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Dating someone who isn’t fully out.

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Mustard, Oct 8, 2019 at 7:30 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Mustard

    Mustard Lurker

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    Hello

    I am new here and I just need a little bit of advice if anyone is up for it

    I’m 21 yrs old. My Gf is 30 with a kid, who is only two. We’ve been dating 7mo and she hasn’t came out to her parents. We’ve told all our friends and they know. But she also lives with her parents, do you think that’s what makes her not want to come out? Her parents can basically already tell tbh. And they asked her if she was gay and always says no. They said they wouldn’t care. But idk what’s holding her up. She’s head over heels for me but should I cut her some slack? When I came out it was extremely hard for me. And I don’t want to put her cause that’s not my place. I just can’t post anything on social media or act gay when I’m at her place because of her parents. What is your input if you have any?

    thank you in advance
     
  2. BeautyQueen
    Feminine

    BeautyQueen Good Girl
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    You should definitely have a conversation with her about it. Why doesn't she want to come out? Is it only a fear or maybe she is dependent on them? You can both try to start a conversation with her parents and feel their attitude out. You can also offer her to be the talking person if she's afraid.
     
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    #2 BeautyQueen, Oct 8, 2019 at 7:40 AM
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019 at 7:42 AM
  3. Mustard

    Mustard Lurker

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    I’ve tried having a conversation about her coming out and she never wants to talk about it. She is dependent on them at the moment. I even offered I could even talk for her So she doesn’t have to do it alone. Her mom even said she wouldn’t care and her sisters don’t know either. But they keep making jokes towards her and say we’re cute and stuff. I don’t know what to do tbh. I love her, maybe I should be more patient? She says when she moves out she will tell everyone. But how long will that take ya know?
     
  4. Happy
    Angelic

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    Ah, I think I understand where your gf is coming from. I'm currently in the closet and I wish coming out wasn't a thing that was expected. I fully understand why someone would officially come out, but maybe your gf feels as if its unnecessary as her parents and friends already seem to know. Also, she might not know that you feel like you have to hide around her parents. (I could be wrong, I don't want to make assumptions)
     
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  5. Thespis
    Balanced

    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Hi Mustard and welcome to the forum. Old cis bi guy speaking. :) 

    I agree with you: naturally no-one should be pushed into coming out before they feel ready, but given that her parents already suspect AND have voiced an openly accepting attitude, her reluctance to get the thing over and done with does seem bizarre.

    That's the odd thing with coming out, though, isn't it? Even when everyone else around them can see that it's going to go well, often the person who has to do it has it built up in their head into an unscalable everest of anxiety and potentially negative outcomes. It almost makes you wish her parents would save her the bother and say "Darling, we know Mustard is your girlfriend and we're happy for both of you, so get over yourself already!" :D  ...but of course that would just make her feel foolish, which wouldn't be good for her dignity.

    My next idea might sound a bit devious (and could royally screw things up if ever she found out), but... is there any way you could talk to her parents privately (i.e. behind her back) and maybe persuade them to write her a simple, loving letter telling her that they know and it's OK? I dunno why, but it seems to me that being told in writing might work better and be less embarrassing for her?

    I dunno. I'm probably wrong. Frustrating, though, innit.
     
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  6. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A Active Veteran
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    First welcome to a safe and wonderful place, where if you let us, we are like family and some of us rather crazy family at that.

    I am going out on some thin ice on this but what the heck.

    If she has kids, I am guessing there was a guy who really messed up her. She left and went home needing help and feels bad.

    A long came wonderful you and she is enjoying herself and happy for the first time in for a long time.

    She is still dealing the fact she is a lesbian and has not had time to see she is wonderful or to love herself.

    That is my high fly guess of the heck she is in right now.

    I hope I am wrong but remember you are giving her something she has not had in a long time, some one who sees her and loves HER.

    I wish you luck and you are a wonderful person to care about her so much.

    Long hug filled with hope
     
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  7. Mustard

    Mustard Lurker

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    Yeah it seems as if she really doesn’t want to come out right now. We can’t even hold hands or I can’t be as close to her when we’re in her room. So it just sucks. Mostly because I really love her and her daughter. Her baby daddy even likes me a lot (He’s married to a different woman).

    I would love to do this but I don’t want to overstep and go behind her back to her parents. Knowing her , it seems kind of disrespectful to me. Also, it seems that It could lead up to a bad argument. But thank you for responding!

    Thank you, yes I really care for her. She means the world to me. I try and always be kind and caring for her. But I think it probably does have a lot to do with self acceptance. But at least her parents love me. So maybe one of these days ya know?
     
  8. Jo A
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    You are, from what I can see a wonderful person and I hope you can show her how to respect and love herself with the love and support from you.

    She is blessed by you.

    I wish you well young person
     
  9. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    Sorry, I really don't mean to disrespect your feeling, but I seriously wonder why do you get so bothered from your gf not coming-out to her parents, actually. I know there must be some frustration from the burden of pretence on you, but is it such a big deal for you? Is it because you feel guilty for pretending in front of her parents or just because you can't make out with her while in a limited time in her parents' house, or do you guys hang out at her parents' place all the time? I've always had the same question when I watch gay couples having quarrels over not coming-out to parents or people around them on movies or hear such stories. Your partner might have had a history of conflicts with her parents over the topic or with someone else, or it might be some kind of her belief that is making her uncomfortable or her still not quite getting used to a life being gay, etc. Either way, I believe the decision should be up to her and her alone.
     
  10. Iwilldance

    Iwilldance Look! There's a girl dancing slowly in the shadow!
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    This! If she says she will come out when she moves, let her do that, wait a little. Shes an adult and she has her reasons.
     

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