1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

Experience

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Katie J., Feb 12, 2020.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. Katie J.

    Katie J. Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2019
    Messages:
    21
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Obviously, our experiences shape our lives - good or bad. Maybe it matters and maybe it doesn't, but I'm 32 now. So keep that in mind when you read this.

    I'm relatively new here. I posted once about a year ago when I started really noticing and accepting my attraction to women. I've been reading through other threads though, and finding that I'm not the only one who's been through these things.
    I'm quite confident that I've known since I was a child that there was something different about me. I can remember thinking more than once that I should have been a boy. It's not that I wanted to be one, I don't feel that I'm trans, or want to be trans, I just that I knew there was something inherently different about me. I loved dolls and barbies but I also loved dinosaurs, cars, and ninja turtles. (My best friend from 4-8 was my next door neighbor, Jacob so he was my source of "boy" toys.) I discovered my great love of sports started around 8 years old too. I had crushes on a couple of boys during my school years, but nothing ever came of it. Boys just didn't, and frankly, still don't, like me. So my attraction or lack of attraction, to them was irrelevant. I didn't need to have sexual experience with men to know that I was attracted to them. But, I also didn't have my first kiss until I was 27. A couple months later I did lose my virginity. I wasn't overly attracted to the guy, and honestly, I didn't particularly even like him, but jeeze. It felt really great to be touched, to be desired. It didn't last long though, partly, because I lost 95% of my attraction to him when he compared legalizing gay marriage to him being legally allowed to marry a cat. Yeah, seriously. But that's another story.
    So my question is, did you have to experience sexual contact with another woman to know "for sure" that it was what you were into?
    I keep telling myself that I can't consider myself bisexual, (or maybe even lesbian) unless I actually experience it. But is that necessarily true?

    If you're at all curious as to how I've arrived here, feel free to check out my other thread. It explains so much.
     
  2. Billie2319
    Lurking

    Billie2319 Dedicative Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2020
    Messages:
    104
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    I can totally relate here. It started more when I was older but I remember thinking it'd be a lot funner to be a boy. It didn't mean I was a guy or anything it just meant I wasn't a "regular" girl. I also liked the boy's toys. Also round of applause for all the boys in the world who let the girls play with them and share their stuff.

    To answer your questions I have not yet had an intimate relationship with a girl, but I'm still sure that's what I'm into. I look at guys and it's always "what's up bro" and never "omg you're so cute". I also tend to compete with guys more than other girls. I finally figured out and accepted who I like after a little reflection.

    Have you ever fallen head over heels for a guy? Did it last? Do you ever randomly think some random girl is cute or get nervous around them? Who do you catch yourself daydreaming about? Maybe these questions don't provide one certain answer, but they at least get you thinking and a little more honest with yourself.
     
  3. Katie J.

    Katie J. Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2019
    Messages:
    21
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Billie2319, thank you so much for replying.
    I was lucky as a kid that I had a grandmother and great aunt who would buy me "boy" toys. They agreed that toys had no gender and could be played with by anyone. Years later, they also bought my younger brother Tin Man and Dorothy Dolls (from the wizard of Oz). Yes, lol, my brother is gay. At the very least, he believes he is bisexual at this point. He came out to me almost a year ago, but I've known since he was 4 or 5, in all reality.
    Anywho, to answer you back: no, I've never fallen head over heels for a guy. Well, kind of. When I was 23 I experienced what I can only assume is "love at first sight" when I met a guy named Jesse. Problem was, he had a very pregnant girlfriend. He was 19, she was just shy of 18. I can literally remember everything about the first time I saw him. It was almost like a panic set in. I couldn't breathe when he was around but I wanted nothing more than to be near him. I knew I couldn't, or most definitely shouldn't, tell him though. So I didn't. I did my very best to hide my feelings and pretend we were just friends. It was so painful, I can feel my chest tightening now just thinking about it. We didn't work together long and that was probably for the best. Our coworkers were already beginning to talk, even though there was NOTHING going on. Less than nothing. One day he came into the store (where we worked together), unannounced, and just started chatting to me. No big deal, and yeah, I wanted him so bad. Then he drops a bomb on me. He's getting married that day. It was approximately 1pm. He was getting married at 4. My stomach dropped, I was almost speechless. On the day he was getting married, he drove a half hour out of town to have lunch with me. I wondered for YEARS what that meant. Years.
    Given the chance, I'll ramble about our history forever, so I'll cut to the chase. Nothing happened with us. Well, for the next 5 years. We spoke occasionally, went out for a drink once when wifey was out of town. They briefly separated but still, nothing. Before I could even think about talking to him about how I felt, they got back together. Then, radio silence again. March 2015, we met for drinks. Didn't get sloppy drunk but we finally spoke freely. We did have feelings for each other at the same time but neither of us had felt we could act on it. Had I been more experienced with not specifically men, but sex in general, I may have pursued him more aggressively. I was so terribly inexperienced when I first met him and I didn't believe someone like him could actually like me back. It had never happened to me before! No one I liked had ever liked me back! So I asked him "Why did you come see me the day you got married? What the hell was I supposed to do? Did you want me to tell you not to do it?" His answer "I was hoping someone would." Ugh why did I even ask? If you read my original thread, you'll find out that he and I started a semi-relationship that night. It lasted a couple years but it's over now. I'm trying to be as concise as possible while still conveying how deep my feelings for him were. He was, and still is, the only man I've ever had real feelings for. Up until the first time I kissed him, I'd never kissed someone I loved. Ever. I didn't love my first, or any of the others since then. I won't say we were in love because I truly think that's a stretch. But I did love him. And he said he loved me too. I believe he did. He loves his wife and children more though, and that's okay.

    As far as daydreaming, it's a mixed bag. It used to be consistently Jesse, but not as much anymore. Sometimes it's another guy, and sometimes its a woman. The men in my daydreams are usually random. The women are usually people I know. A friend, a former teacher (lol I know), the occasional celebrity. I'll be honest, I don't let myself daydream about romantic partners often. I am apparently quite undesirable, even though I really don't think I should be seen as such. So I stopped letting myself open the door for feelings to creep in a long time ago. They occasionally slip through but I don't want to set myself up for something that I know won't happen.

    I go back and forth with my attraction for men. Sometimes I'm very interested and other times I can't imagine having sex with one again. I don't find too many men attractive but in all fairness, I don't find too many women attractive either. I don't believe I fall into the asexual area, because I do have sexual desire and I do want to express it with another human being. I know that no one can tell me if I'm straight, bi, or lesbian, etc. I know I have to figure that out myself, that it's nothing anyone can decide for you. My lack of experience in both romantic and sexual relationships doesn't help. So I guess I'm kind of taking a poll lol. I live in a small town where everyone finds out everyone's business easily. I'm not comfortable talking to anyone in person about it. I've debated telling my brother but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm the older sister, I'm supposed to have my shit together lol. I need for him to believe that for at least a little longer.

    Long post, I know. I'd like to hear from more of you if you'd be comfortable telling me your story. :) 
     
  4. bi-fi signal
    Alienated

    bi-fi signal *bi intensifies*
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2020
    Messages:
    256
    Location:
    slytherin dorm
    Ratings:
    +189 / 0 / -0
    hi katie,
    no, i don't think you have to experience anything w anybody to consider yourself bi. im only 16 so i haven't and dont plan on experiencing sexual contact w anyone anytime soon, but i do know for sure that i like girls bc i have experienced strong romantic attraction to them.
     
  5. Billie2319
    Lurking

    Billie2319 Dedicative Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2020
    Messages:
    104
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    Oh my gosh I hear you. My kid brother made some comment about me having a boy friend someday and to myself was like "huh what? Oh yeah you have no idea". The world he lives in is still pretty black and white and to him I'm an adult who has it all figured out (won't he be surprised to learn how much adults fake it lol).

    Yours is quite the almost love story. As for your attraction to both men and women I think that's normal. I've met a lot of people who like both, but lean one way or the other slightly more. Also, not always feeling attraction isn't weird or asexual in my opinion. Sounds like you fall into that gray area between a lot of things. Honestly I think a majority of the world falls into some kind of in-between but just isn't willing to admit it.

    My story, ok this is also a little bit of a grayish area. I like girls but also transgender guys. I met my first crush a few months ago at college orientation. He is transgender, bisexual, and adorable. Unfortunately he seems to be into more feminine girls which I am not (truck driving, jeans wearing, dress hating, non make up wearing, super hero nerd here). I have not told anyone but my two sisters about my sexual orientation. One is slightly shocked and terrified of the day my mom finds out and the other is not the least bit surprised but equally worried about mom finding out. I started to sense my difference in high school when I'd get random thoughts about how cute different girls were. It scared the crap out of me and I stuffed it way down for a while and almost fooled myself into thinking I like guys. My crush blew that fantasy out of the water. He has many feminine attributes which he embraces fully. For example he pays a lot of attention to his clothes and jewelry. Another thing I think is adorable about him is how energetic he is. He can talk about his favorite subjects going a mile a minute for hours. If there's something he's passionate about he will stand up on a chair in the middle of the cafeteria to make sure everyone knows. Someday I hope to be able to thank him for making me admit who I am. For now I'll try desperately to get over him.
     
  6. Katie J.

    Katie J. Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2019
    Messages:
    21
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Billie2319 Oh these little brothers, they have such high hopes for us. I remember one specific time when I was 20, my brother said a similar thing to me. There was no way I was going to tell a 12 year old that I wasn't sure I even liked men or that I hadn't been on a date in 3 years. My brother and I have always been close, he recently told me that I was the first one he came out to last year (other than his roommate). But I feel that in order for me to maintain some of the older sibling authority, there are things he doesn't need to know about me. Maybe not so much that, as there are things about me that I do not need to burden him with. He may be 25 but in my mind, he's still 12.
    Ugh, yeah, Jesse and I have quite a story. What I explained in my 1st response is only about 1/3 of it. Part of that story also connects with my current question of my sexuality. Before I met him, I was convinced I was "broken" in some way. I didn't think I was capable of having feelings that intense for anyone, not just men. At 23, I was still largely in denial about being interested in women. I haven't met anyone since him, male or female, who I had the same instant, intense connection to. I don't necessarily miss him at this point, but I desperately miss how he made me feel when we were together. Lol maybe he ruined me for other men?
    Thank you for sharing your story with me. I also am not a particularly girly female. I never wear makeup. Tried it a few times in my early 20s. Besides the fact that I felt ridiculous, it made my skin feel gross. I have short hair now, I had been letting it grow in and stay long from 19-31. It just never felt right. When I finally had it cut off last spring, I felt like I was returning to myself. I don't wear low-cut tops. If I could live in jeans and a tee shirt, I would. I had to wear a dress when I was in my cousin's wedding a few years ago, and when I was in a friend's wedding last summer. It was physically painful, I felt exposed.
    I don't believe I've ever met a trans guy, I live in a really small town and even the college I went to was pretty rural. I'd consider dating one, I think. Without sounding like a jerk, he'd have to present as average to above average masculine. It's just my preference, I don't seem to find "soft" looking men attractive. With girls, I'm a sucker for a "jock". Basketball, softball, soccer players, etc. I was most definitely crushing on half of the women's world cup soccer team last year lol. I had a pretty intense crush on a female teacher during high school. I didn't realize that's what it was until after the fact. She was and is still married but looking back, I was definitely into her.
    Knowing that others are also inexperienced but still know their attraction is real is comforting and frightening at the same time. Part of me hoped that any replies I got would be "nope, you definitely have to have tried it to know for sure!" Logically though, I know that the answer isn't going to be black and white for everyone.
     
    #6 Katie J., Feb 14, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020
  7. mike300

    mike300 Pretty Notable
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2019
    Messages:
    965
    Ratings:
    +508 / 1 / -6
    its not necessary to have a real experiance to proove to yourself that u are bi, but it helps
     
  8. Billie2319
    Lurking

    Billie2319 Dedicative Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2020
    Messages:
    104
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    Yuck. My mom made me wear a dress to prom even though I desperately wanted to wear a pants suit. It was the same feeling.

    I cut my hair super short for the first time when I was sixteen. I donated nineteen inches! The other three got cut off when I got a pixie cut. Getting rid of all that hair is definitely freeing.
     
  9. Katie J.

    Katie J. Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2019
    Messages:
    21
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Billie2319 I almost wore a suit to both as a matter of fact. My cousin said I could wear a pants suit if I really wanted to but I couldn't find one that I liked enough. For the friends' wedding, we could get any dress we wanted as long as it was the right color, which she picked out through David's Bridal. There were actually two different one piece style pantsuits available in her color. Both were too low cut for my taste tho, so I didn't get one. Plus I didn't know if she'd like that or not. I brought it up at the reception and she said it would have been totally cool and had hoped someone would pick it. Lol sure, now you tell me!

    My hair isn't quite pixie short but it's close. It's too curly to do much with unless I want to style it every day. I think we all know the answer to that lol. I wanted to go super edgy and do almost shaved on the sides with longer on the top but I chickened out. Someday!
     
  10. Billie2319
    Lurking

    Billie2319 Dedicative Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2020
    Messages:
    104
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    That's a cool hair style! But, yeah it's a big commitment. When I was getting my hair cut short (the first time) I almost chickened. I might have if I hadn't worked so hard to convince my mom to let me cut it. Really glad I kept my mouth shut cause it was one of the greatest days of my life. If you decide to go for it just remember it will eventually grow out!
     
  11. Katie J.

    Katie J. Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2019
    Messages:
    21
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    I'm significantly older than you, so my mom's permission doesn't come into play lol but, the funny thing is that she encouraged me to cut it - even tho she's moderately homophobic. She never cared that it was short when I was a kid either. I left it long for most of my 20s because I was tired of people assuming things about/harassing me because my sexual orientation. I guess that point is moot lol.
    My aunt is a hairdresser btw, so whenever I did get my hair cut, I let her take 6-8 inches, even 12 a couple times, to donate for wigs. I felt it was bad karma to just throw it away when a sick kid could use it. On my first donation, they got 4 wigs out of my hair. So yeah, my hair grows fast. I'm on the northeast, it's pretty cold here right now. Might save the edgy look for when I don't need to wear a hat just to walk to my car!
     
  12. Billie2319
    Lurking

    Billie2319 Dedicative Contributor
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2020
    Messages:
    104
    Ratings:
    +83 / 0 / -0
    Yeah, whenever I hear someone talking about getting a haircut I always ask how much they're cutting off then suggest donating it (if it's enough). Throwing it away doesn't do anyone any good.

    It's cold where I am too. Don't know about you but I'm ready for spring.

    Yeah, being a kid sucks when your parents don't let you do things. I'm in college now but am still young enough that my mother has significant control over my life. It's kind of a weird place to be but it's more freedom then I've ever had so I'll take it. Someday I think it might be cool to dye my hair. Not sure what color yet (maybe blue?). Right now I think mom would have a heart attack if I came home with colored hair lol.
     

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page