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Transgender Alone.

Discussion in 'Questioning & General LGBT' started by Alex Dawson, Jan 17, 2020.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Alex Dawson
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    Alex Dawson Trans-male
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    My whole life I have been escorted out of the room by anyone and everyone.

    When I was younger I was a problem child and everyone, my family, my schools, my "friends" treated me like you would treat a tiger; with caution from a great distance. It was as if I was a disease everyone was afraid to catch so they left me be and hoped maybe I would buck up and fly straight.
    My life hasn't been that tragic, I will admit I am privileged and I owe my family a great debt. But recently it feels like I have been treading through water with weights around my ankles slowly being pulled deeper and deeper down into the watery abyss... and they're just watching me, from a great distance, with caution.

    I recently came out to my immediate family (my mom, dad and little sister). My little sister accepts me but still misgenders me in fear that the parents will gang up against her. My father uses the dead name and wrong pronouns constantly, my mother has been using "AL" instead of my birth name, but still uses she/her to describe me. I know they care about me, but every time I correct them on my correct pronouns my mom gets angry and says "I'm not in the mood to deal with your philosophies right now." What does that even mean?

    We're a little tight on money at the moment, so I can understand why they won't let me see a therapist but I feel alone. Isolated. They have been increasingly hostile to me lately and I can't figure out why. They love me, I know they do. But it feels like I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

    I'm scared.

    I don't want to be transitioning and make a mistake, maybe I am not trans. Maybe they're all right. Maybe I'm just a useless lesbian. I just want the world in black and white. Questions with straight answers. I feel like a man, i always have, but in a world that wants to isolate you for being yourself... maybe I should take the path of least resistance and just comply.
     
  2. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Your role in life is not to suffer just so that your family is not inconvenienced. Live your life to the fullest while being true to yourself. Some people won't be able to follow you where you go and that's ok...that's why you meet other people along the way :) 
     
  3. Kahlan

    Kahlan Reliable Advisor
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    They just don't know what to do with you or what to make of you Alex. That's about as simple an answer to a very complex issue that I can come up with. The human brain accepts a reality, get accustomed to that reality, and is trained in that reality over a long period of time. It even grows fond of that reality. Then one day that reality is shattered, and the person responsible for changing it, (you) is wondering why they can't just accept the new reality. Because their brain has been conditioned to live in a reality and now it is different. There will always be resistance to this sort of "trauma." Because in a way, that's what it is to them, just like it has been for you. Only you've been living with it, wrestling with it for years, they just got told one day, "I'm a dude." I think parents love their kids, that's the obvious one. But they also fall in love with having a son, a daughter, and with that son or daughters specific personality. They fall in love with their kids potential to succeed and live full and happy lives, complete with hopes and dreams and yes, expectations, even delusions of grandeur..."they will be superior to everything I was." Give your parents time to adjust to this new reality that their brains are having to cope with. I think the biggest mistake all parents make when confronted with jarring new realities about their kids is they have trouble understanding that you are still their wonderful child. Regardless of any and all the "shit": you throw at them, you are still that person they love...they just have to be reminded of that from time to time. So while you try and cope with how you are being treated, maybe you guys can cope together, reach new understandings, etc.

    I know this didn't directly address your feelings. I know that I tend to isolate myself from others when I feel like I'm an outsider or in over my head. Find acceptance in those who are woke enough to have gotten over their gender/orientation hangups. And hang in there. *hugs*
     
  4. Alex Dawson
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    Alex Dawson Trans-male
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    I get that they need to adjust, it just feels like it's been a while now and I'm not forward enough. I stopped correcting them on my name and pronouns because I get tired of them responding negatively. I know they love me, it's just hard.
    I appreciate the advice, it's insightful and hopefully more helpful than I can process right now. Thank you.
     
  5. Corvus
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    Corvus Agender chatterbox
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    Yeah, I've done the waiting game and got nothing from it. I told my wife I was agender, I got an "ok" from her and then for months it was like the conversation had never taken place. She even told me in several occasions when I tried to push the subject "to me you're a man and you'll never be anything else" or "I'm straight and I married you so you're a guy". I tried being patient and understanding but what really helped things was to go back to the conversation but to listen instead of talking. I asked her what was on her mind regarding my gender identity and what were the roadblocks that were preventing her from accepting it.

    Later when I told her I was asexual as well it went a lot better because I could say it in a way that made her feel safe. As unfortunate as it is, when you tell people close to you that you're LGBT the first thing on their mind isn't "How does this affect their life?" but "Oh shit...how does this affect me?" and they just go into a mememememe spiral and forget that at the end of the day it's not about them...you're not LGBT due to anything related to them and you being gay/bi/trans/whatever doesn't "make" them anything.
     
  6. Kahlan

    Kahlan Reliable Advisor
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    That's very insightful. I think most of us are inherently a bit selfish, so we fear what the decisions of those close to us, particularly a child, a parent, a sibling, a dear friend, will mean for us first. I think what you said before about your wife, and asking her pointed questions that make her feel understood and cared about may work with Alex too:

    Alex, you might consider using the same approach on your parents regarding this. Also, if you have one parent that is more dominant than the other, consider approaching the less dominant one first in private on the matter, and then get together with the other one. Divide and conquer. A weaker parent will often defer even their own brain to the other when in "group" situations.
     
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