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Could I be asexual?

Discussion in 'Asexual & Grey-Ace' started by Natasha Yates, Jul 9, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Natasha Yates

    Natasha Yates Lurker

    Jul 9, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    My name is natasha & I am 21 years old. I have 2 children and a husband. When I was younger I came out as lesbian because I realised I wasnt attracted to men, but then I noticed I was emotionally attracted to men. So I thought I was bisexual. And I have always thought this way but I know I am not a very sexual person at all, and I never have been. I dont look at males or females and get "turned on". I try and avoid any kind of sexual interaction where possible, but I also try to keep my husband happy and sometimes I can enjoy the emotional connection during sex and sexual activities. I never myself initiate sex as it just doesnt bother me and I would rather not do anything! I even try to avoid cuddles and kissing. Sometimes as I said I can be sexual but I deffinately prefer not to be. For me it's more for the emotional connection.
    Does anyone have any advice?
    Thank you
  2. angel70

    angel70 The Old Guy
    Beloved Member

    Apr 9, 2016
    +5,291 / 1 / -36
    We can develop emotional attachments to all sorts of people, no matter what our sexuality happens to be. All through life, we meet people with characteristics that satisfy some of our emotional needs -- and our emotional needs go far beyond our sexual needs. Probably our greatest needs are to be accepted and appreciated for whom we are -- because that helps us feel good about ourselves.

    We can't expect that from others unless we allow them to know whom we are. If we feel we have to hide facets of our true selves, we make that much needed acceptance and appreciation unattainable. It leads to a very lonely and dissatisfying life, even among friends and family.

    Of course, if we're hiding aspects of whom we are from ourselves, sharing it with others -- and gaining their acceptance and appreciation -- becomes impossible. I'm wondering if you came out as a lesbian when you were younger because you are a lesbian -- but never were comfortable with the idea. Then you met a man who wanted you, and it was a chance to relieve your discomfort. He's a good guy, and he's found ways to make you happy that don't involve sex. You're putting up with the absence of sexual satisfaction for the sake of comfort, stability, family, and a so-called "normal" life.

    I think it is very possible that you could be sexually responsive with another woman -- but that would mean giving up the satisfactions you have for something totally unknown and hence quite frightening. That makes it something you find literally unthinkable.

    I might be totally wrong about this, of course, but the fact that you came to an LGBT website for advice makes be think I'm not entirely off the mark. Now, I don't think for a minute that you'll go out and find another woman to be your sex partner: you have too many commitments, responsibilities -- and anxieties.

    It's time for you to do some serious introspection, though. Even if nothing in your life is likely to change (at least in the short run), you have to know yourself better. That's the only way you can make a truly informed decision regarding what you can do to find relief.
  3. Kahlan

    Kahlan Well-Known Advisor
    Beloved Member

    Jun 16, 2019
    NW USA
    +1,193 / 0 / -2
    Hi Natasha, and welcome to this forum. Hey, I'm also 21. :) 

    What Angel said is great, he always has good advice. I do know that it's possible for Asexual people to enjoy sex for the satisfaction it gives the other person, and not so much self satisfaction. You see sex as love making, and it's becomes more of a spiritual and emotional act than even a feeling or physical act. So Asexuality is a possibility, but what Angel said about emotional connections is right. I would love it if you were a lesbian...ok not for personal gain, lol, but for the sake of you being able to have an answer to your question.

    I did have a question though, does your husband know about how you feel regarding sex? You mentioned that you never initiate. That could have a negative affect on him, so if he were to better understand why, it could help. Everyone wants to feel desirable. If my gf, wife, husband, never seemed interested in sex, and it felt as though she were only placating my desire, I might begin to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong. A person in this situation over time may even start considering/finding this physical/sexual affirmation from others. it may be as simple as telling him why you don't initiate, and reassure him that he satisfies you but you choose to just be more passive.

    A way of thinking about "sex" and physical contact that might help you is this; do you want to have intimacy with your husband? If so, and it sounds like you do, then sex, or "making love" and all types of affection, hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, etc., is part of that experience. If you can associate the two as being the same as intellectual, or other types of non-physical intimacy, then you might be able to initiate more often. If you do not have a desire to be intimate with him at all, then Angel may be right on track with your orientation. Then again, I am also not an expert on this stuff. These are just random thoughts rolling about my brain.

    Addendum: Have you ever had an orgasm? Sorry if that's personal,and it's more rhetorical. You don't have to answer. If not though, you may want to try and be on top more,and control the situation so that you can achieve this. It could be a good way to learn about your desire, or lack of. Keep in mind that many women find it very difficult to have one until they are older. Your husband may have to "bear with you." lol
    #3 Kahlan, Jul 10, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2019

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