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Do some people use Grindr to browse or am I being paranoid finding it on my bf’s phone?

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Dan8, Nov 16, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Dan8

    Dan8 Lurker

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    Hi all, it’s a long story but I came out to my family just before last christmas in 2017 after coming our of an 11 year straight relationship that broke down. I met a man who is 8 years older than me three years ago, I’m 30, he’s now 38 and I fell in love. Very little happened back then, my relationship fell apart for numerous reasons and he stood by me. His relationship also fell apart and he’s now separated from his wife and we are planning to move in together in the next few weeks.

    If I go back to September this year I found a few peoples names on his phone that he’s been chatting with but not the messages themselves. It’s only when I confornted him did he admitted that he had ‘spoken’ to them on Grindr but never met anyone. He said coming out late ish in life (38) that he wanted to connect with other gay people but never in a sexual way. Well I love this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. We’ve gone through the coming out together. We open up emotionally, we spend time together, the physical side of the relationship is amazing too, he’s met my entire family and they all like him and I think this is why I’m so hurt by this.

    I’ve never been on this app myself, I personally feel it’s a bit sleazy but each to their own. I’d never judge those who have used it. There’s was and only has ever been one man for me.

    He has promised me nothing happened whilst he was in floods of tears and every other day he says “I’m so sorry I hurt you” and I tell him it’s ok and we’ve move past it but I’m really struggling.

    Is it possible that he could have had it and not met up with anyone? He rightly or wrongly left his wife for me which I said he couldn’t but he did anyway because he said he was gay ans couldn’t carry on on his relationship but he’d always ask me to wait for him which I did because he is the love of my life.

    Bearing in mind I’ve only been out barely a year, can anyone offer any advice?

    Thanks in advance.
     
    #1 Dan8, Nov 16, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
  2. Barefoot
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    Barefoot Casual Observer
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    Yes. But he had it for some reason.
     
  3. Dru0511
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    This is a personal opinion, and so please feel free to disagree on any of the latter points.

    My partner and I both have Grindr, and other gay meet-up apps. Both of us are monogamous, and use the app for the same reason as your boyfriend described (i.e., connect with other gay people).

    I think it may not be a cause for concern, especially because your boyfriend came out a bit later in life and may be exploring his “gay adolescence” in that he’s seeking out people to be friends because other than you, he may have had limited exposure to others in the community.

    I think that it is a matter of how much trust has been established in the relationship. I never ask my partner about his activities on his app, because: 1. I trust him, 2. I respect his privacy and 3. If anything interesting happens, he usually lets me know anyway.

    Personally, I don’t think having the apps are indicative of infidelity inherently. Moreover, if he has been speaking eith anyone interesting, maybe you and he could go together to meet this person. Friendships can potentially develop in these unconventional ways.

    Best of luck
     
  4. Being.
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    I'll also add that maybe he just like to share pics with other guy and get off together.
    Doesn't mean he doesn't love you and Isint 100% commited. I've met plenty of married and partnered guys on apps who like doing this. It's a more interactive form of porn almost for when they are horny. But no one freaking out thier partner is going to leave them if they catch them watching porn.
    So yeah. That's my opnion.
    It's fun to see other nudes guys and share pics and chat about what gets you off.
     
  5. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    I think you ought to trust him. Coming out of a straight marriage, he's probably had very little opportunity to know other gay men, and Grindr probably was the best way he knew to answer the question, "Just who are the other guys who are like me?" I think he wanted to see some faces, more than anything else -- a kind of exploration of his new "identity group."

    When he tells you he never met anybody IRL, I'm pretty confident he was telling the truth. Don't let mistrust get in the way of your love.
     
  6. Dan8

    Dan8 Lurker

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    Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I think you all speak a lot of sense and I value your opinions. It’s a new ‘world’ to me and him and I think I may have over reacted when I found out he’d been on Grindr but it was a shock at the time.

    I can’t give up on him and I do truly love him. It’s still difficult st the moment because it happened so recently but I’m sure I’ll get there.

    Dan
     
  7. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    You'll get there! Stay happy!
     
  8. Morfar
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    Morfar (10+13)/2=11.5%(225)=26amps
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    I think, from my point of view(The only point I have) that when we first
    come out, All we know as that we are different, and the natural way to find out what you want is to shop around.
    After he figures out that you fill his needs and vise versa, and you both enjoy being together then its, is he monogamous?
     
  9. flyboy15
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    flyboy15 Invisible
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    I'm single, and also came out when I was 38. It's hard to adjust to this sudden new life, especially when you have no one to turn to. I have used grindr to try and just connect with people....sometimes you can make friends that way. I have made a few. I have only actually met up with one guy....and it turned out horrible. So, for now...I just browse. I wouldnt worry about it if you really have a strong relationship.

    Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk
     
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