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Bisexual Bisexual & internalised biphobia

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by purpleboots, May 24, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. purpleboots

    purpleboots Greenhorn
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    Hello, I'm new to this forum!

    I realised a while ago that I am bisexual, but I tried to suppress it.
    I am terrified of coming out, but I also feel like I cannot keep it in anymore.

    I want to be able to live as me. I am in my 30s and straight-passing. I think I might have some internalised biphobia, partly due to my upbringing, and partly due to not feeling like I belonged in the LGBT community. I didn't understand the extent to which my silence was hurting me.

    I have barely come out to anyone. This would be the first place I have really come out on my sexuality.
    I also don't know where bisexual or pansexual fits best. Queer is increasingly making sense to me.

    Is there any advice for coming out? I'm also non-binary, but I am not ready to come out with that - I only recently acquired the language to start to describe my identity.
     
  2. john1010101
    Old Hag

    john1010101 Almost Gone
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    Welcome to this queer little digital coven.

    Don’t worry too much about the language. I’ve been trying to get my head around it for decades and not fully succeeded. The one I really can’t grasp is CIS gendered.

    Don’t worry too much about not belonging to the so called LGBT community. There are so many divided tribes within that alphabet soup, some of which actually dislike each other. I’m attracted to the description ‘queer’ myself. Some claim it’s insulting but I like using it to warn others ‘Be prepared for anything’. The other aspect of these naming conventions I find annoying is the presumption we never change. Not so. Take for instance my place in the gay male bedroom mazurka. Depending on who I’m with and which way the wind is blowing etc I can be a top, a bottom, both or not even think of any form of penetration. I also find it annoying the term ‘bottom’ is still to this day used as an insult by some gay men. Behind that nasty little game is a not so hidden misogamy.

    Anyhow, welcome to a safe place to talk about your feelings, preferences and even fears.
    As to advice on coming out it helps if we know something more about your situation, family, religious beliefs (or none) etc and if there are any risks in your place of employment.
     
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  3. purpleboots

    purpleboots Greenhorn
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    Hi, thanks for your welcome!

    I'm not religious, I have no idea how to come out to my family, but I live in a different country from them, so not the most pressing issue for me atm.

    I'm in a long-term relationship, my partner knows. I really don't know how it would be taken at work - I think a lot wouldn't care, but I think there would be prejudice too which could cause issues for me.

    My friends don't know (bar a couple). I am scared that it'll change their view of me. However, being in denial and silent seems to have caused me more distress. Its a part of me, and I think a much more important part to me than I have been acknowledging.

    I think some friends would be OK, but I still feel so overwhelmed with anxiety about telling them. Especially as I am with a man and so we pass as hetero. I don't want the, "you're straight not bisexual because of your partner" stuff thrown at me. I also feel a sense of shame that I want to tell people - I feel that is shouldn't matter to me because I am in an established relationship, but it does. I mean, my partner doesn't make my sexuality. I'm also really worried because I am way more attracted to females than male, and I have been suppressing that.

    That became a bit of a ramble, sorry.
     
  4. RobJFla

    RobJFla Lurker

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    Hello. I’m married to a woman and have had on
     
  5. purpleboots

    purpleboots Greenhorn
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    I did tell one friend (I blurted it out awkwardly) and she hasn't said anything negative, but did kind of just gloss over it. I feel a bit like she doesn't think that being bisexual is really a legitimate part of the LGBTQI+ umbrella, as in we face less discrimination because we pass.

    But I feel so invisible and like I'm faking it (heterosexuality).
     
  6. Tal

    Tal Greenhorn

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    I have had a similar situation and similar feelings! Just came out to my boyfriend, and we appear as hetero couple even though I consider myself bi/ pan. besides him, it's really just my one friend that knows. I'm really holding back telling other people because some days it just doesn't feel relevant, and other days I'm terrified about reactions I might get or people saying that I'm "faking it." But then there's a part of me that just wants to be honest and stop trying to dance around it from now on.

    Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk
     
  7. Tzap

    Tzap Well-Known Contributor
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    Its looking like so many are on this same thought path, I know I do feel like my sexuallity is totally irrelevant to everyone and then I want to tell everyone and then why should I tell anyone and then I'm not being fair to my wife and then I'm just a fake no matter what I say.
     
  8. purpleboots

    purpleboots Greenhorn
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    I can relate to this. Your sexuality is part of you and you're not fake.

    I've been watching a lot of bisexual youtubers and one of them referenced a bisexual identity development model which included as its final stage a "continued uncertainty" about one's bisexual identity. I don't know if I bi it (yep pun time ), but I do feel that there is an element of truth in it.

    Our sexuality is not irrelevant.

    If it's not too personal, how does your wife seem to view it?

    I don't think my husband gets it and I don't really know how to talk about it with him. Hetrosexuality feels like a performance to me - it always has - and to be honest, I kinda suck at it.

    On the plus side, i do think that bisexuality is becoming public in a more positive way (not just the tired tropes), though I'm still terrified of "coming out" and of accepting some of the complexities by personal bisexuality seems to throw up.
     
  9. Tzap

    Tzap Well-Known Contributor
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    How does my wife seem to view it ?

    Hmmm good question, she says with understanding and since we been together for 35yrs+, I haven't changed so nothing will change.
    3 months later no more talking, no more questions and trying to understand, no more intermacy. Asked her if its what I said "I like males as well as females", and all I get back is " no nothing like that its just my sexdrive seems to have gone ". So gone from healthy life to non in 12 weeks.
    IF you are going to come out to your husband be aware no matter how long you been together, how much you think they understand, its still can be a relationship killa.
    :( 
     
  10. Leda

    Leda Lurker

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    Hi :) 

    As I am reading through your stories I hve had the same feelings. I was with my BF and we had good relationship and sex but I am definitely BI ( some days more then others!) And unfortunately my country is pretty homphobic so I had some people say that I am faking it. It is always a risk because you don't know what people you have at work. I was so pushed to thinking I am a lesbian that I started feeling anxious about dating guys! Though I still get guy crushes and fantasise about being with a guy, having sex with a guy. I honestly shift between bisexual and asexual because of the anxiety it all caused me...
    I don't know if you had this feeling you just wanted to push yourself to one side but it feels wrong?

    Have a great day:) 
     
  11. purpleboots

    purpleboots Greenhorn
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    I'm so sorry! That sounds really tough.

    Maybe it'll take her a bit of time to work out. Or maybe she has some unrealised internalised biphobia herself? Or maybe something else.

    Regardless, I hope it gets better and that you are able to do things you enjoy during this time. You have support in this community.
     
  12. 2453

    2453 Hot Cookie
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    I came out to my wife before we are married, and she took it well and our relationship moved forwards without a hiccup.

    Before her I had a long term girlfriend who I came out to and it ended our relationship, so it really depends on how accepting the person you are telling is.

    I personally want to come out to everyone but am struggling with that.

    Good luck.

    Sent from my EML-L09 using Tapatalk
     
  13. proudlyodd

    proudlyodd Greenhorn

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    I’d say take the time With coming out to people, like do it when you feel comfortable with the time is right. The most important thing is that you have excepted yourself. I’ve personally only come out to friends and my sisters because those are the only people I’m comfortable with right now. I personally don’t feel like everybody needs to know right up front that I am bi. It’s just a part of me but it doesn’t defined me. I hope that helps is your mind a bit
     
  14. La-chonk

    La-chonk Greenhorn
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    I feel the same way. I’ve recently started to discover my own sexuality and I’m a married to a woman. I’m very happy with her and i know we will be together until one of us dies, but I’ve recently realizing that I am attracted to the same sex as well.

    It just doesn’t feel “relevant,” you know? Like why rock the boat? I’m afraid of appearing like I’m a “straight attention-seeker,” too.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  15. 2453

    2453 Hot Cookie
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    I agree with everyone's sentiment around coming out if/when you feel like it. Everyone's experience is their own and self acceptance is the most important thing.

    In my case my desire to come out publicly is over personal reflection of how many decisions I have made through my life time that have been dictated by the (imagined/potential) opinions of others. I have been working on being more authentic in all areas of my life, and in doing so I feel like keeping this part of myself quiet is me sticking with my pattern of avoidance.

    As a kid I actively sought out masculine activities, and avoided things that are typically viewed as feminine that I wanted to do out of fear of being seen as gay. I was already bullied and even though I had already knew that I was attracted to men, and have had some experiences with men, and knew in my heart I was bisexual, I was so afraid of judgement.

    I still am, but I am working on it.

    Do what is best for you. If I get the courage to open up publicly I will let you know how that goes.

    All the best.



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