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Am I the only one?

Discussion in 'Gay' started by Wilfred, May 8, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Wilfred
    Depressed

    Wilfred Wanderer
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    All right, so I've got a little problem. I don't know where else to post this, I'm just guessing.

    So, in short, I’m an adoptee. I live with my 2 mums and...that’s all. I was adopted by them by them back when I was 7 years old. The big problem that I've been meaning to get to here is that if they found out that I’m gay, then I’d never come back alive from that one. Because I’ve got same-sex parents, I’m not supposed to be gay, that’d just confirm that stereotype. My mums have already had to deal with loads of unnecessary intolerance for ages. I’d just be worsening their lives by telling them that really super secret thing that I’m too embarrassed to even say aloud to myself.

    My mums have had to deal with little remarks that people have made about me. Such as assuming that I’m going to "become gay" just because I’ve got same-sex parents. They always get at least a tiny bit heated. And I've always ended up feeling really guilty when I hear about it. I just can’t bring myself to make their lives worse. I can’t allow them to find out the truth. They’d feel like they just confirmed a large stereotype to be true by raising me.

    And there's something that makes all of this so much worse. There's one cute minuscule boy that I've become infatuated with. It's like, why? I've got to be around him more often than I'd go for if it was my choice. I just want to get as far away as possible from him. He reminds me of how useless of a human I am due to how accomplished he is in every way that I'm not. And yes, as you might or might not have guessed, but everyone in real life either despises me or couldn't care less if I died or not. So don't bring up the "talk with someone in real life" thing. Because I've got no one that'll listen to me besides a few insignificant strangers on the internet.

    There's a long list of things that are wrong with me too that I'm constantly trying my best to hide. My spine's got a really odd curve, my right leg is slightly longer than my left leg, my ears are positioned in a bizarre way, my right hip isn't aligned with my left hip, my hairline is the weirdest in all of existence. I could be here all day describing how awful I look.

    I suppose I’m just wondering if anyone else can relate. Because I feel like I'm the only one in existence who's like this.
     
  2. Theory Elias Nygma
    Batty

    Theory Elias Nygma For there is nothing either good or bad
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    Do your parents give a fuck about stereotypes? I doubt it.
    It's wrong to assume that one would fit a stereotype, so of course they'd be pissed at people assuming you would be gay just because of your parents. Because your parents have nothing to do with your sexuality.
    Your being gay is just a coincidence. I doubt your parents have a problem with you being whatever you are. Just with others that say what you should be.
    Sounds like scoliosis. It's quite common these days. I had similar problems with spine, ribs, and hip, but exercise, dancing, yoga, and vigorous stretching fixed it somewhat.
    Low self esteem, feeling ugly, feeling apologetic about things you don't have to apologise for? Doubt you're the only one in this site.
     
  3. BiGenderfluid
    Feminine

    BiGenderfluid Great Learner
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    I would make them aware that your gay, but when coming out you dont need to come out to everyone. Additionally once you move out of the home you could move to an area where no one knows the connection between you and your parents and so it can remain a secret in the neighborhood where you grew up but you then would have the freedom to not be trapped into hiding your gay if you distanced yourself from the community you grew up in and live elsewhere. I am at a loss as to them actually taking it out on you that your gay. Of all parents I would expect a same sex couple to be more understanding than straight parents and I dont understand that other then that they might want the local community to not be aware because of the people who would make fun of them etc. So if able to move to another area where its a fresh start maybe this would protect them from the negative outcome of coming out and you will feel freedom as well to be yourself without having to hold back. Just saying this from my point of view. If I was in this situation thats what i would do. But not everyone can do this. It comes at a cost that might not be affordable etc.
     
  4. Wilfred
    Depressed

    Wilfred Wanderer
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    But...I can't tell my parents. Even if I move away, I don't ever want to speak to them again. I'm too much trouble for them. They don't need me, they don't want me around. Also, where would I possibly go to? You actually think that I'm going to tell even just one person too? Never, I can't let anyone know. I must keep it a secret from my parents even if it kills me.
    I'm not so sure. I just don't want to become a waste of time for them. It's a coincidence that I feel really guilty about. I can't reveal the secret of all of my secrets to them. Even if I knew that they couldn't care less, I still couldn't bring myself to tell them, it'd be much too embarrassing for me to actually say it aloud to anyone.
    Oh, yes, that. I was diagnosed not too long ago, it's not severe...but it's still there. Also, it's just that I feel like I'm the only one caught in a coincidence such as mine.
     
  5. angel70
    Supportive

    angel70 The Old Guy
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    I'm fairly certain that you're the first one on this site who ever claimed to have a hairline that is "the weirdest in all of existence." It's really piqued my curiosity.

    Body image is a problem for lots of young people who haven't figured out that other people really aren't looking all that hard. We see "imperfections" in ourselves that other people ignore because they're too busy obsessing about their own "deficiencies." I can't convince you of that, of course, but eventually you'll figure it out for yourself.

    What do you think your moms would say if you came out to them? What would they do? Bear in mind that you can't know what they'd think -- you'd just be projecting your own anxieties onto them, and almost certainly getting it wrong. When a couple adopts a seven-year-old, they can see pretty clearly what they're getting, so you should not doubt for an instant that they wanted you. Also, be sure they knew there would be some surprises along the way.

    As a lesbian couple, your moms know all about the problems of growing up gay, so they're in the best possible position to guide you through the thicket. The kids here whose parents are crazy-religious homophobes envy you. Trust your parents, and don't worry about "disappointing" them. Their joy is helping you -- so let them!
     
  6. Morfar
    Alienated

    Morfar The eye of the wolf in Lady Hawk.
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    So true, my friend
     
  7. AliceR
    No Mood

    AliceR Reliable Advisor
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    May I ask what makes you think your moms don't want you around?
    What makes you think it would make them happy if you stopped talking to them?
    What makes you think you're too much trouble for them?
    You have secrets? That's normal. We all do.

    Gay people have always existed, even back when marriage equality and adoption weren't legal for gay couples.
    Guess who raised those gay kids? Straight parents.
    So yes, sometime, there might be some gay parents who might have a gay kid. But guess what? That's because people are born this way.
    If being gay had to do with one's environment, then how come so many straight people have gay kids? The answer is because those kids were born that way. They didn't choose it.

    I have no doubt your moms do not care if you are gay or straight. They do not care what people think or what they will say about them. They love you as you are.
    And if you feel you have done anything in the past to wrong them, there is nothing a heartfelt apology and a good talk can't fix. Parents are extremely forgiving. If you apologize sincerely for whatever you did, they will forgive you.

    Think rationally about people who say, "You're gay so your kid will be gay."
    My answer to that is, "So what? So what if a gay couple has a gay kid? How is that a problem? How is being gay even a problem? How is it shameful? How is it hurting anyone around them?"
    Straight people need to stop making us believe that there is a problem with being gay. There is no problem with being gay.
    However, there is a problem with their hatred.

    Do not let the hatred of straight people hurt your moms the way it probably did in the past already. The ONLY way to let that hatred hurt your moms is for you to reject them because it turns out you are gay.
    Let them embrace you as you are. Let them love you as you are. Give them the chance to show you it is not a problem. They deserve that chance.
    Do not take that chance away from them only because of straight haters.
    Do not let the hatred of straight people tear your family apart. If you do, their hatred will have won.
    The only way to prevent straight people's hatred from hurting your moms is for you to keep being their child and for you to let them love you as you are and for you to remain a family. It doesn't matter if you are a gay family. You are a family, that's all that matters to your moms.
     
  8. polluxwest

    polluxwest Greenhorn
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    Wilfred this is extremely important. NO, you are not the only one. Im actually surprised I found someone speaking of the same things I concern over and over again.
    Everyday I can't stop thinking about the ton of things wrong with my body. I have a lot of birth marks around my neck and back. My mom says they're fine but I can't stop hating it. I have one leg slightly longer than the other (and the shorter leg has a slightly longer foot), which makes a slight curve in my spine. I went to 3 docs and they say what I have is minimal and doesn't really affect performing any sports (other than weight lifting) and the legs are 4mm different. Still I can't stop obcessing over it, see? Same goes with my teeth, my jaw, my birth marks, some marks I have from when I was fat, My nose (I had one partly unsuccessful operation and the doc says its really not worth operating but I feel really unconfortable) and the fat I have in my belly. Like Im not fat (68kg, 175) but I can't let go of this and feeling shorter compared to pretty much everyone else. I find my hands too small, the dots in my arms horrible (and more). Like I'm pretty much healthy for my age but this is a constant set of bad thoughts that make me feel like shit. I try to improve every part of myself all the time but I can't make it work at all. I spend too much time inbetween tasks and my productivity approaches 0.
    Sorry long text but THAT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING!
    I found the best boy on earth out of chance, we fell in love despite of all of this. I still feel like I dont deserve him, but he loves me still, and he (like everyone) has his flaws. Now he has to go to a different country for career purposes and Im torn, but c'est la vie. Dont give up
     

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