1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

Diagnosing Dysphoria

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by Retsam, May 6, 2019.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    Hi everyone

    For the past 8-10 years I have been surpressing the feelings that maybe i am not male. Never wanted to answer the question. I would just sometimes dress in leotards and pink in the safe space of my room. When i met my girlfriend it wasnt an issue but when i told her about it, when i felt safe to open my biggest secret to her, i found she couldnt accept it. She loves the male me and didnt like the thought of me not being her boyfriend. Cant blame her really, nor do i want to. I denied those feelings so it wasnt really an issue
    The thing is, after 3 years together, my feelings got the better of me and we fought because i felt she couldnt accept me for me. I let it go for now, fighting wasnt really nice, but now i understand i must force myself the answer this question.

    But im to scared still, so i want to start with baby steps. My first goal is to understand my feelings and to know: am i fully experieneing gender dysphoria? Or perhaps im just somewhere on the spectrum?
    The problem is i dont know how to answer these questions
    So, any experiences and advices are greatly appreciated and thank you in advance
     
  2. Alsthom
    Bookworm

    Alsthom Princess Chick Pea
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2019
    Messages:
    419
    Location:
    France
    Ratings:
    +518 / 0 / -1
    Hello Retsam and welcome!
    Could you describe some of the feelings that make you think you could be trans? That would help us help you.
    The cross-dressing and the fact that you are wondering are already pretty big hints.
     
  3. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    At first i think it was curiosity, i was wandering what it was like to be a girl, so i asked my mom to buy me a leotard. Ballet was the most feminine thing i could think of.
    For a few years the curiosity was still there but i dont remember it for being anything more then that.
    When i was 14-15 i started fantasizing about being a girl, usually in day dreams.
    When i was 16-17 i think i started having dreams that i was a girl in my sleep and it really confused me.
    Those are to my best recollection my feelings over the years. If its no obvious, id get these thoughts and ideas every now and again but it wasnt constant nor did it happen a small number of times.

    It might seem like a done deal but the thing thats causing my unrest is that i could spend weeks not remembering whats in my closet, like it never existed, and then have a day dream about a the day would go if i was a girl during some situations or how start wandering if people could accept me better if i was a girl.
    And after a few days or hours of such things going through my head, i would go back to radio silence.

    Other then that i dont feel uncomfortable in my male body. Most of the time i dont care about whats between my legs or what i what i can or cannot wear. Its mostly that the fantasy of being a girl feels more comfortable then my current body.
    But could it be just that? A fantasy? I mean my fantasy includes me being a full foot shorter so...
     
  4. guest808

    guest808 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    im going through something similiar right now. I started at the age 5 doing things "little boys shouldnt," until about the age of 9 or 10. I dont know what happened here...i sit and try to remember but i cant. By age 13 i was wearing mom's makeup (or trying) girl's clothes and playing pretend in secret. My high school days werent the greatest of days...i yo-yo in weight and joined the judo and cross country teams. I tried to fit in but it never felt like i belonged with my group of friends...like i had half a foot in. I pushed those feelings aside and joined the Marine Corps...to open future opportunities and be a man.
    When i got out I did everything i could to stay occupied...but spent a dangerous amount of time confused and questioning my sexuality...it cost me greatly. Got back on the "man-horse" and pushed forward...i "cracked" again a few years later with fantasies of being a woman NONE stop. it actually started while i was in the Marine Corps....when i would come home on leave and sit at the mall and people watch. At how envious i was of the women that walked by. It began to happened with great frequency in late 2007. It started with a quick glance and then shifted to short day dreams. Those day dreams became primary thoughts throughout the day. Those thoughts became my dreams at night. I hoped that if wrote them down i could get the thoughts out of my head.....it worked for a short time...when it would repeat itself. Since then i have created 4 note books filled with stories related to these thoughts...filling the books and then burying them so they wouldnt plague me. They have never gone away....they only return and get more enriching...taking on lives of their own...lives i am envious of.
    My dad passed away a few years ago so i moved out on my own. I began to purchase women's clothes...nothing fancy: nightgowns, sports bras, a few shapers, etc. It felt right buying them....but i hated how i looked in them. It made me more sad than ashamed. It was here that i discovered transgender women vblogs on youtube. Maya, Chloe Arden, RevealingClaire, Gage, Blair White, Natalie, Gigi Gorgeous, etc. As I watched their videos, I began to see and hear things that were all too familiar to me. I then ordered a few books by Anne Boedecker and Jennifer Seely. i got them....skimmed through them...then buried them. After some things at work resulting in me not giving a damn anymore what others think of me...i broke down....needed someone to talk to... i had my first therapist session this past Saturday.
    Doctor wants to do weekly sessions with me, as i have a great many things to work on....unfortunately i have to go away on a 3 week business trip...Ive been very emotional the last couple of weeks and my heart hurts like hell. Its like someone is just squeezing it...once i calm down it goes away just to return. i have decided to keep a journal/log/diary during my trip...in hopes of alleviating my anguish...and allowing me the opportunity to present something to my therapist in hopes they can help me better.

    That is why i typed out this very long story...to get it out of my mind. To let you know im right there with you.

    i, for one....
    1) i have never liked my body....even while in the best shape of my life...ive fucking hated it.
    2)it is nearly impossible for me to shut down my brain....the wheel spins but the hamster is dead. working out doesnt work...and consuming alcohol just reschedules things
    3)i have never had a fulfilling relationship. Of the 2 longest relations i have had..no longer 1.5 years each..... they were initiated by a woman and involved nothing but sex.
    4)the things i listed above have never been mentioned to anyone before in MY LIFE!!
     
    #4 guest808, May 7, 2019
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
  5. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    Thank you for sharing. I really needed this and im sure you did too.
    None the less, i feel that some parts are one and the same with mine
    I too serve in the army, except in my country its mendetory. Im not close to a fit body, but the service is definetly stopping me from trying to figure out things
    My brain too doesnt stop, but i did laugh at the hamster analogy, and will embrace it.
    I too turned to alcohol, but being chubby it never did anything
    I feel just like you on relationships. 2 girlfriends, nothing but sex. My current girlfriend as i stated is with my for 3 years now, but because of her service and mine, its long distance and it wasnt more then sex and feeling like were not alone. Pretty sure fear of being alone is the only reason we are still together... she cant support me and maybe its time i seek a partner who will, woman or man.
    The only diffrence is i told 5 friends i trusted the most
    All of which never really wanted anything to do with it and we never talked of the subject since, so i may as well never have told anyone other then my army appointed therapist.
    Today i will tell my best friend whom i met 3 months or so ago and hope for the best. She is stuck with me on the base for the next year so she better accept it or we will have a problem...
    And lastly
    As i seek help on this forum, i would like to offer you mine
    As we both said, we are similar
     
  6. guest808

    guest808 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    i hate when im consuming alcohol and reach a point where I convinced im having a midlife crisis, reliving a long forgotten trauma from when i was 5, or just having a panic attack. Good Times. Good Times. Ive reached a strange point in my life...and im okay with that.

    i havent had any of those dreams or thoughts since ive made peace with who i am. My heart and emotions are still all over the place but that's okay. Im scared but also excited. Ive ran for so long, im resolved to stand my ground and face the truth...and im more than okay with that.

    No journey worth taking has ever been easy. i have suffered due to my thoughts and fears for so long.....it is way pat due for me to toss them by the way side... to be comfortable in my own skin...to be who i was supposed to be but long denied and suppressed it... i only wish i didnt have to get out of my own head to realize these things.

    Shit.

    sonnet 116
    Let me not to the marriage of true minds
    Admit impediments. Love is not love
    Which alters when it alteration finds,
    Or bends with the remover to remove.
    O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
    That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
    It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
    Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
    Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
    Within his bending sickle's compass come;
    Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
    But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
    If this be error and upon me prov'd, I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd.
     
  7. guest808

    guest808 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    I am 41 years old....and ive been living a lie. im tired. im so tired.
     
  8. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    Caitlyn jenner spent 65 years living a lie and look who she become. Failure isnt losing the race, its not trying the next one. There is always time. And if youre tired, start small and build your energy slowly.
    Ive spent the last to days lurking here and other forums and i relieved that i am done denying the truth. I dont know what i can do about it, but i know im somewhat jealous of some of the stories people post.
    Im so very affraid of the future but i havent failed yet
    And so arent you
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
    • List
  9. Alex-Alexis (Gfluid)
    Balanced

    Joined:
    May 9, 2019
    Messages:
    7
    Ratings:
    +8 / 0 / -0
    I always felt "different" since I can remember... and looking back there were so many signs that my gender was different but I wasn't aware.. I did dress at different times and dismissed it as wrong/perverted thanks to society at the time. and it really wasn't until I was almost 40 that I started to come to terms with being bi-gender or gender-fluid.
    That was 15 years ago and I'm still on a journey. I still live as a male and just express my female self in the privacy of my own home more due to career and being a single parent with Teen / College age kids at home (I am out to them), and take "E" but not enough to transition (which I've found makes a world of difference for feeling at home in my body), but hope to live for the most part as a woman when I retire (nature wasn't kind enough to give me a body that would transition into a passable state).

    ..Sorry to ramble but the point is that it really does take time not only to find yourself, but to allow your feelings to sink in before proceeding. If your not sure just take small steps and give yourself the time to fully feel them for many people initially it's a sexual thrill but then as time goes on you realize that you are just more comfortable and feel right expressing the opposite gender. I started with just wearing panties, and slowly progressed from there and I'm still on that journey.

    I will say this though. It's very difficult to proceed and try things on for size if you're partner isn't supporting of you exploring who you are. And while I'm not advocating or giving advice on anyone's relationship very often the strain it puts on both parties it too much and relationships end. The other part of it is that if you are trying to find yourself and it puts you and your partner in duress then it really makes it hard to have clear judgment on doing any kind of transitioning (one of those "can't see the forest for the trees" things) been there, done that and had to do a lot of re-evaluating afterwards.

    Just my opinion from my experiences so no offense to anyone
     
  10. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    Actually, we broke up. When we started things i denied any feelings i had so it wasnt a problem but i knew she was interested in a man and if i was to change that then she couldnt accept it. Its not transphobia or anything but she wants a boyfriend not a girlfriend.
    I told herbi know how she feels but i cant deny things anymore
    So we broke up. Dont really know how to go this road alone but ill get there
     
  11. guest808

    guest808 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    I had to go away for 3 weeks on business but scheduled an appointment with my therapist (visit # 2) for right when i came back. day before the appointment they canceled. Im kind of having trouble not freaking out. Im sure this kind of thing is common...but my head wont stop spinning. I was doing a great job of controlling my emotions and stress while on my work trip...mostly because i was able to make light of shitty happenings and crack jokes with a my coworkers whom i enjoy working with (but due to past events am confused about how i feel about them on a personal level). I dont have that opportunity being back home because im by myself.

    Goddamnit. i just want to melt away the weight and start already!! i know it my bones that this is the right thing to do...but having to prove to someone else that i should....and that minute shadow of doubt (that fear that is 1% that i might be wrong...that holding out a little longer i will find my happiness after not having any for most of my life...like that shit is going to pop out of the wood works the day after i start hormones and go "SURPRISE, you could have had me but not anymore cuz you popped a pill").....fuck. ive had to these thoughts for most of my life but have pushed them deep down inside where they became sources of shame and emotional anguish. Up until a month ago i never told a soul... but the emotions became too much to bare...and they continue to run rampant through my mind.
     
    #11 guest808, Jun 2, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2019
  12. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    I understand exactly what youre going through.
    Ive had these feeling for 10 years now but only a month ago ive allowed them to exist.
    But now i started laser treatment for my beard and i wear the dresses i like in the comfort of my room (with more on the way).
    But the fear is so much present in my head and i cant ignore it,
    What if i wont ever be the girl i feel like inside?
    What if i start hormones and realise i dont want that?
    What if being a trans woman is so socially unacceptable that my life would be hell if i do all of this?
    I mean, i can continue wearing my choice of clothes at home and be the man poeple see me as and i might know peace.
    But i might not.
    I am so scared making that choice but a friend told me i dont have to make it now. Nothing will happen in a day.
    So i will debate these questions and when ill feel ready then ill do what ever i choose.
    Every fiber of my being is screaming that i should just start and try to be that girl, every waking second.
    The heart want to go fast, and the head just beats it up.
    I know what i want, but my head is going though every bit of a chance that this isnt what i want.
     
  13. guest808

    guest808 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    Therapist seemed surprised at my resolve and calmness since the last session. No longer denying the truth...coming face to face with it and accepting it OPENINGLY has been extremely cathartic. With over a month between sessions...and knowing that i want to transition, has put in a state of ease. My blood pressure is the lowest it has been since high school...and all the horseshit at work no longer stresses me out. I figured...why continue to deny and fight it and live with the pain...when i can accept it...push forward and be happy.

    therapist mentioned informed consent...that made me happy. i dont know how many more sessions i have to go through...but im very happy i have someone i can talk to...to get it off my chest...to find my happiness after 41 years...to be "the most authentic me" i can be.
     
  14. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    What do you mean "have to" you shoild continue as long as you can
    Beacause that someone you can talk to is a valueble shield.
    Do you mean how many sessions until you can begin your transition?
     
  15. guest808

    guest808 Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2019
    Messages:
    15
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Ratings:
    +5 / 0 / -0
    sessions before hrt.
     
  16. Retsam

    Retsam Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2019
    Messages:
    24
    Ratings:
    +11 / 0 / -0
    Well then just remember that hrt and the entire transition is a really hard process and that someone that is there for you is a reaaly freat tool to help you with it.
    I have been doing therapy for almost 4 years now and i still need it
    I have two therapists
    Dont think of it as mendetory, its for you and you only

    And soon ill see a psychiatrist and get the recognition ill need for free hrt
    But im sure ill see both of them for a long time now
     

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page