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forever questioning

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by howleth, Jul 11, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. howleth

    howleth Lurker

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    hello, i apologize if this comes off as a bit vent-y or TMI, but i’ve been struggling for years over this and keep overthinking and second guessing everything.

    i am a 20 year old girl but have been questioning my sexuality since middle school. i currently ID as bi, but to be honest i have never really felt any attraction to anyone and just feel like gender wouldn’t really matter to me if i really did like someone.

    problem is, i don’t feel any sexual desire or drive or whatever. i don’t get it at all. the intense physical attraction or crushes or anything people describe is lost on me. i feel repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man, and feel like i could get through it with a woman, but i still don’t get the whole “attraction” feeling.

    i’m not put off by romantic relationships, but i can’t tell who i’m attracted to in that regard either. i’ve only ever dated one person - a man - but we never even kissed, held hands, or anything because i never wanted to. i don’t feel physically attracted to men, or have a desire to kiss or be close or anything with them and get intense anxiety and aggravation when they express interest in me.

    honestly, the only physical or romantic desire i have is to kiss or go on a date with another woman to see if it feels right. i apologize if that sounds patronizing, but it’s the truth. it’s this lack of a motivation to be with men that caused me all this strife in the first place. but i don’t have a strong desire towards any women i know. i have some female friends who are long distance that i have had strong feelings towards (not really sexual, per se) but i’m not sure if i’d consider it attraction or just a desire for stronger friendship with them. i had similar feelings toward the one guy i dated, but still could not stand being physical with him. i feel i would be OK being physical with a woman, though, and sometimes WANT that, albeit not super strongly.

    again, i apologize if that read more like a vent. i’m tired of feeling broken or incapable of love or something. i keep trying to force attraction on people, looking at friends or strangers and actively think about it, but it feels fake or unnatural. i’ve been unsure of my orientation since i was a young teenager, and am still just so frustrated with not being sure even as an adult.
     
  2. Guarani
    Happy

    Guarani Reliable Contributor
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    You sound like the typical asexual too me. Nothing wrong with that. I know some will label you as grey- or demi sexual or what not, but the point is, not everybody has sexdrive, or feels lust and desire in the same amount or way. It is a personal thing. It is hard to date with people who don´t understand what asexuality is about so you probably have to do a lot of explaining, but there is a way to find a nice partner who understands.

    As for your frustration about not being sure, it looks to me that you are quite sure about what you like and don´t like, hence you have yur sexuality pretty figured out, you just haven´t fitted in a label yet, but I would look under the ones I mentioned if you want one.
     
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    #2 Guarani, Jul 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019
  3. BiBiLife
    Musical

    BiBiLife Whatsername
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    I agree with Guarani , you are probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum. It sounds like you would be homoromantic, but you should do your own research into the terms to determine what is the best fit for you. Or you don't have to label yourself at all. I view labels as a shorthand way of describing yourself conveniently to others. But people are more complex than that.
     
  4. Pixie Poodle
    Wishful

    Pixie Poodle Pixie
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    Hello Howleth,

    According to my father, if you are twenty years old, you are still 10 years away from the mold finishing its setup process, much less the rough edges and polishing that comes afterwards.
    I know advertising works really hard trying to get us to think about sex and desire all the time but once you realize their job depends on it it is easier to ignore.
    For me, I decided it was more important to find out if I really liked cashews or not than to prefer kissing a girl or a boy.
    It is a little sad but I find it easier to know who I dislike instead. That has rarely been a gender issue, just a character one.
    As far as the 'attraction' thing and 'getting it', thank god there isn't a time limit on it.

    Pixie
     
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  5. Kai Something

    Kai Something Greenhorn
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    Hello Howleth.

    You know, what you said about having no sexual desire sounds a lot like me. I'm 24 and still struggling with lots of things, but I've come to a point where I'm mostly okay with at least that. I consider myself asexual and if asked, I’ll explain just that: "I've never felt sexual attraction towards anyone."
    The only point where we differ is that I feel like maybe one day I’d appreciate a romantic relationship, but then I don’t know if I’m interested in men or women (I like to think that I’m just interested in people) and either way it’ll probably be complicated if I want to keep sex out of the equation. Also, I like physical contact, but only with people I know and am close to (sorry if my wording is strange, English is not my first language). My friends and family can confirm: I love hugs. But I hate it when strangers or people I don’t know well touch me (even just a hand on the shoulder make me want to hit the person and run away).
    But that’s just me and it’s totally okay for you to not like it at all. Everyone’s different and that’s a good thing when you think about it (else the world would be boring).

    See, it's not just you and it's okay to be frustrated (I often am). But you have the right to take the time you need to discover who you are. The fact that you’re an adult doesn’t mean that you have to know everything, not even about yourself (I hope, because if I’m wrong, then I have a very big problem). You’re not “broken”, just not exactly inside what’s considered as the norm.

    Right now I tell myself to wait, take the time I need to figure myself out, and not force anything.
    If one day I get to a place (mentally) where I want to try a relationship, then I’ll try. If I don’t then I don’t. For now at least, I need it to be that simple.

    That’s my way of doing things, I know it’s probably different for you. Test if you want to test and try if you want to try. Whatever happens, be careful and stay safe.

    You can talk to me whenever you want if you feel like you need to talk to someone who’s asking themselves similar questions. It may not be exactly the same and I’m still quite lost but, well, maybe it’s better than nothing.
     

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