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Bisexual Broken Man (Regrets)

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by curiousdud3, Jul 30, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Broken Man (Regrets)

    Here I stand, a broken man
    Trying to cope the best I can
    Guys are not supposed to cry
    We’re macho with our heads held high
    But alone I feel a shivering wreck
    With mixed up thoughts and mass regrets
    Regrets that I just can’t be me
    Regrets of the false man you see
    Each tiny thought I try to dissect
    But each tiny thought then becomes a threat
    A threat that I might be exposed
    Exposed to those who do not know
    They do not know the man inside
    The man for years that’s tried to hide
    To hide behind a forced on smile
    To hide the man who feels so vile
    He feels so vile because he lives a lie
    The lie that he’s not straight he’s bi
    But really should it be that bad
    To live a life and feel so sad
    To be bothered what some others think
    To live a life that’s on the brink
    Society has made a mould
    But it’s broke for those it cannot hold
    It cannot hold because we just don't fit
    So it’s time for society to stop and change it
    Change its view to a wider range
    To live our lives in the way we’re made

    © curiousdud3 07/2020
     
  2. BiBearSSNV
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    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    Heavy, but good, and true in many way for many men. Which mask shall I wear today? I think we all wear a mask to a certain extent. We put on what we think others want to see, and it may be different for different people. Some masks will only cover part of the face. Others all of the face. Some will show a glimpse of what is underneath, but some will hide all that is behind it. Which mask shall I wear?
     
  3. Tzap

    Tzap Well-Known Contributor
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    Today I will be wearing my full body mask, totally masc looking like a real man (ish), but I will also be wearing my pride bands on wrist, not quite hiding not quite out.
     
  4. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    I can't even wear anything to do with pride without being questioned or upsetting someone. So today, like everyday, i will be wearing my full body heterosexual mask (sleeves and gloves too)
     
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  5. Tzap

    Tzap Well-Known Contributor
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    I'm still waiting for someone to question my pride wear so I can upset them (tattoos are always on view and 8yrs not a question) and its way to warm to wear the full suit (sportswear today the shorter the better, its getting really warm already).
     
    #5 Tzap, Jul 31, 2020 at 1:40 AM
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020 at 1:41 AM
  6. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Maybe if your tattoos and pride wear are on show they assume and don't question.

    My biggest issue now is that my niece recently came out, exactly a year minus a day of me coming out to my wife. She went big bang, changed Facebook profiles to pride, went round to every family member and told them, rainbow tops, phone cases...... everything.....she's gone all out. And it's nice to see because I can see how she has blossomed since. But it's like I'm a bird locked in a cage seeing everyone flying free in front of me.

    So now obviously rainbow, pride etc. in my family are very focused because she's put it in everyone's face so if I was to wear anything my cover would be blown..... I'm not strong enough for that.... yet

    And people might think that it would be easier now she's paved the way......but she's young, free and single (well was single). Me....I have a wife, kids etc. Not so easy for me to fly and explain 30+ years of lies :( 

    Tzap ..... Sportswear :)  hope it's not bikini bottoms or Speedo's - or do I mean hope ? ;)  Pmsl lol :)  :)  :) 
     
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    #6 curiousdud3, Jul 31, 2020 at 2:03 AM
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020 at 2:04 AM
  7. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Correction.... not my biggest issue and not my niece. But family....... family is a big challenge
     
  8. BiBearSSNV
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    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    Dude, can I relate to this. Uhg, 25 years of marriage. Told my son years ago when he was struggling, but I don't bring it up now. Not sure if I could tell my wife. She is pretty insecure because of disability. Throw this in.... :( 

    How the heck did you tell your wife?

    Both my parents have passed, so no issues there, BUT my Aunt, Cousins and their kids are Mormon. Talk about issues with anything gay! In that respect Mormons are almost worse than Catholics. I am speaking in general, not all are. I am Episcopalian, and my particular church has no issues, though it would TOTALLY stun them to hear I was Bi.
     
    #8 BiBearSSNV, Jul 31, 2020 at 10:01 AM
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020 at 10:04 AM
  9. AhhDenial

    AhhDenial Curious Explorer
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    Wow that's real good. Did you write that or is it from a song??

    Yea I can relate a lot to it, and still struggle with it. I'm only out to a few close friends, family has no idea.

    It really is a ying/yang to me, being bi. It's like my hormones pull me in two separate directions, and don't know which way is up. And how you said a man is supposed to be macho and hold his head up and not cry, am the youngest of three boys so always had to be like them and put the rough exterior out there and it's so freakin exhausting.

    I don't really struggle with the thought of being with a guy as have been with a few, am completely out to myself, but not to the world. And feel like I have this effeminate expressionist side to me that wants to come out. It's not hiding being attracted to men that has me in a prison, it's hiding my true personality. I think that's why I resort to music so much to live in that world where my feelings can come flowing out without judgement.
     
  10. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Telling my wife was very difficult..... Thought it was going to finish us. She said she'd always known anyway. The thing that hurt her was the way I went about trying to find myself. Going into video chat rooms, forming a cyber friendship with a guy I had seen...let's say perform for others. Me and this guy really clicked and he helped me through some tough times back then. We never met, only ever WhatsApp messaged and nothing more than friends. That was too hard for my wife to deal with and caused lots of problems, nearly to the point of seperation and she tried overdosing. I haven't spoken to him since November, my marriage is everything to me. My wife is also very insecure and suffers depression and anxiety so things are still very tough at times.
     
  11. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    They are all my own words. I've posted other poems on here and more recently on a Poetry blog.

    If you want to read any at any time this is my blog profile

    https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/curiousdud3

    I've only ever had one sexual partner and that's my wife so I've never experienced that side. Thing is I'm dedicated to my wife so never will either.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jul 31, 2020 at 12:52 PM ---
    Tzap .....I'm trying blogging lol

    Poetry blog
    https://www.writeoutloud.net/blogs/curiousdud3

    My own site
    https://curiousdud3.wixsite.com/gettingbipoems
     
    #11 curiousdud3, Jul 31, 2020 at 12:51 PM
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020 at 12:54 PM
  12. BiBearSSNV
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    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    Thanks for sharing that. I "think" she knows, but am not sure. When we were first married for whatever reason she found some pics on my computer. That was bad, and nearly cost us our marriage. Some fast talking on my part saved the day. Not lies, but assurances I wasn't cheating and was just looking. I didn't come out and say, yep I'm Bisexual, just that I was looking and somewhat confused. Which was pretty damn accurate. Never talked about it since, and it has been over 23 or 24 years. She knows I look at porn and "pleasure" myself and has told me she understands, especially since there has been very little to no sex for a long time, based on her desire or lack there of mainly due to medical reasons. She does not know what I look at, porn wise.
     
  13. Tzap

    Tzap Well-Known Contributor
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    Wixapp/wixsite not working

    Glad your getting your work out for the masses, keep it up ;) 
     
    #13 Tzap, Aug 1, 2020 at 12:39 AM
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020 at 12:42 AM
  14. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Not sure why it's not working :( 

    I'm giving it a go, see if I can get any constructive feedback from other poets. I think I have found a release although I can only seem to write from hurt and pain :/
     
    #14 curiousdud3, Aug 2, 2020 at 5:06 AM
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020 at 5:07 AM
  15. BiBearSSNV
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    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    It is/was working for me. I even subscribed to your blog. It might nave been a glitch when Tzap tried.

    Art from pain is some of the best. NOT that I am encouraging your pain. Some of the best artists in the world create from deep emotion, passion.

    I wish I could give you a big hug and take that pain away. I do hope that the writing does help take the edge off. :big hugs:
     
  16. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    Thanks BiBearSSNV . Glad you got on the page. Could you see all the stuff I posted. Not sure what it looks like outside of my view lol.

    I do think IF ever I'm happy again, what words will I find to write because at the moment the emotions are just flowing out.

    Writing is helping to be fair. I can seem to get things out better in rhymes than I can in just writing or talking.

    Hope you enjoy any that I've written or will write in the future. You might even feel a connection with some maybe :) 
     
  17. BiBearSSNV
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    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    I feel a connection with many, my friend. You write from the same generation and with a very similar heart. Much of what you write, I would too if I had the skill. I write, but poetry is not my forte, in fact I write poetry almost as well as I draw and what I draw a mother would be hard pressed to put on the fridge and then only if she REALLY loved me. :D 
     

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