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Feeling bi but in a straight relation

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by Tartar, May 17, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Tartar

    Tartar Lurker

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    hi there,

    I recently discovered that I am not only into men, but women as well. I would like to really explore my sexuality but right now I am in a very happy realtionship with a man. I don’t want to quit this relationship because we are truly in love, but this also makes it tough for me to discover my feelings for women. I have talked to my partner about this but we both are lost as to what we should do right now. Anyone has advice?
     
  2. Reiichiru
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    Reiichiru Nico!
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    Hi Tarter!
    That's actually the same as me, and a few others here. With patience, open mindedness and love it works out great and will probably actually bring you two closer ^^

    I denied being bi until I was 8 months in with my bf. He's been really helpful with helping me understand what I like - though he's fallen into some traps occasionally too. (assuming Threesomes or assuming I'm only curious)

    Reassurance that you love him is crucial. I defo worry my bf thought I was going to become a lesbian for a bit - but men are mega hot too so that's definitely not me :D 
    Talk to him about how far you want to go. He might need 3-9 months to process that maybe a threesome or an open relationship is on the table.

    Also, for me, I had to discuss if its fair for me to see a girl but he can't.

    Send me a direct message if you like!
     
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  3. Larry45
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    Larry45 Amateur bisexual
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    I’m in a similar situation except I’m a man. I’m completely in the closet though. I think it’s harder for men. That’s my opinion anyway. At least your partner knows, that should help
     
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  4. Guarani
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    It´s no different from wanting to seek out other men while you are in a relationship.
    Either you end what you have to start dating again to find a new catch, or you include your current partner in your plans and see if there is room for an open relationship or a third party.

    Maybe you could pick a conversation up about it again when you actually fancy a particular woman?

    Can I ask why do you feel you have or want to explore that side of you now, while you are in a relationship?
    I´m trying to understand. I mean if one is gay and in a straight relationship, one is in the wrong kind of relationship, so ofcourse one would find a more compatible partner.
    But that is not the case if you are bi.

    It sort of seems to tune in to the fact that people think that bi sexuals are greedy and can´t be faithful. I always defend bi sexuals fiercely, but it seems there is truth in it then.
    Ofcourse it has nothing to do with being faithful if the partner is into it, but do you have to have both a man and a woman or women in the same period of your life, just because you discovered you are bi?

    Mind you, one can love who they want and go to bed with who they seek out, I am not judging, just wondering.
    It is part of your identity. It doesn´t go away if you don´t use it straigth away.

    I hope other people can help you better. I´m just confused by the fact that you say you are happy in your relationship and still seem to feel the need to include other people just for sex just because you discovered you could fall for women too. I don´t know what that is like, so maybe I should not even be here to say anything about it. But I am hoping you can give some clarity about it.
    I have had sex with others when I was in an open relationship, but it wasn´t like: I am in an open relationship, so let´s find some random people to have sex with. No, I would fancy someone from time to time and knew it was okay if I would sex with him because of the agreements I had with my partner.
    And I think that is sort of my advice to you too. See if you can get agreements. And then just wait and see?
     
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  5. Tartar

    Tartar Lurker

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    Guarani hi!

    It’s not because I am greedy and want multiple people at the same time. I do understand your questions. I have always been someone to immediately act out my thoughts or handle my ideas so when I felt like this I also kind of felt the ‘need’ to ‘confirm’ that I am bisexual. Right now I am kind of struggling with that part of my personality, because I have a boyfriend that I love and I don’t have had the intention of quiting the relationship right now.

    I feel like I am in a confused state right now because of all this. I don’t have a specific woman that I fancy at the moment and I am not just out here for sex. I want to learn about myself and seek experience and advice for when I feel like it is the time that I have found a woman or when I do want to have an open relationship or threesome.

    I feel also a little bit pressured, another reason for my message. I do have some bisexual friends but they each told me that they believe that you would have to have experience with both genders in order to confirm your sexuality....

    And again, no offense taken! I understand where you’re coming from and why you have these questions for me. I hope that you might understand the situation a bit better now and if you have any other advice or ideas about it then please let me know. :) 
     
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  6. Guarani
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    Thank you so much for all this extra info and it does give a better picture.
    There is no problem with experimenting with anything, but when there is a partner involved, there are a lot of feelings involved from both the partner and you that you wouldn´t have to deal with when you were on your own. And there is a third party too!
    There are times when you can wonder if you should put your needs first if the needs are just wants, if you get my drift. I think your bi friends might cause pressure that you shouldn´t experience.
    It´s not food you are trying out to see if you like it. You are actually involving another person in your experience as well. Someone who might fall in love with you. Someone who might break your heart. Someone who might pass you a std. Someone who might become a stalker or a nuisance in some other way. It´s not always without risks or strings attached even if we want that.
    Are these bi friends girls that want to iniciate you or something? Why would they be so keen on having you acting on it? Because their reason is BS!

    One does not need to experience to figure out or confirm ones sexuality. Virgins still know who they would fall for. All you have to do is notice who or what you fantasize about when you are masturbating or see someone attractive.
    And also, you are the one that labels yourself. Nobody else has any buisness in that. You don´t need to prove it or show it. It´s actually a very private thing. One can be proud and out, but what happens between partners, is between partners.
    So if you want to call yourself bi sexual, even if you aren´t completely sure, you can call yourself bi sexual.
    You could also call yourself bi curious.
     
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  7. Reiichiru
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    I don't believe you have to sleep with another person. You definitely shouldn't cheat either. And I disagree that you have to sleep with a girl to be bi. I'm in the, "if you want to do it and girls turn you on, then you're bi." camp.

    But I do kind of believe that you only have one life and to spend all of it without ever, even once, smooching a girl when it's something you want would leave me with a big regret.
     
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  8. Tartar

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    Thank you for your replies!

    I will have a good conversation about this whole situation with my boyfriend but I do want to thank you for the advice. I think I will just accept the fact that I am bicurious and even so bisexual. And when the need to experience comes along, I will give into it.
     
  9. Larry45
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    Larry45 Amateur bisexual
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    Good luck
     
  10. Freaky.Fiona

    Freaky.Fiona Dedicative Advisor
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    I agree with the sentiment above. Definitely speak with him, it'll get worse if you don't. Thankfully I already knew I was bi when I met my eventual husband and I came out to him early on in our relationship. He's always been very accepting and encouraging of me pursuing my sexuality, as he's understood it is part of who I am. Feel free to message me anytime if you like. :) 
     
  11. mike300

    mike300 Dedicative Advisor
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    well, we cant have it all!! since ,u are in a very happy relationship(as u say) with a man and u love him, why u are seeking for more risking your hapiness? i could understand u if u were in a misery in your relationship, but now, i cant understand..are u searching for pleasure? or something deeper? i dont know, i think u have to put priorities
     
    #11 mike300, May 17, 2019
    Last edited: May 17, 2019
  12. Heavenlywineroses

    Heavenlywineroses Greenhorn

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    I could have written this myself argh! I'm in my late 20s and have known since my late teens I was bi but in my case I met my boyfriend soon after and have been with him and ONLY him ever since. He is wonderful and I am super happy but I'm still conflicted because I never got experience that part of myself. I have brought it up with him before and he wasn't exactly encouraging OR understanding so I have left it and just accepted that it may be out of reach. It doesn't stop the desire though :(  I have a lot to say on this and I can see you've already had great responses so far. I'm new to this site but if I can figure out how to send a DM to chat with you further I will - only reply if you're comfortable to obvi :) 
     
  13. Jessica-Snow
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    Jessica-Snow 1991 | Bisexual | BBW
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    Do a bit of research (TOGETHER) on polyamory. This is a romantic lifestyle that involves usually three (or more) people, but there are different kinds, but ALWAYS needs to be permitted by all parties... dating anyone purely in secret without another partner knowing IS cheating... so just get the OK to try it out and you're golden. It is not cheating if all partners are okay with it.

    My specific poly lifestyle goes like this:

    Me and Boyfriend
    Me and Girlfriend

    SOME relationships go like this:

    Boyfriend + Girlfriend + Girlfriend (add on as desired)

    So... if I'm not rambling... basically... if I were to have a girlfriend, she would be dating JUST me and not my boyfriend. There are polyamorous people and there are polyamorous relationships.

    With that out of the way...

    Sit down with him... have a talk... and flat out ask him permission to try having a girlfriend. Explain to him that you love him immensely and only want to know more about your own identity.

    ... Or, I mean if all parties are okay with it, you could suggest a threesome, I guess... I know that's sorta frowned upon in the suggestion department, but hey... everyone has their own differences in self discovery. Sometimes an organized "group activity" will help. Never know. Good luck!
     
    #13 Jessica-Snow, May 25, 2019
    Last edited: May 25, 2019
  14. PAN-da
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    I'm glad you've discovered your sexuality, here's what i think: you should continue to date your boyfriend, who knows, maybe you two will break up one day (lets hope not) and you can explore your feelings for women,
    someone i know, has known she's bi for a very long time, She has never attempted to hide it. She's very proud of who she is, which has always made me happy,
    if you think you really want to go out with girls, you should, but if your happy with your boyfriend, stay with him
     

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