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Am I confused? Gay? Bi? I have struggled with this for too long...

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by hun6ry, Sep 10, 2019 at 5:32 PM.  |  Print Topic

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  1. hun6ry

    hun6ry Lurker

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    Sorry for the wall of text, I just need to get this out there and figure myself out. I'll give a little backstory, I am 24, male, and have been confused about my sexuality for years. I would say 7 at this point. I internally have said that I am bisexual or bicurious, but now I do not know.

    I have never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend for that matter) and only gone on dates with girls. The only sex that I have had up to this point is a few hook ups with girls in college. It had been after meeting at a party, or at the bar. So I have never had sex sober.

    Once I got to school, I discovered that I was into exhibitionism online, after watching gay porn and amateur videos/pics. I discovered certain subreddits and started posting my own, and self-identifying as gay online. I kept my online and real-life separate. I continued to internally say that I am not, in fact, gay. That I will find a girlfriend, and that will be in the past.

    This happened for awhile and I started playing with dildos, plugs, and fingering. I determined that I was more of a submissive type, and that I loved things up my ass. I did not really think much of this, but have as of late. I bought a video and posted it on a porn site, and a guy messaged me who is in my area and into fisting. I started watching videos and it has since become a huge sexual turn on. I went to his apartment, but never had the courage then to try anything (worry of STIs, of confirming that I am gay rather than bi), but we reconnected a few months ago via text.

    Now I have still tried to tell myself that I am bi, rather than gay, but I don't know what is true. I would snapchat a girl I met on a hookup app, and one day I sent a video where I started touching my ass. She asked if I ever fingered myself, and I went into how obsessed I am about fisting myself and about the guy that wants to train me. We talked about everything, and it was the first time I was truly honest with someone after the fact and went through my whole sexual history (I had never even thought about how my only sexual encounters with girls were after drinking or that i'd rather bottom with a girl with a strap-on over fucking her. At least at first.) We talked about how I may be gay, and I tried to tell her that, but I then blocked her and have gone back to saying to myself I am bi.

    I feel like I want a relationship with a girl, long term. I watch regular porn and solo cam girls. But maybe it is because I havent accepted myself for being gay? I don't know if I do it as affirmation or not. But then I go right back to gay porn, talking dirty to dudes online, trying to fist myself. I question who I am and what I am. I know I shouldn't "worry about labels" but I want to at least be honest with myself and accept myself, gay or bi.
     
  2. zen

    zen Curator, Royal Academy of Inappropriate Handshake
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    I think you’ve written the answer to your question here in a way, sexuality is a spectrum for many people and you are bi leaning largely to gay. You might be affected by the social pressure to like girls and behaving accordingly, true, but as long as you get off from watching straight porn and have sex with girls, then you are at least not gay at this point. Gay guys don’t do that. You might later turn into total gay, though. There are guys who got married to a woman, had kids, and later found out he’s gay. There are many bi people here on this site. You would learn many of them have preferences over either of sexes. How about reading the threads in Bi section of this site? You def is not the only one who’s confused with his sexuality. Cheers.
     

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