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Feeling like a fraud...

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by char00, May 15, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. char00

    char00 Lurker

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    Hi everyone,
    As the title says, not even sure what im doing here...

    I'm a 20 year old woman, and have been in a relationship with my male partner since we were teens. We're pretty serious, and there's talk of marriage, the usual heteronormativity stuff.

    Lately, well thats a lie actually since forever, i've really been struggling with my sexuality, i think? When i was younger i'd had sexual experiences with girls, only really kissing and fumbling etc although it was never spoken about even with them. My partner is about the only man I find attractive, while i'm out with all my friends they're all looking at men and talking etc and honestly it just feels like a total turn off for me i could literally think of nothing worse than going home with one of them, i just find women amazing, not sure how else to put it.

    Its not something i've really ever questioned and its not until theres now talk of marriage i feel kind of trapped? Theres no doubt I love him and want to be with him, but I also feel theres this whole other side to me that i'm keeping secret and have never really explored. Its actually really getting me down quite a lot, i can't act or explore this as it'd be cheating and i don't want to break up with him and loose him forever.

    Feeling lost and confused and not sure what to do, any advice?
     
  2. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Do you genuinely enjoy sex with your boyfriend? If it's less than great now, it won't get any better once you're married -- so if you already find yourself fantasizing about women while you're having sex with him, marriage probably is a bad idea. Marriages aren't very fulfilling when one of the partners feels like she's been "robbed" of her chance to find real happiness.

    This isn't to say you couldn't make a go of it -- plenty of marriages lose their sexual charm not long after the honeymoon is over, but if the couple is otherwise compatible and share similar life goals, they often can stick it out at least until their youngest kid goes away to college.
     
    #2 angel70, May 15, 2018
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  3. AliceR
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    AliceR Reliable Advisor
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    What strikes me in your post is how you say you've been with your boyfriend since you were teens and you are now only 20 years old.
    Life is really long, especially the kind of life where you don't get to be yourself around the person you're married to.

    Maybe you should at least discuss your orientation with him?
    Even if you don't intend to experiment.
    If you don't tell him who you really are, there will come a point when the secret will smother you. The older you get, the harder it will be.
    Telling him would also help you know if he loves you as you are, the real you, or if he would only accept the "straight version of" you. That's extremely important. Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. If he is the kind of man who doesn't accept LGBT people, his views will make you bitter someday.
    You won't feel like he loves the real you.
    So that would be the minimum before getting married: To make sure he loves you even after you reveal to him that you are queer.

    We do not owe it to anyone to get married to them. If marriage feels like an obligation to you, it might be an issue.
    You are still young. You have time. There is no rush.

    As far as other men are concerned, your lack of attraction doesn't necessarily mean anything.
    I rarely feel attracted to men to the point where I would gush over them.
    In many situations, I see women commenting on men, and I'm just sitting there wondering what the big deal is about.
    You might feel that way because you're already with somebody and you don't feel the need or desire to look at other men. That difference is even bigger if your friends are single and you're taken. Or if you're queer and they are straight. Even as a bisexual, I can tell the difference between me and other women. Though I love men, I don't swoon over them the way some women do. It might just be me and not a bi thing though.
    But if I meet a woman I truly admire, I will blush and get giggly, which seems to deeply amuse my husband. =p

    Marriage is a big commitment, especially that young, and especially to someone who doesn't know you're queer.

    I hope this helped. Only you know what is right for you. Being bi doesn't prevent you from having a happy marriage.
     
    #3 AliceR, May 16, 2018
    Last edited: May 16, 2018
  4. TwoBiFour
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    TwoBiFour Great Learner
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    I also want to add that basing you relationship, or marriage on sex is a bad Idea. I married my wife because of who she is, and she supports me in everything I do and visa-versa. Her being great in bed has nothing to do with why I love her.

    Also, if you will feel "trapped" if you marry him, then getting married would be a bad choice. You can only be trapped if you allow yourself to be trapped. I too would suggest you talk to him about this. If he responds a bit negatively, give him time and space to think about it. Sometimes the first reaction is a "knee-jerk" reaction and not a thought out response.

    My wife and I are both bi, and we have survived 32 years together, 28 of them as husband and wife. Communicate - communicate - communicate.
     
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  5. AliceR
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    AliceR Reliable Advisor
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    I agree. When I married my husband, I didn't even think twice about it. It never felt like a trap.
    It doesn't even feel like we are married in that it didn't change our relationship at all.
    Marriage just made it official so we had legal rights over each other, but otherwise it has been feeling the same as before our marriage.
    I see many jokes going around on TV ect about marriage being hell or marriage killing people's sex lives, and I never understand the jokes. Maybe I just got lucky.
     
  6. Dandy-Lion

    Dandy-Lion Greenhorn

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    I married my husband when I was 19. We had been together for three years. This was five years ago.

    I didn't tell him I was bi until almost fours years into our marriage and I regret leaving it so late. He has been so supportive.

    I love him and I never felt trapped, but I do wish that I could have been true and honest with myself before we got married and had our two beautiful children .Life is about them now, and I have to stay in the closet with my family and friends because no one would understand my reasoning for me coming out.

    I wish you all the best .it's confusing, it's difficult. But communication is the key x
     
  7. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Reliable Contributor
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    As others have said, be upfront with him now. It could mess things up a lot if you tell him after marriage (worse still after kids). I told my bf (later husband) early on about my sexuality and that it was something I had to have in my life. He was nothing but supportive and has been since, as I’ve consistently explored that part of my sexuality. I really hope it works out for you like it has for me!
     

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