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Bisexual As a child

Discussion in 'Bisexual & Pansexual' started by curiousdud3, Aug 1, 2020 at 2:44 PM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    As a child

    As a child
    Friends knocked the door
    Eagerly excited
    You were waiting for
    To hear the question
    As it left their mouth
    Asking your parents
    If you were coming out

    As a child
    We’d run around
    No care in the world
    And acting the clown
    Getting dirty
    And playing in mud
    Making as many adventures
    As we possibly could

    As a child
    I was building a wall
    To keep me safe
    And capture it all
    Capture all the emotions
    That were coming my way
    Trap any thoughts
    That I might be gay

    As a child
    I put on a mask
    To hide behind
    In case I was asked
    Because I didn’t like stuff
    Like the other lads
    Connected more with girls
    And their toys and fads

    As a child
    I couldn’t admit
    Or accept to myself
    That I just didn’t fit
    Fit in with the others
    They were not like me
    But I carried on
    I just couldn’t see

    As a child
    I wish I’d known
    Because the hiding continues
    Even now I’m grown
    That knock on the door
    Meant coming out to play
    But that’s not what it would mean
    If the door knocked today

    © curiousdud3 08/2020
     
  2. BiBearSSNV
    Caffeine Fix

    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    And how! I love your poetry, it is quite good.
     
  3. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    If the door knocked today...if I had my childhood again...I would not be hiding. I would be accepting my self from the start and if I was attracted to a boy or a girl then so be it. I would be out and proud.

    Growing up back in the 80s / early 90s and with the people that surrounded me, everyone was so judgemental. I had no confidence, even turned to food as a comfort and something else to hide behind..... another thing that fucked up my life, ballooned up to 410lbs. I was killing myself. If I was fat then no one would look at me right....I wouldn't be in any situation with either gender because I'd be to fat and ugly to even get approached. And that worked for me throughout high school and early adulthood. That was until I met my wife and felt what love was. Someone that saw deeper than the fat ugly thing on the outside. We sort of briefly spoke about my 'fantasies' for guys early on in our marriage and I was like "no, it's just fantasies, curiousity"...it was left there. And then last year when I came out to her she said she had always known I was bi and had no issues as long as I was faithful.....I think she realises now that it's harder to accept than just being faithful and she's trying to understand things....it's work in progress but it's positive and we are still strong.

    I did get a lot of confidence back because I got rid of the fat ugly guy, I had weight loss surgery about 10 years ago and managed to get down to about 170lbs.

    So going back to the question of how? If I could live life again from childhood I would be a different person...if that makes sense :) 
     
  4. BiBearSSNV
    Caffeine Fix

    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    You, my friend are my doppelganger! Take your story and duplicate it, put it in the US and BAM you have me. I grew up as a boy in the 70's and a teen in the 80's, had feelings for both genders. Was too scared to act on any. Fought weight throughout all adolescence. Where we differ, is I managed to drop enough to get into the Navy, but fought staying under weight limits my whole career. Got out, got married, had a similar instance with my wife, almost the same exact type of conversation, though we have never had the next conversation, because I buried it for her. I had a very stressful job and went back to the table, ballooned up to 400, panicked when I got there, went on a crash diet, lost 120, stabilized but slowly started gaining again. Up and down, fighting it! Finally in March of 2016 I had the gastric sleeve surgery, lost down to a healthy weight and have been maintaining.

    Now here I am, out only to my son and wanting more, but freaking out about it. My wife is ill physically and also somewhat mentally. I love her, but the no sex is adding to my pain. I am like a teenager again where my only sexual outlet is my fucking hand. I don't even get ABC sex! (Anniversary, Birthday, Christmas. For those that don't know).
     
  5. curiousdud3

    curiousdud3 Fighting the demons
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    How freaky is that lol. I had gastric bypass surgery in 2010, not sure if that's the same. I seem to maintain now between 196lbs and 210lbs.

    I do feel your pain and that wanting feeling.

    I have tried to explain to my wife 'how can I yearn and want something but don't actually want to do anything about it'.

    The issue with my sex life is me. My wife has always had the higher sex drive and has done all she can to accommodate my new side (minus bringing a 3rd person in because neither of us want to go down that path).

    I just feel guilty all the time.

    I'm here if you ever need to offload anything. A friendly ear to help you through the tough days :) 
     
  6. BiBearSSNV
    Caffeine Fix

    BiBearSSNV Daddy Bear
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    Gastric Sleeve isn't quite as extreme as the bypass. In Gastric Sleeve surgery, they remove the lower 2/3rds to 3/4s of your stomach, so it is like a sleeve. The easy way I like to explain it is that they change your stomach shape from the bota bag shape into a banana shape.
     
    #6 BiBearSSNV, Aug 2, 2020 at 11:50 PM
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2020 at 11:51 PM

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