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Bisexual Came Out To My Wife

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by La-chonk, Jun 29, 2020 at 7:39 AM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. La-chonk

    La-chonk Greenhorn
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    Yesterday I decided to tell my wife of 2.5 years that I feel like I’m bisexual. I was adamant that I didn’t want anything besides our relationship and that I’m so happy with her.

    I shared with her that sometimes i fantasize about guys and I’ve never actually fantasized about anyone before. I’m working with a therapist to really find out what it means and I know I’ve been attracted to guys in the past.

    I grew up super conservative so anything around sex was pretty much radio silence. My wife is the only person I’ve ever kissed or been intimate with.

    My wife has accepted me but I think it’s really difficult for her to process. I feel so bad because if I’d kept this to myself, she wouldn’t be experiencing any pain. But I know this was something that I’ve been thinking about for a while and I never want to keep things from her.

    Any tips on how to navigate this transition?
     
  2. 2453

    2453 Hot Cookie
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    First off congratulations.

    That's not an easy thing to do so you should be proud of yourself for doing it.

    I think a lot would depend on your personal situation but now that the gates have been open I suggest trying to keep the dialogue open and communicate.

    Let her know that she can take the time she needs to process this, but that it's been something you've wanted to be able to discuss with her for a long time and that not telling her up to now was not to do with her, but with your own insecurities.

    I told my wife before we were married but essentially have only talked about it then and a handful of times since then. I feel like it would be nice if I had made an effort to have more open communication in this area of my life. Simple innocent things like pointing out guys I think are cute and seeing if she thinks the same.

    I feel like I exposed myself to her and similarly to the others who I've told, only to cover back up and return to the feeling of hiding who I was, even though the truth has been told.

    Again. I'm happy for you. Big step.

    Sent from my EML-L09 using Tapatalk
     
    #2 2453, Jun 29, 2020 at 8:10 AM
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2020 at 8:20 AM
  3. Takusprite
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    Takusprite Dedicative Contributor
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    That's great that you were able to take that step and come out to the most important person in your life! It's not easy, and I've been right where you are.

    Now that you've told her, she's going to need some time to process what this means and how it might affect your relationship. You did just drop some heavy information into her lap after all, so it may take her some time to process everything. The most important thing for her to understand is that your feelings for her have not and will not change - in fact, you may even be able to tell her that her acceptance of this may make you love her even more. She needs to know that you love her, she's your person, and chose her not just out of all of the women out there, but out of everyone else too. She also needs to know that you have no intentions of cheating on her or of exploring this side of yourself outside of your marriage. You might also need to work through dispelling some of the common myths people believe about bisexuals, but mostly she'll want reassurance that you love her above all else.

    Now, coming from a strong conservative Christian background, she might also have some other concerns about your salvation and your eternal soul. If that's the case, there are a couple things you can tell her that might make this easier for both of you. One thing you can say (disclaimer: this is still more close-minded than what I believe) is that although you are bisexual, you have only ever been in a hetero married relationship - you have the feelings, but haven't acted on them, so your salvation isn't at stake (again, this is NOT what I actually believe, but for really conservative Christians, it's an effective gateway argument for them to understand). What I believe is that everyone has son, that there aren't any individual sins that are any worse than any other sins, and that Jesus died for the forgiveness of ALL sins. In other words, you're not going to hell just because you're bisexual.

    Again, give her time, but don't give her silence during that time. She needs reassurance that you love her above anyone else, and your feelings for her are the same and are as strong as, if not stronger than, they always have been. And reassure her that you're not going to hell just because you're not straight.

    Feel free to message me if you want to go into things further. I'll try to respond as quickly as I can.
     
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  4. Rural Artisan

    Rural Artisan Hot Cookie
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    Personally, I couldn't say any of that religious stuff (#3 paragraph 3) to justify myself as I'm worth too much. If I get banned for saying this then so be it.
     
  5. Takusprite
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    Takusprite Dedicative Contributor
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    And I agree that you should never feel like you need to justify yourself to anyone, including to your own self.
     
  6. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Hi Jake, well done for finding the courage to open up to your wife......took me 22 years to get to that stage (married for 20).

    The damage I have done to myself mentally and emotionally for hiding such feelings is severe.

    My wife has accepted me for who I am. My struggle is self acceptance and an enormous amount of guilt for keeping it hidden for so long.

    I have known that I was attracted to guys since about the age of 10. I had one girlfriend during school, which I think was purely to fit in, and then my wife. My wife is the only sexual experience I have had and I've never kissed or done anything with a guy.

    I am more attracted to guys and up until I met my wife I was convinced that I was gay. In my family liking the same sex would not have been welcoming back then. I remember my dad at the time calling me a 'puff' and a 'faggot' just cuz I had one ear pierced as all the lads was doing it back then. He didn't talk to me for days......can you imagine if I told him I liked guys....how would that go. Just one of the things that forced me in to deep denial, feeling dirty and discusting.

    It's took me a long time to start opening up, I only came out to my wife last year.

    Of course she was hurt and the way I went about it didn't help, using video chat rooms and seeing things......well you can guess the rest. But that was the way I started dealing with it.

    Your wife needs time to process things and as others have said, communication is key here.

    You will get the questions such as
    'Am I enough for you'
    'Are you going to leave'
    'Do you want to explore your sexuality with a guy'
    'Is it my fault, have I turned you that way'

    That's to name a few. All you can do is keep reassuring her and if your feelings do start to change and you want to move that way, tell her. Because if you then part you will still have the bestest friend ever who you can trust with your life.

    You sound exactly like me in that you have no intentions to explore that side and you are totally 100% devoted and committed to your wife. The questions by the way will never go away, the space between may become less frequent but they will come up now and then.

    My wife now cringes if I look at anything to do with pride, prior to last year she wouldn't have blinked an eye. I showed her the bisexual flag a few weeks ago just for conversation......big mistake. She thinks I'm trying to label myself and she can't (or is not ready) to accept that yet (not for everyone to see).

    I am also stuck now as to whether I should come out more openly. After 35+ years of hiding I just feel that 'staying hidden' is just gonna force me back in again. But then I argue with myself as to why does anyone else need to know.

    I also struggle with the fact that I have only ever had sexual attraction towards one woman (my wife).

    I have labelled myself bi but am I?

    My head is totally messed up and I find it hard to talk so I find it easier to put things down on paper and write poems.....that helps me.

    I've posted a few on here and will keep posting because that is part of my self acceptance, if it's out my head then it's something else I have been open with, even if it's to a community that doesn't actually know me. So you might see a few knocking around.

    If you need to chat feel free to message me. I seem to be able to give advice to others, just can't give myself advice.

    Take care, don't give up and most importantly keep talking.
     
    #6 curiousdud3, Jun 29, 2020 at 1:08 PM
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2020 at 1:14 PM
  7. La-chonk

    La-chonk Greenhorn
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    Thank you so much for this kind reply. It’s been a couple of days and she kind of goes back and forth between being comfortable with it and then uncomfortable. I think her brain is trying to just adapt to this thing that she didn’t know about me - which can be shocking.

    I feel a little bad for telling her because it feels like I just threw a wrench in our relationship for no reason. But, then again, this was eating me up and I needed to tell her because I can’t keep secrets.

    Thankfully, she’s meeting with her therapist tomorrow to process all of this change. I feel like it’s going to be a long road but I already am feeling more like myself.


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