1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

"Borders" with straight female friends

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by DarkBanana, Jan 19, 2021.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. DarkBanana

    DarkBanana Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2019
    Messages:
    10
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Hey, like 6 months ago I had my coming out. Since then I am little bit struggling how can I act when I am with my female friends. Like I am trying to be carefully to not say or do something what could make them feel like I am hitting on them and be uncomfortable with it.
    Like recently I accidently hit my female friend's ass with my hand when I pass around her. Before I my coming out I would probably say some joke about it or maybe we didn't care at all.. But now I right away say "Sorry, It wasn't on purpose".. She said that it's okay but still her look in the face was kinda confused. (well I have big crush on her and she knows it, so maybe that was the reason).
    And when I am speaking with friends I am still kinda thinking about what I want to say... Before we had lot of sexual jokes about us in our group. And since my coming out I stopped saying them and other kinda follow my lead.

    So my questions is do you have any borders since you come out? Or feeling that your friendship change? Or is it only me?

    Also up I was writing about the friend I have crush on.. She knows it but we are still friends. She is totally straight so I would never do anything to make her uncomfortable but I still have problem be chilled when I am with her. Will it be better someday?


    //Also English is my second language so sorry for some mistakes//
     
  2. Gloria26
    Dreaming

    Gloria26 Hot Cookie
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2020
    Messages:
    31
    Ratings:
    +31 / 0 / -0
    Here's the thing...If you feel something makes you or the people around you uncomfortable then there are things that have not been said or explained or you know.."been out there in the open". Now I have a very specific use for the word "friend" and it's a word I use very rarely and with difficulty. And I'm not saying anything to patronize you or underestimate your relationship with your friends. Only you can define that. I believe that if your friends or you feel uncomfortable with you coming out you should be honest and say it and discuss and maybe both of you take your time to adjust to the "new" situation. My truth is that no real and strong relationship can ever be trully swayed by being yourself. Don't be scared to make jokes fearing that they might be misundertood. I make dirty jokes with most of the people I hang out with and who know of my sexuality and they're not even my Friends friends!

    As for your friend who you have a crush on..things get a little more complicated here. I've been in your shoes..I'm actually currently in your shoes :p  I met my best friend's friend last year and almost instantly I got a crush on her. She is 100% straight. I confessed my feelings and after not seeing or talking to her for a while we decided to start hanging out and it's been a ride ever since! It's very difficult to get over someone who you see and talk to almost every day. So, some periods we were taking breaks and not talking, other periods we were hanging out and trust me it's difficult, the ups and downs but she is an amazing person and I know I want her in my life, even if that means it's going to take a while for her to be there as my friend. She said she'll wait for me to get over it, we love and respect each other deeply and even though I get sad about our situation I know we'll make it. The thing is I've been over her romantically for sometime now but since I have some personal insecurities and issues I'm trying to resolve, combined with the fact that I have no other romantic stimulation in my life(and haven't had in a while) it's difficult to be around her and not hurt, while she moves on or gets crushes on guys. My advice is(and I know it's difficult..I know) take sometime away from your friend(she will understand if you explain and she cares for you) because honestly she can't be your friend, while you have romantic feelings for her. If you can't or don't want to do that try to de-construct her,de-idiolize her..if you think she is perfect in every way and only she can bring you happiness try to see that there are millions of people in the world and that out there, there's deffintely someone else more suitable for you(preferably homosexual :p  ) Speaking your truth, expressing your feelings will lift a lot of weight off your chest. Setting some boundaries (maybe avoiding a lot of body contact with her for a while) might help!
    Sorry for the really long post! Hope it helps you! Have a nice day! :) 
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. DarkBanana

    DarkBanana Greenhorn
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2019
    Messages:
    10
    Ratings:
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Gloria26: Actually I am glad that your post is so long, its helpful. Mostly the part about your crush.. We are definitely in same position! I met her even before my coming out and I have feeling for her since then (for 3 years!). She was always OK with me being gay... Even after I get so drunk that I was asking her if she is sure that she is not bisexual at least and we should "find it out together for sure" in front of her boyfriend. After that incident I was so ashamed that I was trying to avoid her... And she came to me and asked "Why you don't talk with me?" and since that moment I think she care about me as friend... But that different story.. If you want to talk about your crush you can send me message... It would help me too to talk about it to be honest
     
  4. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2018
    Messages:
    2,621
    Location:
    TN
    Ratings:
    +3,072 / 2 / -1
    Never give up being you.

    Friendships take communications. It would be sad to lose a good friend.

    I love what Gloria26 said.

    It is hard when you first come out but I am proud of you.

    Peace - Jo
     
  5. starlightprincess

    starlightprincess Active Veteran
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2020
    Messages:
    830
    Ratings:
    +1,143 / 0 / -2
    Hey<3 I know you have had other people answer so i'm just gonna add my experience<3

    I came out when I was 24 and ALL my friends at the time were girls and straight. One of them, my best friend, is super religious and her religion is anti LGBTQ. To make things even MORE difficult, I had a crush on her for years by that point, that's what made me realize I was Bi. I started to develop feelings for my best friend when I was in high school, but I didn't fully understand that's what was going on until later. At the time it started happening, it was really hard because we both had feelings for each other that seemed to be of that sort. If you saw our messages to each other back then, you would think it was 2 people in a romantic relationship. We were VERY verbally affectionate and it was very clear we loved each other more than anyone in the world. However, we were terrified of being lesbian or bi because we thought our lives would be destroyed, especially hers coming from a super religious family with her dad as the main pastor. Her family is the figurehead, the example for the entire church so it would have rocked their world big time. My friend told me we have to push those feelings down, to try and ignore them. If we stop thinking and focusing on them, they will go away. They aren't real. Every now and then, she would ask if those feeling for me were dissipating and I would usually lie about it, she would say they were pretty much gone for her. When that happened too, she stopped being verbally affectionate. She stopped calling me sweet names, saying she missed or loved me all the time, now she still does say she loves me, but only once a day before bed. Those feelings didn't go away for me though, and at 24, everything hit me and made sense, I was always in love with her. I told one of my friends that knew both of us and she said "you have no idea how long i've waited for you to say this". She wanted me to tell her, saying those feelings don't just go away, she prob still has them and now that we are adults, we could be together, if even in secret. I thought of telling her, but now i'm glad I didn't because her reaction to me coming out was kind of less than sellar. I had started liking a girl at school so I felt like I had to tell her what was going on, and she said "well I can't really be happy for you or supportive because I spent my entire life thinking that was wrong." She said it didn't change our friendship but that I didn't know how hard me being bi was for her. That was really hard=( She has since gotten a little better, i'm hoping she continue to get better.

    But anyway, in my case, that experience showed me no, we can't be together ever. It wouldn't work out and in all honestly, maybe that's a good thing. I know she would have had to choose between me and the rest of her life and I don't want her to do that. I also started seeing that there were things, little things, that kind of annoyed me and would be an issue in a relationship, but isn't such a big deal in a friendship. I also feel like if we were to ever break up, who knows if we'd be able to stay friends. I'd rather have her as a best friend forever than risk being romantic with her and possibly losing her. To this day, she doesn't know I had feelings for so long and in time, I started to not really feel that way anymore. I guess after seeing it wouldn't work out, I gave up and moved on, I put all those feelings and attention of that sort on the girl I liked because I felt like had a chance with her. I'm perfectly content now just being her best friend and never more. So, that may be something you end up doing with your best friend that you also like. If you know she's straight, there's probably no chance you guys could actually be together and I will say, it does take awhile to come to terms with that and make peace with that, but it is in NO WAY impossible. It just takes time.

    In terms of acting a certain way or making sure to not do or say things around your friends that may be perceived as hitting on them, I wouldn't worry too much about that. They love you for you, they became your friend for you. You shouldn't have to change parts of yourself just because you are now out to them. Just continue being yourself, i'm sure it will be just fine=)
     

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page