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Transsexual am I man enough?

Discussion in 'Transsexual' started by Thief King Bakura, Dec 2, 2018.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Thief King Bakura
    Caffeine Fix

    Thief King Bakura 盗賊王☆バクラ
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    I know this seems like a stupid question but it has something that has been haunting my mind for awhile. I often wonder how people see me...do I sound male enough? I'm sure I don't. Even nearly 10 months on T I still doubt myself you know? I know it's stupid but even I have a moment of doubt and weakness. So I ask a question, am I man enough despite not being born in a cis male body? I feel ashamed even typing this but it has been on my mind for some time.

    What brought this up is the fact that I still have trouble standing up for myself, even though i am a lot more confident than I used to me. If you guys met me three or so years ago, I wouldn't be the same person. I used to be scared of my own shadow, stuttering when I talked on the phone, and I walked through the world unsure of who I was, because I wasn't aware I could be myself and I didn't even know who I was. Sometimes I still don't.I even ask if I made a mistake transitioning. Logically, I know that I haven't made a mistake but I still foolishly ask myself this once in a while. Yeah, it's foolish. But I'm a fool once in awhile. I admit it. I'm a fool now who is doubting himself.

    I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and I usually try not to; be it my transitioning, to other cis males, or just to others in general. I know I have to find my own definition of what being male is to me. I still wonder though if I'm just pretending , afraid of people seeing through me, and my dysphoria kicks in still, especially when it comes to certain tumors on my chest that don't belong.

    They weigh on me every time I look at myself in the mirror, put on my chest binder before I go out, or just anytime i feel especially low. I'm ok with them being there and have accepted them until I'm able to get them removed via top surgery. But they are a reminder that I was born in the wrong body. Again, I accept myself but it still doesn't mean that I still don't suffer from dysphoria. Just cause it's gotten easier to deal with doesn't mean I still don't suffer from it. Guess some of it has been brought to the forefront cause of the bullshit I've been dealing with from my biological "family," I use that term loosely because I've stopped seeing them as family, they're just people I share blood with, nothing more.

    Am I too much of a doormat? I wonder because I've been so socially conditioned to be so. I've been trying to break away from this and have succeeded for the most part. But I have been questioning everything lately and this is what has lead to me typing this out. I am a sensitive person, I admit it. My sensitive side has someone dulled but it's still there. I wonder if I'm too sensitive to be a guy? I know I'm being stupid and I admit it but again I can't help but wonder.....

    I feel stupid for writing this but I feel like I'd be lying to you guys if I didn't. Am I a fool for thinking about this stuff? Or is it because everything that's going on in my personal life has brought these feelings of doubting to the forefront? I know I've made immense progress in transitioning from female to male and I'm discovering what being a boy means to me everyday. But I can't help but question myself. It's only natural I suppose.

    As I watch the snow fall outside my window as I type this, these thoughts fall inside me like the icy snowflakes blanketing the grass, covering everything with its white powder. However underneath the snow lays a fire, a burning desire to be more, and struggling to find a way to focus that burning flame into a progressive venue, to channel it into something purposeful like better advocating for myself, and challenging those who are trying to hold me back.

    But I feel I'm loosing my way. Am I male enough? I feel stupid asking that but I can't help but ask. Maybe I am being stupid. I don't know. I know if I wasn't being real with you guys, I'd continue to spiral out of control and I didn't want something to happen where I was triggered bad enough and I didn't want to do something I regretted. So here I am, foolishly typing this and putting my feelings out there.

    I don't know what else to say. Thanks for reading I suppose.

     
  2. Tights_and_Skirts

    Tights_and_Skirts Reliable Contributor
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    Yes, you are a man. There are sensitive guys, there are insensitive gals; it means nothing. You’re a man, as simple as that.
    Gin xxxxx
     
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  3. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Hi TKB,

    You say "I wonder if I'm too sensitive to be a guy?" Speaking as a cis male who was in a successful 28-year relationship with a hetero woman until she died, I'd like to think I'm in a position to give you some perpective on that point. I think you might be falling into the mistake of assuming that maleness = insensitivity (and, given the behaviour of some men, that's understandable :D  ).

    Some man-facts for you:

    REAL MEN don't hide their feelings. Failed men do.
    REAL MEN aren't afraid to cry. Failed men are.
    Only REAL MEN are brave enough to be honest about when they're feeling vulnerable or unable to cope. Failed men are too weak and cowardly for anything as scary as that, so they just bottle it up and put on the tough guy act. None of these failed men would ever have the courage to do what you've just done in posting your innermost feelings here.

    So, unless your objective in transitioning is to realise your destiny as a brutish, emotionally repressed ASSHOLE (and the world's got quite enough of those to be going on with, thanks!), I'd stick to becoming the REAL MAN you always were. Deal? ;) 
     
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    #3 Thespis, Dec 2, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2018
  4. Thief King Bakura
    Caffeine Fix

    Thief King Bakura 盗賊王☆バクラ
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    Thank you both for reminding me of what's important and for reading my ramblings. I appreciate it. You guys are amazing.
    [​IMG]
     
  5. Thespis
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    Thespis Blithe Spirit
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    Woohoo - I'm now officially an awesome nerd! :cool: 
     
  6. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    Every Trans man feels somewhat the same way, mate! It's only natural we turn out to be rather sensitive when we've been hurt and hurt by our fate since we were very young, who are going through the denials, accusations, disdains even from the closest people around us without saying all the medias, society, religion, etc. Plus, considering your very difficult family issues, I bet you are the bravest man around in your 1000 km radius. We are wading into the path of not many have gone in, and we don't have many role models around, too. Almost all the communities/groups/gatherings we've been through are established based on the hetero-normative to make us feel disconnected and alienated, in schools, family gatherings, friends, shopping malls, parks, churches, wherever we go. So when we get over these setbacks and still are happy to keep positivity in us, that alone is such a great achievement a human being can master.

    So, be proud of yourself, Bakura-kun.
     
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