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Confusing friendship

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by LauraCaroline, Feb 14, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. LauraCaroline

    LauraCaroline Lurker

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    Hi, I'm Laura and I'm new here. I read some topics unregistered, and was always impressed by the amount of support that people receive here, so I finally gathered courage to ask for help myself.

    I'm in a beautiful relationship with my girlfriend, we've been together for almost 2 years and we also live together. She's great and loves me a lot and I can confidently say we're really happy. We're both gay, it's just that she's more of a butch type, while I'm definitely very feminine. Although I have always felt attracted to soft butch/tomboy types when I met my girlfriend I wasn't very attracted to her, it was her personality that made me fall in love. She's a wonderful human being and the sex is absolutely amazing. I have dated mostly femme girls like myself and when we've started dating I felt like 'wow, okay, that's what I needed, it feels finally right'. She always emphasised how she's attracted to me and how feminine and beautiful I am in her eyes.
    The thing is, something changed lately. I met a girl, we became best friends. Very femme like, very my type. I started feeling slightly attracted to her, but obviously I dismissed those feelings, as me and my gf are exclusive. But this new friend started doing very, let's say, confusing things. She touches me a lot, holds my hand, generally I got a very intimate vibe from her. There are people who are generally a little touchy - I'm one of them - but this is something different, like there was something beyond friendliness, maybe curiosity? What's interesting, we never touched on a relationship kind of stuff in her life. She's met my girlfriend and she knows very well I'm gay. She also has an active interest in LGBT issues, although when I asked her finally about that she said she was straight.
    It's all very confusing because she behaves in a very, very flirty manner (from my point of view) and I never saw her behaving like that with other people.

    The fact is, I do feel attracted to her.
    I know it might sound weird, but I feel like this very clear dynamic of my relationship where my gf is the dominant type and I'm so girly compared to her, doesn't fulfil my needs. I feel like I've always dated femme girls for a reason - but in those relationships I didn't feel totally satisfied either, and after some time thought maybe being with a more butch woman would feel more right. And it did, until now. I feel like there's something wrong with me, like why can't I just be satisfied with this great relationship that I already have? Why can't I decide whom am I actually attracted to? And why does it fluctuate so much, even within a relationship?
    Does anyone else feel like that?
    I don't know what to do and I'm feeling truly horrible.
     
  2. Former Member #2

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    It could be so many things, on her end and yours.

    You're not really quite ready to settle down, and maybe your current relationship has run it's course? Ask yourself how you would feel without your current gf...would it destroy you, or would you feel some level of relief? The answer to that may be very revealing.

    While you have downplayed the butch appearance of your gf as being not that important to you, there is still a dominant and submissive vibe to your relationship, and despite all the upsides, you just don't feel like you fit into this more passive role. Perhaps you favor a more mutual give and take as far as relational "headship," and this new girl scratches that itch for you.

    I think the above situations are playing into your intrigue with the new girl. The problem is that you are still very much in limbo with her. It is very easy for a lesbian to mistake close friendship from a straight girl as something more. I tend to be a "take their word for it," person, so if she says she is straight, that would cause me to not read too much into her friendly affections. Doing more...well, is maddening and may cause you to post for help about it on a forum somewhere. :p 

    You mentioned that she doesn't behave this way towards others...well, she either feels closer to you than others, or she is doing the typical straight girl who had a gay friend thing.,..over saturation of affection in order to cause chaos. If this continues to lead you down a road of temptation and confusion over her motives, then you might need to tell her to dial it back a couple notches. The enticing IDEA of a lesbian having the hots for her won't be so fun if she realizes she's a home wrecker in the process.

    I think you might need too, as a separate decision if at all possible, re-evaluate your devotion to your gf and decide if continuing forward is what you really want. You may be afraid of hurting her, but only the pathetic would want to keep a girl around who wants out. She would, in the end, be better off single, and able to look for a girl who is as into her, as she is into them. I do not mean any judgment on you by saying this, it is just the reality of it.
     
    #2 Former Member #2, Feb 14, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2020
  3. LauraCaroline

    LauraCaroline Lurker

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    Thank you so much for taking time to reply to this.
    Well, I thought about what you said. Can I imagine my life without her. For now, I know it's not an option. I'm very happy with her - although I must admit, even though I feel as such a bitch for saying that, she's a little bit too much at times. All over me. Very devoted. I like the sex, but I'm not crazily attracted to her physically, and I've never have been. It's difficult. Because at the same time she's a really great person, like really amazing.
    You said I'm not ready to settle down. I'm almost 27 years old. So many of my friends are in this long term, commited relationships. And I have been in way too many of them, very short lived, because I knew that was not 'it'. And I felt it with her for the first time. Despite the lack of straightforward physical attraction and that she wasn't exactly 'my type'. So if that's also not that, maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

    When it comes to 'new girl'... That's very wise of you to take the word for it. I definitely should be like that too. Maybe because I've dated girl who considered themselves straight before I saw this possibility with her too (and it started with a 'curiosity' and 'omggg a girl is attracted to me' on their side as well). I guess the excitement that comes with it is really thrilling for me. Ugh.
     
  4. Former Member #2

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    I know how it must have sounded that way. Originally I had intended to list the possibilities based on my opening statement:

    The, "You're not really quite ready to settle down," originally had a "1" before it, but I just removed the "list" format thinking it was too...sterile, but it still appears like a list, so I didn't actually mean it like, I know you're not ready, I meant it as, it's one possible conclusion, if that makes sense? Sorry for that confusion. I would never presume to tell you definitively that you are not ready for something that you yourself likely know more about. You are a few years older than I am after all.

    However, it still appears like it might be the case? I mean, in that I believe that if you felt like she was indeed your life partner, that you would not be having this crisis. Some people just take a longer road to find true happiness is all. There is no clock, no time limit, only expectations that yourself and others place upon you. Every experience, every relationship is a worthy experience that makes us more complete. Even a failed relationship has worth. Perhaps you are discovering how much or how little, "type" is important to you? It apparently still holds some sway over you, but isn't the end all be all either. Congratulations, you're normal. :p 

    I think this is rather universal, don't beat yourself up over it. Who doesn't like that sort of attention? It's what we do with that attention which matters. I hope you understand that I'm not advocating one way or another here. I just hope I can help clarify things in your own head so you can move forward in whatever way you see fit.
     
    #4 Former Member #2, Feb 15, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 15, 2020
  5. mike300

    mike300 Pretty Notable
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    who said that relatioships keep passionatily and active for ever? in both straight and gay couples, at some time, boringness comes and then u need something fresh and new to revive u...i think that u are in such a situation...u need something more..we all need something more actually..the problem is in human nature...
     
  6. Edmonde
    Sunshine

    Edmonde Hot Cookie
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    Exclusive relationships can be both rewarding and restrictive.

    This can be a happy situation or not, depending on a number of influences and how we might trade off being complete with being secure.

    I was in a relationship a long time ago. It was very exclusive and it time judgmental. It became toxic. Did either of us see this from the beginning? Well... no.

    We are changing all the time as life around us is always changing. What I have discovered is that we have to be genuinely happy to be who we are on the inside and complete. Falling in love on the inside is the best place to start.

    I have witnessed men and women who are happy with a shared third partner. Perhaps it is fate that thee souls came together.

    Judgmental feelings and selfishness are toxic to relationships. I discovered that being free to be me and having people genuinely accept and love me for it, was worth the hard work, sacrifice and the risk to bring others into my life, nurture them and be there for them always.

    How limiting one's love is (or not) can depend on many influences and how we handle those. Be free to love and be loved. Do the hard work and sacrifice for others that you genuinely care about.

    I discovered late that it is the person, not the shell that they occupy in life.
     
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  7. bi-fi signal
    Alienated

    bi-fi signal *bi intensifies*
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    hi, kinda late but welcome to the family laura!

    don't feel horrible, there's nothing wrong with u. when i was dating my ex, i loved her but (and i hate to say this) i do admit i slowly started to have some feelings for another girl. i really didn't want to and hated that i did and tried not to. what im tryna say is, unfortunately you can't control it your feelings and who you like.

    this girl could just be flirty by nature since she says she's straight, but you never know, she could be queer and may just not feel comfortable coming out rn.

    if you love your current gf even more than this girl, it might be best to not do anything w this girl rn, as she could just be playing around

    good luck, sending a hug :) 
     
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  8. Whynot
    Cool

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    Reading stuff like that really scares me. That's why I never had a long term relationship before.
     

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