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Discussion in 'Transgender' started by Kenzie Miller, Jun 12, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Kenzie Miller
    Blah

    Kenzie Miller Lurker

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    Can y'all post on this thread your story of how you came to the realization of your gender identity. I'm new here and am curious
     
  2. anon_abstraction
    Artistic

    anon_abstraction I be Taylor Lilith ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

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    This is going to be a long post so for ease of scrolling I'm, gonna wrap it in a spoiler. ;-)
    In January of 2017 my ex and I divorced. Long story short I had been hospitalized and my new doctors decided a change in medication was needed. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy was the ultimate salvation from these medications. Those meds we dropped were really sedating and basically had no idea who I was in January. I had changed so much that my coworkers barely recognized me 3 weeks after she left.

    I did really well in the Dialectical Support Therapy group and liked it enough that they put me in the advanced group. Here it was that I met the first agender person I ever interacted with. We were required to share our pronouns at the beginning of each group every week.

    "they/them/theirs"

    it was like a nagging sensation in my mind. A hole that I couldn't quite fill but I wasn't sure what I was trying to fill it with. I let it slip my mind for a while.

    So one day I decided to venture out and do some "activism" because why not. This brought me to the LGBT center on my college campus. Here sat the "They/them/theirs". Here sat Chaos ( that's their name ).

    We talked for hours. This person is an agender aromantic asexual. I had never known to question my gender. I had never known to question my sexuality. I had no idea the identity I had based my whole life off of was a lie.

    I decided to go to the park because the more I thought about it the more I was assuming everybodies gender on this earth. If any body could be any gender how could I say I was attracted to x gender. Ya can't. I went to the park and realized that my attraction knew no bounds. ( More on this later ).

    I realized that once the heterosexual label was gone there was absolutely nothing grounding me to "male". I went to bed that night, grasping and grasping for male. Gender is something that can't be grasped. It just is.

    I went to bed with a "gender" and woke up without one. I had no idea what exactly was going on but I felt awful. I went to my agender friend to talk about it and they stopped me midsentence as I grasped for words to describe what was going on. They said,

    "I'm going to stop you right there. What you are experiences is called body dysphoria. Do [ Insert helpful suggestions here ]. And see what you think."

    Here entered a dark time of horrible awful miserable dysphoria. It was a problem I ignored for almost my whole life and it was suddenly unavoidable. It hit me like a brick wall and I almost died.

    I realized I was genderfluid in Novermber just randomly happened across it. I couldn't trace where that action came from. I was stuck grasping for why I would ever do that.

    Here's the kicker, January 4th I realized I am ace/aro. I figured out my gender via thought process on a sexuality that doesn't actually exist. I left this forum around Jan 24th to figure this stuff out. Came back a couple weeks ago.

    This was also a dark time but eventually I found a guy. He unfortunately texted me one day to say, "I'm in the hospital. They are looking for a bed. The dysphoria almost won.". So over the next week I lost probably a gallon of tears and an equivalent amount of snot. I was desperately trying to think of ways to keep him around. He is a squishfriend of mine and I thought how bout Queer Platonic Partners but I remembered he is aro but not ace. WHAT IF HE NEEDED SEX???

    So I thought about it. I realized the thought of a man enjoying himself was arousing. I brought it up with him, he said I had a power kink. I realized a lot of my actions were counter to my person. When I realized I was cruel to men because I like them my brain was quiet for the first time in a year. I've been through times of intense stress and it's been longer than a month now and I am still a woman. (Both of those would change my gender pretty quick).

    I'm pretty sure that my gender just needed some time to chill on female and when I start HRT it'll be pretty much a given, I'll be just a woman all the time.
     
  3. ShauntSerelu
    Balanced

    ShauntSerelu Juliette, trans girl, sapiosexual, bi.
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    As a kid I knew but wound up repressing it. I rediscovered it about 2.5 years ago, joined here 2 years ago (almost exactly) and simply asked if what I was going through was dysphoria
    Guess it was. Bc I'm living happily as a girl now XD
     
    #3 ShauntSerelu, Jun 13, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018

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