1. Like the site? Help us keep it running! For $5 you can help keep the site running smoothly and disable ads for life. The site is funded by donations like this and minimal ad revenue: Click here to donate $5. Thank you!

anyone else got OCD?

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by werewolven, Aug 14, 2019.  |  Print Topic

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
  1. werewolven
    Moonlighting

    werewolven lycanthropy is just a metaphor for male puberty
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Messages:
    16
    Ratings:
    +17 / 0 / -0
    So as it turns out I most likely have OCD. I've not gotten an Official diagnosis but everything I've read is completely spot on, and I've had a lot of people with OCD corroborate that my experiences n feelings are very similar to theirs. I definitely have an obsessive over the notion I'm a transtrender or otherwise cis in denial. This seems dumb and you would think dysphoria would beat those thoughts down, but I can't control it at all. It got really out of hand at one point because I had no idea what I was experiencing was OCD. As it turns out, LGBTQ+ people with OCD can become obsessed with the notion they're faking their identity or they're in denial about their sexuality n whatnot, and I was wondering if anyone else deals with this?

    I don't really have any of the "typical" manifestations of OCD, like compulsions around hand-washing and number counting. It's mostly just obsessive thinking for me, with compulsions if it gets really bad.
     
    #1 werewolven, Aug 14, 2019
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
  2. AudryLeigh
    Alone

    AudryLeigh Proud tGirl
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    2,048
    Location:
    Somewhere Under the Rainbow
    Ratings:
    +2,771 / 0 / -32
    I'm not sure compulsive or obsessive thinking are part of OCD. OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and compulsive implies activity of some kind. OCD is not a trivial diagnosis, and without any of the "typical" manifestations, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a psychiatrist to agree with you. Also, "transtrender" is not a real thing. It's a slang term used to describe someone who isn't actually LGBT, but who feels left out, so they adopt the LGBT identity that is currently getting the most attention in their area. For example, around here, about a year ago, teenage girls in droves were "identifying" as pansexual. It was the "in" thing to be -- it was a current trend. Also, I'm not sure that "cis in denial" makes sense. If you're cis, what would there be to be in denial about? Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you don't have some reason to be questioning, and searching for yourself, but I think you are getting your concepts and definitions from other than a valid source. Word on the street, common knowledge, what your friends think, and Google are NOT reliable sources. We work very hard here to ensure that information presented on this site is correct and accurate. I'm male to female transsexual and have a formal diagnosis (from a psychiatrist) of having OCD, and none of what you're saying makes any sense to me. Dysphoria is sometimes referred to as "the great imitator" because it can manifest symptoms of many other diseases, and as a result is very difficult to diagnose. It is quite often misdiagnosed initially, with a correct diagnosis rendered some time later. There is no aspect of being any variation of LGBT+ that is a disease or condition, but dysphoria is a disease, and a very serious one at that. People with untreated dysphoria experience a frighteningly high rate of suicide (many sources put it at close to 50%). I cannot diagnose you -- only a psychiatrist, psychologist, or gender counselor can do that, but I can say that your post here indicates very strongly that you should seek the guidance of a professional. Whatever is going on with you is not trivial -- you should, for your own safety, be evaluated by a professional. Please stop relying on "other people," and what you read on the internet (which is notoriously incorrect when it comes to medical information), and consult an appropriately credentialed professional.
    Hugs,
    Audry Leigh
     
  3. werewolven
    Moonlighting

    werewolven lycanthropy is just a metaphor for male puberty
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Messages:
    16
    Ratings:
    +17 / 0 / -0
    I'm trying to have the benefit of the doubt but there's so much to address here. First of all, I can't address anything in good faith without bringing up the fact I'm more than extremely confused when you say obsessive thinking isn't a part of OCD. What exactly do you think the "obsessive" part means? I assume you're aware of the existence of intrusive thoughts and the role they play in OCD? This really just boggles my mind so I'm going to assume I misunderstood you saying obsessive thoughts aren't a part of OCD.

    When I say "typical" manifestations I should've clarified I meant compulsions that are outwardly visible to other people and are well-known as being associated with OCD. Like compulsive hand-washing, counting, organizing, cleaning, etc. Compulsions, however, don't have to be physical. Most of my compulsions are "checking" compulsions that involved obsessive self-scrutinizing. The more I look into this sort of obsession the more I realize how much of my behavior is dominated by it + performing mental compulsions. It's difficult for me to list them off because of how normal they seem to me.

    Getting professional help is not a magical fix-all cure, and I can't exactly conjure a psych before me to tell me with 1000% accuracy what's wrong with me. It's a process, and it could very well be my dysphoria looks like OCD or whatever, but forgive me if I get defensive about advocating for myself, because whatever I have doesn't want to wait for a psychiatrist's diagnosis. The coping mechanisms against OCD I've found online have been helping me a great deal and I still have no other choice but to rely "word on the street, common knowledge, what my friends think, and Google" because I currently still don't have access to a psych.

    I'm aware "OCD is not a trivial diagnosis." I had a nervous breakdown over my obsession and it still controls my life and dominates my thought processes today. I was suicidal over this obsession because I had no idea what I was suffering with and so it went completely unchallenged. As it turns out there is, in fact, an entire subtype of OCD that concerns feeling like you've faked your identity in one form or another. This is not the same as calling LGBTQ+ identities a mental illness. What I'm saying is I know I'm trans but even now and then my disease absolutely convinces me I'm cis in denial and I become completely miserable because I can't control these thoughts or challenge them. It's hard to describe because it's all very irrational and disordered.

    I'm more than aware a "transtrender" isn't a real thing, but I still obsessed over it regardless of how many people said "transtrenders" weren't real, and even today I still get hit with irrational flashes of it. And you're right, there is no rationale behind feeling "cis in denial" besides the fact I'm literally obsessed with it and can't stop thinking about it and therefore any situational evidence that feeds into my obsession rationalizes it. Sort of like a disorder that makes someone obsessed about something and feel compelled to perform certain actions or dwell on certain things.
     
    #3 werewolven, Aug 15, 2019 at 11:04 AM
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019 at 11:06 AM
  4. werewolven
    Moonlighting

    werewolven lycanthropy is just a metaphor for male puberty
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Messages:
    16
    Ratings:
    +17 / 0 / -0
    https://ocdla.com/obsessionalocd
    This is what I'm going to be bringing up with my psych. I deal with almost every bullet point on there and it makes my life hell. I know you said you're against misinformation but you're blatantly spreading it by saying shit like obsessive thinking isn't a part of OCD or all compulsions must be visible actions. Unless, like I said, I've completely misunderstood you.
     
    #4 werewolven, Aug 15, 2019 at 11:14 AM
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019 at 11:18 AM
  5. AudryLeigh
    Alone

    AudryLeigh Proud tGirl
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2016
    Messages:
    2,048
    Location:
    Somewhere Under the Rainbow
    Ratings:
    +2,771 / 0 / -32
    Well the diagnosis I got of OCD was based entirely on things I do -- activities, not thoughts. Just because it's obsessive doesn't make it part of OCD. I may be somewhat off track here, because I haven't actually reaearched it to the degree I probably should, as it doesn't interfere with my life. I'm not as obsessive as many people with OCD. I'm mostly compulsive, but not in an invasive way. I do things like turn all the cans in the cupboard so all the labels face forward, when my granddaughter leaves her coloring book, I line up her crayons, side by side, with the bottoms all lined up (it doesn't bother me when she comes back and in moments they're all in disarray again). I almost never grab a paper towel without folding it neatly into a "napkin." I sing Karaoke a LOT (5 or 6 nights a week), so spend a lot of time in bars (don't drink though). I very much like to have my "regular" seat but if it's occupied I just sit somewhere else (if it opens up, I will move to it though). I do all this very passively -- almost without thinking about it, and others hardly notice, but people do tend to save my seat in bars for me. [Side note, if you're going to do research via Google, you really need to go way past the first page of results. Blow hards and wannabes work hard to seed the search engine so their posts show up near the top of the list. Real researchers, medical people and the like (i.e. those with real credibility and accurate information) don't have time for that. They post once and go back to their research or practice. Also Wikipedia is NOT an authority on anything. Anyone can add to or change anything there, and none of the information is ever vetted. It is very important to work only with good information]. I may have misstated myself with regards to saying that obsessive thinking isn't part of OCD. It is, but according to my shrink it's not a causational factor, but rather the result of the underlying cause of the obsession (kind of a technical difference). Please do understand that I'm not trying to dis you at all, and know that I may well learn some things from you. My real concern is that you are working with good information. You really do need to get away from word on the street (WOTS), and what your friends think. That (although well meaning) really is just hearsay and rumor. A good example is the number of kids who believe that endocrinologists are "gatekeeping" the trans community by (arbitrarily) deciding who does or does not "deserve" hormones. A little thought should make it clear that doing so would be cutting their own throats. If they put someone on hormone therapy, it's guaranteed income for life. But they know better than anyone else the devastating results of someone who is not a proper candidate for hormone therapy taking them anyway. Kids who [think] they want to be on hormones but are denied by an endo often buy into the gatekeeping bs and self medicate -- an extremely dangerous thing to do. Such people usually, on down the line, develop serious mental/emotional issues, and are at very high risk of heart, liver, and kidney failure. Endos know this, and only deny treatment to people who are at risk. To do otherwise would be clearcut malpractice. So, just because street wisdom may say that hormones would "solve your problems," that is not a valid reason to bypass an endo and self medicate. Anyway, this is getting long (there's a joke around here that Audry doesn't know how to write short posts), but I want you to knocw that I've been doing this for a long time now, and I dearly love all our members and want to see each and every one of them find their true and authentic selves, and be able to enjoy living the lives they all deserve. I work hard to keep up with the most current research, and only present accurate information (as much as possible). I'm only human though, and do make mistakes, but when I'm wrong, I want to be the first to know. Please don't tell me I'm wrong though, based on WOTS, "common knowledge," what you heard from a friend, or some article you read on the Internet. Even organizations like the APA, and the various LGBT advocacy groups aren't always completely up to date with the most current research information. These are large organizations, and it can take some time for new information to percolate down to the articles etc. which they publish to the general public. When I am wrong, please either give me solid, well credentialed information, or tell me that you think I'm wrong, and I'll do the research. I don't like to give out inaccurate information, but have no problem accepting when I am wrong, or researching a subject to find out if I'm really right or wrong. I come from a background of scientific research, and know full well that the only way information can be kept accurate, especially in fields where things are changing rapidly and new things are being discovered every day, is by people posing well intentioned and well informed challenges to what we [think we] know. I may not always be right (though I usually am), and you may not always agree with me (that is your prerogative), but my heart is always in the right place. Please keep me informed of what's going on with you, and how you are doing. I really do care about you, and truly want you to have the life you need and deserve. I'm always around (except for some times when I get caught in a battle with my own devils and demons), and you can PM me anytime. Sorry about the long rambling post (Audry really isn't good at writing short posts).

    With lots of hugs and all the love in my heart,
    Audry Leigh
     
  6. Butterfly88
    Playful

    Butterfly88 Has fallen 87 times and stood up 88
    Moderator Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2017
    Messages:
    1,823
    Location:
    USA
    Ratings:
    +1,925 / 0 / -3
    I have been professionally diagnosed with OCD but for me it is mostly unrelated to me being LGBT. I think Audry is right that you usually have to have obsessive thoughts as well as compulsive behaviors. For me compulsive behaviors have included excessive handwashing, rubbing corners, counting rituals, and repeatedly checking if doors are locked. I did exposure therapy with a psychologist for a few years and it really helped me. Nowadays my OCD doesn't interfere with my life much anymore. So there is hope for OCD if you get proper treatment. Medication helps some people too.
     
    #6 Butterfly88, Aug 15, 2019 at 5:11 PM
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019 at 5:20 PM
  7. BiBiLife
    No Mood

    BiBiLife Whatsername
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2019
    Messages:
    1,576
    Location:
    Where the shadows run from themselves
    Ratings:
    +1,860 / 2 / -4
    I have traits related to OCD. Before going somewhere, I feel the need to check my bag multiple times to feel confident that I have everything I need. It kind of upsets if things aren't organized exactly as I would like, ie., knife blades facing the same way. However, I do not have an official diagnosis, and these tendencies do not have a significant impact on my life.
     
  8. werewolven
    Moonlighting

    werewolven lycanthropy is just a metaphor for male puberty
    Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Messages:
    16
    Ratings:
    +17 / 0 / -0
    I do have compulsions, they're just not outward actions. I feel compelled to constantly scrutinize myself and prove I'm not whatever caricature of a transtrender or detransitioner my mind is obsessing over. It becomes exhausting as it gets harder and harder to fight those thoughts. Dysphoria complicates things, but when I get in my own head like that I convince myself I've made my dysphoria up because uhhhh idk it's completely irrational. Some may say (some being my disorder) that this is "reverse-dysphoria" and being trans is making me dysphoric, but the idea I could end up being cis and regretting this trans stuff is deeply depressing and soul-sucking, not liberating at all.

    I do have obsessions outside of LGBT stuff though. I avoided learning how to drive for a while because I was convinced I was going to end up killing someone. I get pretty bad relationship obsessions, like worrying that I don't really love my partner and stuff like that. All my compulsions involve cyclical ways of thinking that reinforce my obsessions, because it can be really painful and scary for me to challenge then when they get bad.

    I should also mention therapy and counselling n whatnot are not very effective for me, because one of the fears that goes along with my obsessions is that if I tell anyone about them it will solidify that it's true. I'm unlearning this but it presents a complication to getting help.
     
  9. Thespis
    Balanced

    Thespis Blithe Spirit
    Former Staff Supporter Beloved Member

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2018
    Messages:
    1,214
    Location:
    UK
    Ratings:
    +1,220 / 0 / -9
    I would never in a million years qualify as OCD by any medical standard, and in posting here I'm not trying to trivialise in any way the experiences of people whose lives are genuinely blighted by this condition, but just in the interests of sharing...

    I'm totally with BiBiLife on the "needing things to be a certain way" thing. If you were sat with me in a pub/bar and you paid close attention to my behaviour, you'd notice that my first action after sitting down would be to place my beermat EXACTLY parallel to, and a given distance from, the edge of the table. If it's a circular beermat, I can satisfy my need for symmetry by placing it in the corner of the table, a precise distance from each edge. As drinking proceeds, every time I place my glass on the beermat I will spend some time checking that it is exactly in the centre of the beermat. It's not that I get distressed or panicky if it's not "just so" - it's just what I have to do.

    Likewise, if I am in a clothes shop (and this may be related to the fact that, many years go, I worked in retail menswear) and I find that the hangars are not in proper order of size, leg length etc., I will happily spend my time putting them all right. Basically, the shop gets a free staff member for 20 minutes! I like filing, too. If you want to keep out of mischief for a day, give me a great disorganised pile of stuff that needs sorting and cross-referencing into its proper order. Oh the satisfaction! :) 
     

Support the site and hide ads for life for $5. Click here to donate.

Share This Page