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Bisexual Come out when married?

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by The Wind, Nov 21, 2020 at 5:31 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. The Wind

    The Wind Lurker

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    Hi!

    I am a 35- year old man, married to a wonderful woman. We have been married for 12 years and have four children together. They are 5-10 years old. I think I’m bi.

    I am attracted to women and I have always been aware of this attraction. I think that the female body is beautiful, sexy and it turns me on. I also really enjoy the romance of a guy/girl relationship.

    I grew up in a mostly Christian town, I went to church every Sunday, and I went to a Christian school. Sex was wrong. Homosexuality was wrong. Masturbation and porn were wrong. Drugs were wrong. Voting for the wrong party was wrong. Everything was wrong. Another part of my childhood was a lack of emotions. My mom never showed emotions and my dad was away with work a lot. The society that I lived in discouraged boys from showing emotions. So I have issues with understanding and expressing my emotions.

    My wife has always been very supportive of me. I periodically struggle with bouts of minor depression and she is always there for me. She helps me communicate and she helps me understand my emotions.

    As a teenager, I found myself in three situations where I was making out with guys. I was never aware of my emotions as a teenager, and I never reflected upon these situations. The last guy that I made out with was one of my closest friends. We were going to take it further than making out when he decided that this was ‘a bridge that he didn’t want to cross.’ We didn’t hang out much after that. During this whole process I never once reflected upon my own sexuality. In my head, I was a normal straight guy. And I lived this way for many years. I forgot about these experiences and lived a normal straight life.

    Recently I have been thinking a lot about a male coworker and I have realized that I have a crush on him. When he gets to work in the morning it brightens up my day. I really enjoy talking to him. I am happy that I understand this about myself, but I freaks me out! I am married and I shouldn’t be having crushes on others!

    I would like to come out to family and friends, definitely my wife. However, I don’t want to jeopardize my marriage. If my friends turn their back on me then that is fine, although I doubt that they would.

    My wife has trust issues. Or rather, the few times that I have broken her trust has been very detrimental for our relationship. It took a very, very long time to regain her trust. I am worried that coming out to her could somehow be misunderstood. I am terrible at explaining my thoughts and emotions; she is amazing at explaining her thoughts and emotions. If I somehow hurt her then I seriously worry that we wouldn’t be able to recover the relationship. There is a high chance that coming out to her would go smooth and it would work out. But still I worry.

    I suppose that I am also wondering what the point of coming out would be. I don’t intend to experiment with another guy, since my wife wouldn’t be alright with it (there’s not use telling me that there may be a chance, I know her and it would never happen). I don’t even know if I would want to experiment with another guy while married. At the same time, I have a really hard time understanding in what way I am attracted to other guys. I want to understand myself. I know that guy-guy porn does not work for me. How am I to understand this part of my sexuality if all I ever do is think about it?

    Is it worth risking coming out to my wife, if I don’t even intend to do anything about it?

    Any advice is greatly appreciated. Share you own story if you think that it could be helpful, or link (if that’s possible) other threads that address some of my questions.

    This is my first post here, or any other LGBTQ chat/forum. I hope that I didn’t step on any toes with what I wrote. It such a beautiful thing to be able to read all of the other threads to see that I’m not e with these types of thoughts and questions. :) 
     
  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    You are on a safe and wonderful site to be and find you and not be judged.

    I am going to walk a very fine line here and I am sorry:

    You are married and your wife has trust issues because you strayed with other women and it took a bit to repair after those?

    I am assuming you are going for a bi label but unsure of the homosexual reference.

    I know numerous bi people who are married with no intent to stray and their partners know they are bi and are not gong to act it, because they love their them.

    One more question for you. Can you accept you are bi and stay in a committed relationship or do you need to explore what bi means to you?

    You have a lot of things to work through and a wife who deserves to be treat with loving respect.

    Embrace you with loving care and move forward with love and respect for those around you.

    Peace - Jo
     
  3. BiBiLife
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    BiBiLife Still breathing
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    Welcome to our community!
     
  4. The Wind

    The Wind Lurker

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    Thanks for the reply! It feels kind of scary to be sharing this with other people! I’ve been holding it in for some time now.

    I understand how my explanation of my wife’s trust issues can be interpreted as me cheating on her. I suppose that I should have clarified in my initial explanation. There are a few things that I have done, the ‘worst’ being that I looked at porn. She disagrees strongly with porn, both with people looking at it while in a relationship and with the whole porn industry. I agree with her, but not as strongly. Or could it be that I am just agreeing with her, but if I was single that I wouldn’t have a problem with it? I’m not sure. Anyways, enough about porn!

    I’m not sure what you mean with ‘the homosexual reference.’ Can you explain?

    The rational part of me can accept staying in a committed relationship. I’ve been attracted to other women in the past, and I simply distance myself from them to avoid drama. I would probably do the same for men that I find myself attracted to.

    The other part of me will want to explore what it means to be bi. What do I like about men? In what ways do I like them? What kind of men interest me? I have had years to explore my heterosexuality, and now that I am in a committed heterosexual relationship and realize that I am in fact attracted to men (and possibly all genders) I will never be able to understand this part of myself.

    I am quite sure that I will be able to stay faithful to her and love and respect her. She makes it easy to love her! But I will always wonder what it would be like to be with another man (I think that I am romantically attracted to certain men, if I’ve understood the difference between romantic and sexual correctly).
     
  5. Gab-bi

    Gab-bi Dedicative Contributor
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    Welcome!

    I’m a 45 yr young woman, married with 3 children and about a year ago came out to my husband as bi.

    It was hard, and I put lots of energy in reassuring him that, though I’m interested in both man and woman, I’ve chosen him because he was and still is “the best of all the boys and girls”
    Calling it like this helped me and him.

    I feel much better now, and we now watch women together (celebrities in a movie etc): we know what we like about women (which for him is different than for me, this makes it even the more interesting), it can be lots of fun.

    After my coming out I have been afraid for a while that I would fall in Love with a woman because I had suppressed the feelings so long and finally was allowing myself to really look at women.
    It didn’t happen.

    Later on I realised not that much had changed. There lots and lots of man on the World, in the 29 yrs I’ve been with my husband I’ve met some nice man and had some crushes, but never met anyone better than him. He’s the man I want to grow old with.

    Now there’s more people that I like to look at, but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them.

    Well, that’s very short story about a journey of about a year.
    Maybe it helps you.

    Feel free to ask me if you have questions.
    My inbox is also open.

    Good luck on your journey

    PS: English is not my first language. Hope I explained myself well
     
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  6. Tzap

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    So many people here with similar/same question "should I tell my spouse". Most times I would say yes with a lot of talking before and after coming out to them. Most couples learn from this and like Gab-bi says can even have fun with it (me and my wife compare male actors/performers in a jocular manner) but it still doesn't mean I want to jump on just anyone, she is mine I am hers and that is that, we both talked about if I want to 'experience' but I can't do that to her again as I broke her trust twice before (she has done the same but not emotional/sexual just other ways) and we have grown stronger (I hope).
    With what you have wrote and your background (religion/beliefs) your story differs from mine and as such my advice wouldn't be the same. I grew up in 1970's/1980's Britain no religions learnt to cause hate but a lot of homophobic views and racism (Irish/Asian/Caribbean etc apparently all coming to take our jobs but in reality rebuild our economy, older Brits were preprogrammed this way), I met my wife while we was at senior school, we had on/off relationship until 17/18 yes old. I knew I had feelings for boys before this time but never chased the life I wanted, but I did settle with a woman who shared my interests and lifestyle and we continued to grow. 2 short meaningless affairs 4 sons 36 years and 12 years married I finally came clean about my thoughts/wants/desires/sexuallity, believing this would end us but needing to say something before exploding internally. My wife had the same upbringing as myself just as I believe your wife has to you, so this is the difference, we had a nonreligious pretty conservative open minded upbringing, so when I told her she was accepting (to a point) and has tried to understand better. She doesn't mind the idea of me watching m2m porn and understands I may have m2m desires and considers it as just more of me.
    With your backgrounds and upbringings I don't think this would be the case for you both, you lost trust from what we would class as minor trivial things (I know some will disagree porn is not wrong/dirty/shameful) so this revelation I could see as killing any trust. But for your sanity (I know thus feeling well) by coming clean and exposing your feelings you would (not immediately) feel so much better about yourself. So concluding for yourself speak out for your marriage say nothing.

    Good luck I hope you find yourself a safe space to be yourself.
     
  7. The Wind

    The Wind Lurker

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    Thank you both for your replies! I really appreciate that you've taken the time to answer me. :) 

    I think that I will talk to her. Now I just need to think of what to say, and wait for an appropriate time to talk to her. We have four children and she works nights, so there are not that many ideal times to talk during the week :/
     
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  8. Gab-bi

    Gab-bi Dedicative Contributor
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    Maybe you could start by telling her about your experiences in the past and see how she reacts?
    Good luck
     

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