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Transgender Am i doing the right thing?

Discussion in 'Transgender' started by Perrie.x69x, Feb 13, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Perrie.x69x
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    Perrie.x69x Dedicative Contributor
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    Bit of a change of mood from my last post, sorry.

    For the past couple hours, ive been sat listening to music thinking about what life would be like as a trans woman, and im having doubts that im doing, is the right thing to be doing. Ive no doubt that id much rather live as a female then a male, but what bothers me, i how i came to that conclusion.

    I spent the first 16 years of my life with a fair few problems like depression and really bad social anxiety, but i never had dysphoria. Not long after my 16th birthday i tried on a pair of tights for the first time. Was more of a turn on then anything else tbh, but after a couple months i would find myself wearing them more and more often, and at times id find any excuse i could to stay alone in my room to wear them. I bought more and more feminine clothes like tights and skirts because i enjoyed it so much, but i didnt know why?

    I knew by early last year this was more then just something i enjoyed for the fun of it, and i found myself here. Even then i never really had much problem with my more masculine figure. Probably a couple months after i joined here, i started to not like having a penis, i didnt like my broad shoulders or my body and facial hair, i didnt like my deep voice. And im to a point now where i cant stand most of my features, infact all i do really like is my long hair and very feminine hands.

    So in about 2 years, i went from trying on a pair of tights, when it was more of a sexual thing, to completly hating being male and being desperate to change that. And thats what really bothers me, i know a lot of trans people go for most of their lives hating their bodies and wanting the change that, but surely it would happen in just 2 years? Like if i hadnt been curious and tried on that pair of tights 2 years ago, would i not have any of the problems im having now? Would i be fine being male with no desire to change that?

    Im not going to understand why i am the way i am, all i want to do is start a transition to be more comfortable with myself, but if i grew to hate my body in that short time, could i start HRT then not really bothered and all of a sudden i want to be male again? I really dont understand anything at this point.
     
  2. Jo A
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    Jo A ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    I am blessed in the fact I do not struggle with this. I love letting my gender be female and my sex, male.

    I have a lot of compliments on my clothing, which is women's and the love of my earrings is funny some days.

    I am blessed that those around me accept me as Me and it feels good.

    For me to get here, I embrace and learned to love myself.

    I hope you can do the same.
     
  3. Alsthom
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    Alsthom Princess Chick Pea
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    I'm in the same situation, except my time of ignorance was longer, I was 20 when I found out.

    My take on the situation of dysphoria "developping" is as such:
    We always had some discomfort with what we were born as, but we didn't know it was coming from.
    Then we learnt about being trans, and that made us able to pinpoint the origin of the feelings of dissociation, which in turn made our self-loathing focus on the responsible characteristics.
    The point is : it's not that we didn't have dysphoria, it's that we didn't know it was gender dysphoria.

    That says it all, doesn't it?
     
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  4. RuneBeau
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    RuneBeau Polyromantic Demisexual Trans Guy
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    I think when you've lived your whole life with gender dysphoria it just becomes background noise and it isn't until you experience moments of gender euphoria that things start to click.

    It was very difficult for me at first to pin point moments of gender dysphoria in my childhood, but when I reflect on my life currently I find myself frequently saying "things I know are dysphoria now."

    Once that egg cracks it's hard to ignore how uncomfortable we are. It's like you've learned you're in a burning building and need to escape from it. You might not have realised it then but you would have figured it out eventually.

    Some of the large cracks in my egg came when my partner asked me to wear a strap on for him. I wanted to believe it was just a kink but I knew there was more to it than that.

    We allow ourselves more expression and exploration in sexual spaces than in day to day life. It's not uncommon for trans folks to discover themselves in unconventional spaces but that doesn't make us any less who we are, although it can be extra confusing.
     
  5. Jo A
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    Thank you Alsthom for being you.
     
  6. Perrie.x69x
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    Well i mean, yeah i guess.

    I just dont really understand how i could hate my body, and my voice, but not i know i hated it?
    Ive learned a lot more about the whole trans community, i just cant accept the fact that i am part of that community, i cant accept the fact that i am transgender. It just feels wrong.
    So far knowing all of this hasnt made me feel hope that i can be happy, its just made everything worse, i couldnt tell you how many times ive considered suicide, and how close ive come to doing it. But i never would have thought about that before i knew i had dysphoria. Im trying my best to see the good in the future, instead of the bad stuff now, im just really struggling to do that.
     
  7. Alsthom
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    You know that feeling when you KNOW you've forgotten something but you can't place what? It's not exactly the same, but it makes me think of that.
    Did you use to think that someone could hate their voice just because it sounded like who they were supposed to be? Our brains have weird ways.

    Could it be because you now know that you could change it, but you're held back by something?
    If not, it does need to be adressed before anything else.
     
  8. Perrie.x69x
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    Perrie.x69x Dedicative Contributor
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    What holds me back is the thought of living life, as a trans woman. And going through all of it completley on my own. If i had more people in my life who i could actually turn to, i could get over my transphobia, but only being able to turn to people over the internet isnt really the same. You all defintiley help me a lot, but yano, its not the same as having people i can actually talk to
    --- Double Post Merged, Feb 13, 2020 ---
    And that problem comes from social anxiety
     
    #8 Perrie.x69x, Feb 13, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
  9. Alsthom
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    Alsthom Princess Chick Pea
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    Have you tried searching for a local LGBT+ group or association?
     
  10. Perrie.x69x
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    Perrie.x69x Dedicative Contributor
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    Ive never really thought to. Just because meeting new people is already a really difficult thing for me to do, meeting new people and talking about stuf like this is a whole hell of a lot harder.
     
  11. Alsthom
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    You wouldn't have to fear a negative reaction there, and you don't have to open up right away.
    You could find people to actually speak to, who could support you more actively than we can.
     
  12. Perrie.x69x
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    Sorry it was late and i was tired.
    Ill have a look another time when im in a bit of a better mood, im just pretty down right now. Puts me off wanting to do anything tbh.
     
    #12 Perrie.x69x, Feb 14, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2020

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