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Confused? Very much.

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by ilikeicecream, Feb 12, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. ilikeicecream

    ilikeicecream Lurker

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    Hi, I'm 18 year old girl and I am kinda confused about my sexuality. I have never dated anyone, nor had sex. I mean, I don't think that there's something bad about being 18 years old and still be a virgin, but all of my friends (same age) already had at least like 3 boyfriends and all of them have a boyfriend at the moment, and I have also never really kissed someone, so I feel like there's maybe something wrong with me, god, I don't know.

    So, I have liked boys my whole life, I do find them attractive, I do get crushes, but whenever a boy shows any affection towards me I'm just like nonononono. One time in a club this boy like talked to me and stuff and then tried to kiss me, but I was like no, byeee. I don't know, if I'm just self-conscious about my body or the fact that I don't know how to kiss. Then there was one time, when a boy texted me on facebook and I was just like nope, what if he tries to like ask me out, I wouldn't know what to do, I don't want to go out with him. I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I did find both of these boys attractive and I find a loooot of boys attractive. Also, when me and my friends were younger (like 15) they always wanted to play spin the bottle and I always didn't because I didn't wanted to kiss anyone (I mean, I didn't wanted to kiss a boy, so I don't know if I had to kiss a girl if I wanted to???). I don't even know, if this is about my sexuality or the self-consciousness.

    Like I said my whole life, I have been attracted to boys, but since last year I also started noticing girls. I don't know, maybe it's because I thought hey, maybe you like girls if you don't want to date a boy, because whenever I watch some coming out youtube video, the person always says like I knew I was gay since I was like 13 and I started looking at girls and thinking huh, she's reallyyyy pretty when I was like 17. Also, when I watch porn I want to look at just the lesbian stuff, because whenever a guy is in the video I feel kinda weird and don't really want to look at him, but when I see a guy on a street I do find him attractive. But I also do find girls attractive.

    So, at this moment I think I am attractive to both genders. But here's the thing, I don't really know if I want to have sex with them. I mean I know that I feel uncomfortable, when a guy is interested in me, but what if a girl was interested in me??? IDK! This sucks, like am I straight, gay, bisexual or maybe even asexual??? I don't really know for what kind of advice I am asking you for, because you can't really tell me what my sexuality is when you can't see into my brain :D  , maybe i just wanted to get this out... I don't know, what do you think I should do? Am I just weird? Do you also feel this way?

    (English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry if I made any mistakes)
     
  2. GoldenSpaghetti

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    You’re not weird at all! I don’t think you are lesbian nor straight. The part where you mentioned that the idea of a boy asking you out and such made you kinda iffy and not like YES PLEASE doesn’t make you lesbian. It just means you just need to feel the bond closer before starting anything which is perfectly fine! Some guys can get real creepy and touchy and that makes a lot of girls, straight or not, uncomfortable.

    The porn part makes me feel that you definitely have at least some sexual attractions to females and that makes you at least bi in my opinion. Perhaps you are homosexual, biromantic? I’m not sure honestly bc like you said, I can’t peer into your brain XD.

    Don’t worry about a being a virgin at 18. PLENTY of people are still virgins at that age and who cares if you are a virgin or not? It’s up for you to decide when the time is whether it’s at 16 or 32. Whatever. Finally, you’re English is flawless! :) 
     
  3. AudryLeigh
    Batty

    AudryLeigh tGirl and Dedicated Advisor
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    Hi Icecream,

    First of all, no, there is nothing wrong with you. Also, you are not weird. There are many possible explanations of why you feel the way you do. To be intimate (as in to kiss) is to drop your defenses. A first kiss is to drop your defenses and leave yourself vulnerable to the unknown. Many people's sex drive overpowers their fear of the unknown, but for some people the drive to protect something as precious and delicate as their emotions -- themselves, overpowers the desire to experience intimacy. Many people have to first develop a strong and deep "friend" relationship with someone, before they can become intimate (or romantic, if you will). Such people sometimes refer to themselves as "demiromatnic". Also, intimacy at the level of kissing often leads to the deeper intimacy of having sex, and many people aren't comfortable opening themselves up to that level of intimacy until they believe they have found their one and only, the love of their life. This is less common than it used to be, but by no means weird.

    There are people, you already probably known some, whose sex drive is so powerful as to overpower even logic and good judgment. Such people generally will have intimate contact (kissing, fondling, etc.), even sexual relations with virtually anyone who they find attractive. As common as this kind of behavior is, more often than not, it results in relationships that end in grief and unhappiness, marriages between people who ultimately find they are incompatible, and unwanted pregnancies.

    Your reluctance to "give yourself up" may be stronger than most of your friends, but we are all different -- there is no right or wrong when it comes to deciding when and with whom to first explore intimacy, and your feelings for others.

    About being attracted to boys, and/or girls, there is also no right or wrong. I wish I could remember who said this, but it was someone I never expected to say anything so open-minded. What they said was "If you fall in love with a boy, then you are in love with a boy. If you fall in love with a girl, then you are in love with a girl." Also, it is not at all uncommon for girls to go through a stage where they find other girls attractive, and often become superficially intimate (i.e. kissing). A phrase I have often heard in relation to this behavior is "Who wouldn't want to kiss a pretty girl?" It's also not that uncommon for boys to go through a similar phase.

    At 18, it's unlikely that your hormones have settled to the point where your endocrine system, let alone your logical, romantic, sexual self will have you figured out yet. You don't really have to do anything except give yourself time for all this to settle itself out, at which point you'll have most, if not all of your answers.

    Bottom line is there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing weird about you. It's almost unnatural to NOT be confused at 18, and there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, period, regardless of age.

    I hope this has helped. If you want to talk further, you can PM me any time, for any reason. I'm here to help -- it's what I do.

    Hugs,
    Audry
     

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