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Advice for a first timer

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by Nina_03, Jun 9, 2019.  |  Print Topic

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  1. Nina_03

    Nina_03 Greenhorn
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    Hi everyone,

    In need of advice.

    I met a friend about 10 months ago and it has been an intense friendship. That has resulted in me having feelings for her (I thought I was straight until I met her and have been working on my feelings).

    The thing is I think she feels the same for me, but I'm sure she hasn't realized yet.

    We spend all of our time together, she has become in recent weeks a little possessive. We have a deep admiration for each other, when we are together we laugh, we cant just sit there and not talk and still have an amazing time.

    She has always been very vocal in telling me she loves me (don't know if applied as friends) and a couple of days ago she texted me saying "i love you a you don't know how special you are to me..." And she also wrote me a letter that said that she was so happy to have met me, for all the laughter, the experiences, the feelings ..." Again she ended it with (...).

    But the possessive thing has become an issue, because our mutual friends say she is keeping me all to herself and my family has also pointed it out.

    Last night we went out with some friends, she didn't want to go but she went in the end, it was all great until I posted a picture off all of us. I didn't post the selfie of the two of us and since I was a little tipsy I blurted that I wouldn't because people were already saying things about us.

    She got mad and then told me that she was tired of me accepting what everyone else said, and of everyone having issues with us being/ spending time together and that it was obviously having effects on me, so that she would back off.

    However through all of this, she has a boyfriend (long distance relationship) and they've been together for years. She has admitted on ocassions that there is no more passion but that she chooses him because she knows he is the perfect checklist guy.

    We have been all good in oir bubble and stuff, but he is arriving in three days and I think that is what has her stressed. And made it all combust yesterday.

    Today she wanted to spend time just us alone and go to a very nice place, and she told me that she knows she'll have to take her boyfriend there but that first she wants to go with just me.

    Now I'm very confused if she has feelings subconciously for me, or if I'm making it up in my mind, if maybe she knows how I feel and doesn't want things to change.

    Most of all I don't want to lose her friendship. But I don't know what to do, and I feel that when we are trying to solve this issue with a conversation, we are not saying everything so the blanks are killing us.

    Advice please!
     
  2. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A Active Veteran
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    First welcome to a safe place.

    You will need to decided but from what you have written, her boyfriend is and will be part of her world.

    The sad part is she wants you as well.

    Can your heart be happy being the other person?

    I am guessing you are happy with who and what you are and you would love to open your heart and soul to a person who is willing to share theirs heart and soul with you in the same way.

    Never stop caring and loving yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserver.

    Long soft gentle hug and I wish you and your heart well - Jo
     
  3. BiBiLife
    Studious

    BiBiLife Whatsername
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    You two need to have a conversation about your relationship, stat.
     
  4. Blacktgirlanimefan

    Blacktgirlanimefan Blm, graphic design and tgirls
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    Agreed.
     
  5. Nina_03

    Nina_03 Greenhorn
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    Gosh! Do I know! But I have no clue on how to even start it.

    Like for all I know she truly believes I'm straight.

    Like two days ago we were talking about life and out of nowhere she said "I need you to get a boyfriends, I really need you too" so who knows how to start that conversation rolling.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jun 9, 2019 ---
    Sadly, I know he is, and worst part he sounds all an amazing guy.

    But if she needs time I'll give it to her. It's so sad for me to say that right?
     
    #5 Nina_03, Jun 9, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  6. San_Junipero

    San_Junipero Greenhorn

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    Maybe she's telling you how you need to get boyfriends to see your reaction. And to see how that goes. So she could be testing you in a way.
    My other guess is that she knows how you feel and she likes you in a way, but maybe not THAT way. Or not enough to want to try something with you.

    Either way, I think friendship based on things unspoken or lies always turns into some kind of unhealthy thing so I'd always go and suggest you to have an open conversation about what both of you want. You need to ask her what does she want from you and you need to tell her how you feel. That's the only way to know it for sure.

    Also if she really wants to be with you, the next step would be for her to leave her boyfriend because cheating is wrong and if she tries something with you at the same time while keeping her long distance relationship with her boyfriend, the whole thing could become really tangled and messed up for all of you.
     
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  7. BoogieWoman

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    Reading your original post, I could have written it myself.

    I was in almost exactly the same boat as your last summer. Apart from one big difference, it was ME with the partner (I’m married), and not her. But everything else you describe, was exactly the same.

    I don’t really have any good advice for you to be honest. I didn’t tell my crush how I truly felt, and she ended up moving to another country. Not telling her was/is a big regret, and it’s taken me 6 months to really get over her...but I have, just about.

    We remain friends, but from a distance, and our relationship is nowhere near as intense as it was. She did change my world though - I now identify as Bi, whereas my entire life I thought I was straight.

    You say you have ‘feelings’ for her. Do you want to have sex with her? Do you guys flirt with each other?

    Honestly, if your feelings are anything like mine were and you think you have a chance with this girl, or even if you are willing to risk it, i’d just tell her and take it from there. Good luck whatever you decide!
     
  8. Funk Pirate
    Horny

    Funk Pirate The poly, naughty bi-trans futa ^^ happy to chat
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    I agree with BiBi, that you need to talk about your true feelings to her. Its clear she has feelings for you, even if not sexual.

    The thing is if feelings are left they can soon sour, so best to talk and be open, then that way she may be able to do the same with her bf, as she is clearly not happy with how that relationship is.

    I think you need to take a leap of faith, otherwise this will just build and make you both feel uncomfortable or at worst cause other issues (like stress and resentment).

    Ofc you know best, so follow your heart as it will guide you true.

    I hope this helps.

    ~Fiona.
     
  9. Nina_03

    Nina_03 Greenhorn
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    So much has happened since my last post... And so much hasn't.

    To give you all a small briefing, her bf arrived. And we met. He seems like a nice guy, yet the first thing he told me was that he was surprised at how close we were and that he even thought for a while that she would announce that we were in a relationship, to what we both spit our drinks. Then he said he was joking and proceeded to give me thanks for being her friend.
    Also my family suspects, because one of my parents spoke to me practically begging me not to be a Lesbian, or bi or anything other than straight. And booked me a meeting with a psychologist, since they are convinced that I am confused (I haven't denied or accepted anything as of yet) because of some traumatic experiences in my childhood.

    She left for about a week with her bf and we texted all the time, even thought I told her I wouldn't text her, she wrote constantly. Her bf even admitted when we met that she was anxious and constantly looking at her phone so at one point he just said "text her" all of this I have to clear up still just friends... None of us has spoken about any of our feelings, if they exist or not, but there have been many comments by close people about our relationship.

    Isn't is weird that her bf of a decade, would think thats was in a relationship with me and just waiting to see him face to face to admit it??

    However, we haven't yet spoken properly because we are always surrounded by peopld, but she has told me that we have so much to talk about. However I'm pretty sure it has to do about them, and their relationship.

    I have no clue what to do... But it's killing me slowly this situation.

    My sister straight forward asked me if I liked her, but I wasn't able to answer her. And she just said that she would support me whatever I decided. But my parents they will flip if I come out, one of them is already stressed about suspecting it.
    And through all of this, I'm not even sure I can label myself. Because she is the first person of the same gender I feel for.
    --- Double Post Merged, Jun 26, 2019 ---
    I
    I agree! For a second I thought I could, but None of us deserve that path....

    And maybe she's confused, or I'm confused, who knows!
     
    #9 Nina_03, Jun 26, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2019
  10. Kahlan

    Kahlan Dedicative Advisor
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    This, totally. I've been ..ok your post is a mess of different episodes in my life, from being the 3rd wheel, to , well being the 3rd wheel again, and with my parents suspecting, and movies I've watched, and my mind was all over the place with what to say after your "update," but in the end say something before it's too late and the BF becomes more than just the BF, ya know?
     
  11. Trash Punk
    Mellow

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    Listen to the other posters and face this head on. The worst she can say is no. Good luck!
     

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