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Bisexual Exploring

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by Zenith, Jul 18, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Hi everyone. I am struggling and would love advice . I have come to the terms over the last 5 years that I am bi but I am still very closeted due to conflicts of faith and being married ( to a man). My husband knows of my attraction to women , and I think it bothers me more than him. I look at it as cheating mentally kind of I guess and also I am Christian which complicates my identity and is why I took so long to accept myself. But I am who I am . My question is , lately , the last year or so , the attraction to be with a woman has become like a longing. Like a need. But I am happy with and love my husband deeply. I an torn. I am starting to feel part of myself is caged, but at the same time I do not want to hurt my marriage. How do you explore your identity and embrace it while being faithful to your partner ? How do you tell the desires to chill out? Like today we were out walking and I saw a goddess of a street musician and instantly felt so guilty because I was having a blissful day with my husband and then my heart instantly wanted her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)  has anyone else found counseling helpful ?
     
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  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    First - religion and being queer - God Loves us all. It is man who took the Bible and made it as a tool to cause wars, hate, and just destroy things. That is not God.

    God is a part of your Soul and if you are willing to Love and accept yourself you are accepting God's love as well.

    I know several bi people who are happily married and not cheating. That does not mean they do not look and do not day dream.

    That does not mean you can not do more, you just need to do deeper discussion with your husband on ground rules and what he can and can not do. It is a two way street.

    As for therapy - I did not start or need to go because I am queer but for you couples therapy maybe good place to start.

    The most important part of what needs to be said - YOU are a good person.

    Close out the outside world and look in your soul and love and accept that person and grow from there.

    Long soft hug to a wonderful person - Jo
     
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  3. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    As another note, I’m not sure if bisexual is fully my identity because I am often attracted to gay men and have been attracted to men in drag , and a trans man once,but I don’t believe I am trans.I am open and trying to learn.
     
  4. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Thank you Jo, I agree. I often get into arguments with the Bible but I believe God exists. I guess maybe I am also shifting toward more of a deist as well.

    I want to be more open , in fact I’m planning to have a more direct discussion with my husband tonight. I don’t want and do not believe in cheating , but my desires and curiosity have been growing. Partly why I am reaching out to a likeminded community . To learn and embrace myself. For me though , I don’t believe that the desire is purely sexual . Just a desire to love that person and know them. Sometimes it is more of a carnal desire though:/ I’m sorry I hope this isn’t too much I am just trying to be open and sometime writing things out helps . I think therapy may be a good option for me but am not sure. Community may be a better way to embrace myself and also help by getting out of myself to support others.

    Thank you . I am trying . Sometimes I don’t like the person I see inside very much , but I am working on improving :)  I am a strong believer in lifelong growth and learning .
     
  5. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    How about you love human beings :) 

    Not all people can do that :) 
     
  6. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    I guess that is accurate :)  I do love people as a whole , on a platonic level. I definitely have deeper romantic love for both men and women though . I am blessed to be in a very lgbtq+ friendly city so post-covid I plan to join an in person group to do things in the community more.
     
  7. Extela
    Moonlighting

    Extela The Observer
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    Sounds like your romantic orientation doesn't match up to your sexuality. You see, romantic orientation is not the same as your sexuality. What you've mentioned above sounds like you're bicurious, because you've only had experiences with men, but wonder about things with woman.

    You could also be sexually straight, but romantically demiromantic because you want to have this bond, and emotional connection with a woman. You should find out what attracts you to woman, is it this bond you want with them? (Demiromanticism, Saiporomanticism) or are you only attracted to them asthetically or in the fashion of "Oh they're so good looking, I want to be like them!"

    As long as you're not sexually attracted to woman, you're not really cheating. If you sexually wanted both men and woman, and craved for intimacy with both that would make you bisexual.

    It's true that woman are renowned for their beauty, and even straight woman can like woman asthetically, or even platonically. Liking someone isn't a sin, and as for the bible the truth is that people "Themselves" coined those terms, because they could not stand something that was different. There is no sin in loving nor liking, as you're not hurting or causing damage to anyone.
     
  8. Rural Artisan

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    Hi :) 

    I know this feeling and your thread interests me. I have nothing to add but hopefully some form of support by posting.
     
  9. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Thank you for your post:)  I am definitely sexually and romantically attracted to men and women. I’m fact I would say I find more women sexually attractive these days then men.I admire people as a whole but there are specifics ones of each sex that are attractive to me. I definitely spent a long time telling myself I was just admiring women or wishing I looked like someone. But it’s deeper than that and I finally accepted that about 5 years ago. I guess the guilt comes from the desire to be with a woman when I am married to my husband and so it feels unfaithful although I don’t act on it ,the desire is there. But I am romantically and sexually attracted to him also.So I guess I’m trying to explore this side of me without being with someone else.
     
  10. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Extela, thank you for your insight. I’m sorry if I was a little dismissive. I’m still sorting through all my feelings after repressing they for so long. I have memories of wanting to kiss and be sexually intimate with girls from my teens, but I dismissed those immediately at the time. You’re right though I do have a different love for the gay men and some other people I’ve been attracted to. I wanted to intimately know their souls and minds , but nothing sexual. Thank you for your insight and I appreciate all you lovely people !
     
  11. Takusprite
    Fine

    Takusprite Dedicative Contributor
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    Hi Zenith , first of all, welcome to this forum. This is a great place full of non-judgmental people. Second, be kind to and gentle with yourself. This is not an easy thing for everyone to learn to accept themselves.

    Like you, I grew up Christian and didn't realize I am bi until I was already in a long term hetero relationship with the woman who I married. I never had any same-sex experiences before and would never think of cheating. That said, there are a few things I learned along my own journey.

    Being Christian and being bisexual (or being part of the LGBTQ+ community in general) are not mutually exclusive. As a Christian, I believe that everyone has sinned and that no one sin is any worse than any other sin, but that Jesus died to forgive all of our sins. In other words, even if being bisexual was a "sin" (which I do not believe it is to begin with), it doesn't matter because we're forgiven anyway. I know a lot of people and churches have lost sight of this simple but central teaching, but don't forget that God loves you no matter what.

    Another thing I learned is about communicating with my wife. I came out to her just before we got engaged, so she knew upfront, but she said as long as I'm never cheat on her with anyone (regardless of their sex/gender), that she didn't care. And I am open and honest with her about whatever I'm going through - I recently realized that I'm also gender fluid - which helps the both of us become closer to each other. There have been moments when I saw a real attractive person behind the register at the store or wherever and my heart skips a beat and i can't help but stare a little, but at the end of the day, s/he isn't my person who I'm in love with, so she doesn't care. She's my person.

    I know it's not easy and it's a lot to work through, but just talking with your husband helps. And you don't necessarily need to go to counseling either, unless you want to. We in the forum are all here for you if you need us. And feel free to message me if you ever want to talk more about anything.
     
  12. AGirlCanDream

    AGirlCanDream Curious Explorer
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    I understand you as far as being married and massively attracted to women, long to be with a woman. I now realize I have always been "bi" in the fact that I love women, have always been more atrracted to women verses men. I accepted this fact about 5yrs ago and my husband does know and wasn't suprised at all by my admission! Lol! He knows women turn me on. I was raised it was wrong, not acceptable, etc so I pushed those feelings aside...until I had been married 15yrs. Now the question I ask myself is..Now what?? I don't have any answers, i wish I did. I still dream and fantasize about women..
     
  13. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Thank you Takusprite. Yes I believe God loves me and that Christ died so my sins are forgiven . I was around a very anti-lgbtq+ church crowd all growing up, so thought anything other than straight was a sin. But then I grew up and met wonderful gay and lesbian people who were amazing and I just can’t believe that love is a sin and I hated the message of punishment for loving someone. I still feel “ wrong “ sometimes . Even more so because I really do love my husband and I don’t believe in cheating either. That’s the agreement my husband and I have is you can look but not touch :)  which is very easy for me with other men, for some reason women bring out a hard to squash reaction these days, which makes me feel guilty , like I’m cheating in my heart.
    I have been and am being open , and he wasn’t worried when I talked to him the other day. He just said he loved me:)  thank you for sharing, I’m glad you and your wife are working through as well. Having a supportive partner really helps. This community has been so lovely as well:)  thanks again and have a good evening !
     
  14. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Hi there, I understand the feeling and I’m sorry you’re going through that also. I was raised the same , in the church and a very conservative family . It’s good your husband knows and accepts all of you, that’s important . I’m in the same boat. I absolutely don’t believe in cheating , but were I not married I’d be with a woman most likely now. So I’m trying to mentally sort through the urges and feelings and accept all of me( not so easy) so that I can embrace who I am as best as possible within my relationship. I wish you the best on your journey and if you discover any tips or ideas feel free to share :) 
     
  15. Rural Artisan

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    A question I have asked myself plenty of times.

    I can't lie. Not holding all the cards at an important stage in life has been, for me, the biggest curve ball of them all.

    You can reverse engineer things in the mind; to prove to yourself you would have done what you have done, had you known (or faced up to) all there was.

    Or you can convince yourself the other side would be "no good"; purely because what could be better than what I have here? But it feels like reasoning, which carries guilt too.

    I commented (to someone in a PM) it can almost feel like an urge to throw it all away, just to prove it was the right thing after all.

    But I don't think any of that is right :) 

    I think the best idea is to find a way to channel all this into being the best version we can be. That version will know what to do, if required.

    I evolved to where I am, but want tomorrows answers yesterday while claiming to know myself better.

    I know it isn't easy, but sometimes (speaking personally) I feel it is possible to make it hard.


    :) 
     
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    #15 Rural Artisan, Jul 21, 2020
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  16. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    I understand, I wish I knew the best choice for tomorrow today often. I think “ what if “ a lot these days. But by the same token , had I not exactly what I have done my life would be different and so would I. I don’t think it’s worth throwing everything away to see,but that’s also I think a personal journey that you have to decide.
     
  17. Rural Artisan

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    Agreed.

    By way of explanation, I have suffered at the hands of my brain going straight from joyous realisation to regret and all while being happily ensconced. A thought process like that is going to kick some s**t up along the way.

    As I say, quite the curve ball. However, I'm starting to think that work in progress isn't necessarily a bad thing to be.
     
    #17 Rural Artisan, Jul 22, 2020
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  18. AGirlCanDream

    AGirlCanDream Curious Explorer
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    I get your dilemma..I ask myself often, what if? But is it worth throwing it all away? No I dont think so, but to get the green light from him to explore would be perfect. And he has said in the past, if he's present hes okay with it..not to be involved or anything like that, I just dont know that I would want him there. I struggle with the desire everyday....
     
  19. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Not at all:)  being a work in progress, I think is a good thing. Hang in there !
    --- Double Post Merged, Jul 22, 2020 ---
    That’s an interesting dilemma . I hope you are able to find something that works for you :) 
     
    #19 Zenith, Jul 22, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020
  20. Zenith

    Zenith Greenhorn
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    Ok as an add on , to the reason among many I feel guilty , I’ve had attraction ,and desires for people women and men . Lately when I see a woman who I am attracted to the feeling is more like ? Need? Hunger? I tried to explain to my husband and he said I know you like girls, and the best analogy I could come up with is being really really really thirsty and then seeing a glass of ice water. Those of you who are in a relationship and bi do you understand what I mean ? Is that normal? ( well whatever normal is ) I’m not sure what is wrong with me unless it’s like hormone craziness as I’m getting older ?
     

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