe because they weren't that good of friends) and in other cases it's not going to hinder the friendship completely - it might be a little rough at first, but you get through it.

    And I noticed that your friend said that he encouraged you to feel what you feel. Hmmm? I wonder what that meant?
     
  4. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    It's always a bit of an ego boost to learn that somebody finds you attractive, even when the sentiment is one-sided. Presumably, you did it in a way that showed you didn't expect your friend to feel the same way about you, so it didn't make him feel uncomfortable.

    It's also understandable that you might feel attracted to friends you know well and trust, especially since you've only recently come to accept yourself as gay. Falling for someone who might return your affections really would put you in brand new territory -- and maybe you're not quite yet ready for that. Still, it would be good if you could start meeting some guys who might have more potential as lovers.
     
  5. Mattyice

    Mattyice Lurker

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    Thanks for the responses so far! They're nice to hear. I just wanted to clarify that I am pursuing dates and such on various apps, with some success. My attractions to my straight guy friends is nothing more than skin deep. I love them, but I know that there will never be anything like that between us, and I don't fantasize that there would be. I definitely check out guys I see, straight and gay, just like any gay man.
    I think what worries me about my situation is the guilt of feeling these feelings for good friends of mine. I haven't been able to convince myself that it's ok and natural to have these feelings, and that the 'friend-love' I feel for these guys would naturally translate to 'I think they're cute love,' as I come to get into my newly discovered sexuality more and more. I dont' want to freak anyone out, but I wish that I was comfortable being open with these feelings, just as I got comfortable coming out.
     

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