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Advice for a first timer

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Nina_03, Jun 9, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Nina_03

    Nina_03 Lurker

    May 21, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Hi everyone,

    In need of advice.

    I met a friend about 10 months ago and it has been an intense friendship. That has resulted in me having feelings for her (I thought I was straight until I met her and have been working on my feelings).

    The thing is I think she feels the same for me, but I'm sure she hasn't realized yet.

    We spend all of our time together, she has become in recent weeks a little possessive. We have a deep admiration for each other, when we are together we laugh, we cant just sit there and not talk and still have an amazing time.

    She has always been very vocal in telling me she loves me (don't know if applied as friends) and a couple of days ago she texted me saying "i love you a you don't know how special you are to me..." And she also wrote me a letter that said that she was so happy to have met me, for all the laughter, the experiences, the feelings ..." Again she ended it with (...).

    But the possessive thing has become an issue, because our mutual friends say she is keeping me all to herself and my family has also pointed it out.

    Last night we went out with some friends, she didn't want to go but she went in the end, it was all great until I posted a picture off all of us. I didn't post the selfie of the two of us and since I was a little tipsy I blurted that I wouldn't because people were already saying things about us.

    She got mad and then told me that she was tired of me accepting what everyone else said, and of everyone having issues with us being/ spending time together and that it was obviously having effects on me, so that she would back off.

    However through all of this, she has a boyfriend (long distance relationship) and they've been together for years. She has admitted on ocassions that there is no more passion but that she chooses him because she knows he is the perfect checklist guy.

    We have been all good in oir bubble and stuff, but he is arriving in three days and I think that is what has her stressed. And made it all combust yesterday.

    Today she wanted to spend time just us alone and go to a very nice place, and she told me that she knows she'll have to take her boyfriend there but that first she wants to go with just me.

    Now I'm very confused if she has feelings subconciously for me, or if I'm making it up in my mind, if maybe she knows how I feel and doesn't want things to change.

    Most of all I don't want to lose her friendship. But I don't know what to do, and I feel that when we are trying to solve this issue with a conversation, we are not saying everything so the blanks are killing us.

    Advice please!
  2. Jo A

    Jo A Addictive Advisor
    Premium Supporter Beloved Member

    Nov 22, 2018
    +531 / 0 / -0
    First welcome to a safe place.

    You will need to decided but from what you have written, her boyfriend is and will be part of her world.

    The sad part is she wants you as well.

    Can your heart be happy being the other person?

    I am guessing you are happy with who and what you are and you would love to open your heart and soul to a person who is willing to share theirs heart and soul with you in the same way.

    Never stop caring and loving yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserver.

    Long soft gentle hug and I wish you and your heart well - Jo
  3. BiBiLife

    BiBiLife Whatsername
    Beloved Member

    Jan 26, 2019
    Inside my head
    +1,634 / 2 / -4
    You two need to have a conversation about your relationship, stat.
  4. Blacktgirlanimefan

    Blacktgirlanimefan Well-Known Advisor
    Beloved Member

    Feb 11, 2018
    +293 / 0 / -4
  5. Nina_03

    Nina_03 Lurker

    May 21, 2019
    +0 / 0 / -0
    Gosh! Do I know! But I have no clue on how to even start it.

    Like for all I know she truly believes I'm straight.

    Like two days ago we were talking about life and out of nowhere she said "I need you to get a boyfriends, I really need you too" so who knows how to start that conversation rolling.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jun 9, 2019 ---
    Sadly, I know he is, and worst part he sounds all an amazing guy.

    But if she needs time I'll give it to her. It's so sad for me to say that right?
    #5 Nina_03, Jun 9, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  6. San_Junipero

    San_Junipero Greenhorn

    Jun 7, 2019
    +4 / 0 / -0
    Maybe she's telling you how you need to get boyfriends to see your reaction. And to see how that goes. So she could be testing you in a way.
    My other guess is that she knows how you feel and she likes you in a way, but maybe not THAT way. Or not enough to want to try something with you.

    Either way, I think friendship based on things unspoken or lies always turns into some kind of unhealthy thing so I'd always go and suggest you to have an open conversation about what both of you want. You need to ask her what does she want from you and you need to tell her how you feel. That's the only way to know it for sure.

    Also if she really wants to be with you, the next step would be for her to leave her boyfriend because cheating is wrong and if she tries something with you at the same time while keeping her long distance relationship with her boyfriend, the whole thing could become really tangled and messed up for all of you.
  7. BoogieWoman

    Jan 25, 2019
    +10 / 0 / -0
    Reading your original post, I could have written it myself.

    I was in almost exactly the same boat as your last summer. Apart from one big difference, it was ME with the partner (I’m married), and not her. But everything else you describe, was exactly the same.

    I don’t really have any good advice for you to be honest. I didn’t tell my crush how I truly felt, and she ended up moving to another country. Not telling her was/is a big regret, and it’s taken me 6 months to really get over her...but I have, just about.

    We remain friends, but from a distance, and our relationship is nowhere near as intense as it was. She did change my world though - I now identify as Bi, whereas my entire life I thought I was straight.

    You say you have ‘feelings’ for her. Do you want to have sex with her? Do you guys flirt with each other?

    Honestly, if your feelings are anything like mine were and you think you have a chance with this girl, or even if you are willing to risk it, i’d just tell her and take it from there. Good luck whatever you decide!
  8. Funk Pirate

    Funk Pirate The poly, naughty bi-trans futa ^^ happy to chat
    Moderator Beloved Member

    Mar 15, 2019
    Norfolk, England
    +389 / 0 / -0
    I agree with BiBi, that you need to talk about your true feelings to her. Its clear she has feelings for you, even if not sexual.

    The thing is if feelings are left they can soon sour, so best to talk and be open, then that way she may be able to do the same with her bf, as she is clearly not happy with how that relationship is.

    I think you need to take a leap of faith, otherwise this will just build and make you both feel uncomfortable or at worst cause other issues (like stress and resentment).

    Ofc you know best, so follow your heart as it will guide you true.

    I hope this helps.


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