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Forgive or not to forgive a straight friend?

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Songar, Apr 24, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Songar

    Songar Lurker

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    Time ago I had a friend. We knew each other for a long time, almost 12 years. He was like a brother to me, more than a friend. We did everything together, went to school together, studied together, our parents were friends too. All this time I was in the closet but then I met this guy and everything got serious between us and that was when I decided I wanted to finally come out.

    My friend was the first person I came out to and honestly, I was sure that he will be the one who'll support me the most. However, he proved himself to be a total homophobe instead. He disowned me completely, he hit me, he spat in my face and he said to me worst things you can imagine and basically, our friendship ended that very day. It was a shock to me because I expected hatred from pretty much anyone but him.

    Now 5 years are past. We haven't seen each other or talked to each other since that day. Yesterday I received a Facebook message from him, it came as a huge surprise for me. He writes that he's sorry, that he was wrong, that he regrets everything he did to me, that he only reacted that way because he was taught that gay is bad and dangerous but now he realizes it's not like that. Basically, he wants to see me and to see if we can repair our friendship.

    I don't know what should I do now. I honestly don't know what took him so long to come around. I don't usually hold a grudge but the way he treated me was something I'll never forget. I trusted him completely and the things he said to me was like a knife in my back. I'm not sure if we could ever be friends again. What should I answer him and should I answer at all? What would you do in my place?

    P.S. Maybe my English is not that good, it's not my first language.
     
  2. Being.
    No Mood

    Being. Hello
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    Hey, your English is fine, don't worry.

    I'm sorry that happened to you!
    I dealt with some stuff when I came out but nothing like that, *hugs*

    I don't know if you should forgive or not, I mean, holding on to it won't help anyone, but at the same time I don't think you'll ever feel truly comfortable being around him again

    Maybe just be like "thank you for apologising, but you deeply hurt me, you physically attacked me, I accept your apology but I'm moving on" ?

    That's the best I can think of right now
     
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  3. Barefoot
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    Barefoot Casual Observer
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    I would try to be friends again. People do change, and when someone has something drilled into them, by parents from a young age for example, they solidly believe it. It becomes part of who they are. But after being exposed to new people and knowledge, and seeing and understanding facts, they change their thinking; they realize what they thought they knew as fact, was not. I know in my own life I have changed my views many times, as I became more knowledgeable about things. I think your former friend has had such an experience. Therefore he has changed and can be the friend he once was. I think he was a victim of what he was taught and is worthy of another chance. I would give him one. I know it is not easy but I think it is worth it.
     
  4. DinoMom
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    Ultimately it's up to you and you have to determine how serious your friend is.

    But he has made himself vulnerable in extending this olive branch to you, and with your past friendship, I think you owe it to him and yourself at the very least to make a go of it.
     
  5. lincoln

    lincoln Greenhorn
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    I am someone who holds a grudge. So if this was my case, there wouldn't be anything on earth that he can do to make amends. But of course, it's not my friend, it's your friend. So you are the one to make the call. And I can only suggest you to do whatever makes you feel good. If you're thinking that you can never forget the moment he spat onto your face and cursed at you, I don't really think this thing would work.
     
  6. xX Sky Xx

    xX Sky Xx Guest
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    I think you should at least give him a chance to prove that he's sorry about what he said and did. He said he wanted to meet you somewhere, right? Accept his offer and try to repair the friendship. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, but at least then you will have tried.
     
  7. AliceR
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    AliceR Reliable Advisor
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    Your story is both heartbreaking and beautiful.
    It's horrible the way he treated you, but his regret shows there is hope. Hope for change and hope that the haters will grow and see how wrong they are.

    It is up to you whether you want to forgive him or not. Only you know if you want to get past what he did and move on.

    The fact that he apologized is a good thing, though. That alone can give you peace. People can be horrible, but true repent can soothe our wounds.

    I hope that his taking the first step and his apologizing can help you heal.
     
  8. liamthomas891
    Fine

    liamthomas891 Hivesark
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    Forgiveness is hard to earn. You should give him a chance, and maybe you can repair what once was. I'm really sorry about what happened, truly, but if there's a chance to remove that hatred from your life, take it.
     
  9. Thebadgay

    Thebadgay TheBad(Marshmallow)Gay

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    Given I’m still a teen, I don’t have much life experience. However I do know that if was truly still homophobic he wouldn’t have contacted you. You know what they say YOLO *hurls in a conveniently placed bucket. In any case I say go for it, but keep your guard up
     
  10. Gay guy
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    Gay guy 20 and Proud to be Gay
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    I don’t know about forgiveness this is a tricky one. But the fact that he’s got in touch after all these years surely suggests you’ve been on his mind recently and he genuinely feels bad
     
  11. fake username
    Suicidal

    fake username Hot Cookie
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    This is just my opinion and by all means if you don't like it then don't take anything from it. I know that you wrote this post a while ago and in that time things could have gone for the better or worse but here it is anyway.

    I think you should give him a chance. If he grew up with people telling you its wrong then its not his fault, but those who taught him that. The fact that even after all the time that has passed, he still wants to be friends may be a good sign. He has kept you in his thoughts after all that time. He still cares enough to reach out and try to repair things could mean that his is being sincere and does really care about you.

    Again I don't know if things are done and over with or if any of this is helpful,but if it doesn't feel right then don't pay me any attention. I also know you haven't been on recently so you could not sign on again or gotten your answers and don't need this site anymore, but good luck.

    Update soon.
     

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