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Transgender Dating; Genuine or Fake?

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by RuneBeau, Nov 4, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    How do you know if someone truly sees you as you identify?

    I've been talking to this guy and he knows I'm a trans man but every once in a while he'll say something that doesn't seem like something you would say to another guy. He was with the same girl since middle school and is now getting a divorce. Maybe he just doesn't have much experience with men but is still interested in being with one?

    He really wants to meet up but I'm worried that he's thinking he's getting something that I'm not. All advice welcome!
     
  2. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    I'm afraid I don't really know the answer. So far the people I've told I'm agender don't seem to see me any way other than cis male anyway...
     
    #2 Corvus, Nov 4, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2019
  3. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    Hey, how's things going?

    It's great you found a candidate, and all I can say is you just have to try out. My belief is we would never be able to know a person deep enough unless you live with the person, so to know what kind of guy he is, you just have to see, I guess. If you are still uncomfortable facing him, how about asking him honestly about what you worry about? Is he bi-sexual or closeted gay guy?
     
  4. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I asked him just now what his sexual orientation is, since it didn't show on his profile, and he said straight. :(  I don't understand why he would be filtering searches to look for men or talking to me if that's true but it doesn't seem safe to meet up with him. If he has an "oh sh*t, I just realized this is gay moment" it could put my safety at risk.
     
  5. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Oh FFS...

    Or remotely worth the bother!
     
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  6. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I just don't get it. Him telling me how accepting he is of trans people, being conscientiously aware never to use feminine descriptors for me, and saying that he doesn't care what people think of him wanting to be with me but then he's only into girls? What? That math doesn't add up.
     
  7. BiBiLife
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    BiBiLife Forever in debt to your priceless advice.
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    I'm sorry to hear of this outcome RuneBeau :(  I hope you will find someone who loves you and respects you for you.
     
  8. Ashley22

    Ashley22 Great Learner

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    Maybe he just hasn't figured it out for himself yet and is exploring other options. He could be testing the waters with his sexuality or identity. I thought I was staright up til a few months ago when I started questioning what I really felt like.

    I've been with my wife for 10 years and we have a 1 year old daughter. A shift from that consistency will make a person search themselves and re-evaluate their life.

    I'm an optimist so I say give it a shot if it is safe to do so, public place etc.

    Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
     
  9. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    If he were open to questioning his sexuality I might* have been okay with that but I don't think he's there yet.
    I'll give a gist of the conversation:

    Me: Is it okay if I ask what your sexual orientation is?
    Guy: Straight
    Me: I don't know how to feel about that.
    Guy: I'm sorry :( 
    Guy: I'm still attracted to you
    Me: I know I'm not completely male looking at this point in my transition but I'm not completely female either and I don't think it's very honest of you to pretend I'm a girl.
    Guy: I look at a lot of ftm porn lol you don't have to hide anything from me. (*yikes someone possibly having a T fetish is not what a trans person wants to hear ever.)
    Me: If you are attracted to trans men why say you're straight? Do you think trans men are a lie? Or is it because you're having a hard time coming to terms with your attractions?
    When people like me are in a situation where someone realizes the truth about themselves or about us that's when trans people are at risk for assault. So you can see how you identifying as straight is uncomfortable to me.

    He never responded after that. I am understanding of people needing to figure themselves out but it's dangerous for a trans person to be a part of that equation. If someone isn't ready to accept that part of themselves then they reject us and that rejection is at the least emotionally damaging and at the worst life ending.
     
  10. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    You just dodged a bullet.
    You deserve better.
    We all care about you so please stay safe.

    Choose 1;they're all true. You don't need that shit and don't even for a second believe that this is anything but his problem. None of this reflects on you in any way, shape or form. Big hug and remember that we love you :)  You'll find someone who's good enough, just don't settle.
     
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  11. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Damn right, Pedro.
     
  12. Ashley22

    Ashley22 Great Learner

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    Oof, my apologies. That did sound pretty gross.

    EDIT: do excuse me for my naïveté, I'm extremely new to all this, but in retrospect, thanks for the advice

    Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk
     
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    #12 Ashley22, Nov 6, 2019 at 1:41 PM
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2019 at 1:53 PM
  13. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    No worries I had no idea either until that conversation. I had been talking to him for about a month, most of which was fine, but there were a couple instances that gave me that 'somethings off' gut feeling. Don't ignore gut feelings most of the time they check out!
     
  14. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    Oh, FFS indeed! I've noticed there are bunch of cis guys who include FtMs in their screening selection along with MtFs and cis women through a website. They seem they've got the concept of MtF, but completely lack the concept of FtM. Are they completely clueless or do they have this fetish to trans people regardless of their genders or they just don't accept us as males, or any femininity even slight one automatically make them horny. lol Most likely they just don't respect or believe our existence.

    And yet, it's also true there are bunch of FtMs who are pretty feminine, speak and behave mostly feminine ways, wear make up and all to confuse everyone. I used to know this FtM who completely transitioned through SRS but speak like a drag queen (no make up or feminine clothing) while being straight (meaning he only likes women). Those cis self-claimed straight men might be after a type of FtMs...I don't know.

    Anyway, it's good that you could avoid a possible danger and wasting of time. It's very rude of him to stop replying to you after that, but at least he told you about himself honestly. It's a shame we still have to mull over a tons of things over who we should consider as our candidates to avoid risks.
     
    #14 zen, Nov 6, 2019 at 6:58 PM
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2019 at 7:00 PM
  15. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I definitely agree with you. Some men think we are 'women' and because we're trans, they also think we must be desperate and easy to sleep with.

    Other men I think are attracted to men but feel shame over it and view FtMs as a cheat to gay sex that is somehow in their mind less gay, or not gay at all depending on the amount of denial they have.

    The sifting process of trans dating wears me out but I don't want to be anyone's shameful secret or therapist. They can figure out their turmoil on their time.
     
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