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  1. cloudykitty
    Wishful

    cloudykitty Greenhorn
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    My teenager appears to be taking more steps toward who they are. They now want us to use a different name and non-binary pronouns when addressing them. It seems to be easy enough to do on a computer but we were on a walk yesterday and I couldn't get past not using the traditional given name and born pronouns. I feel like it's a big adjustment, after over 15 years of things being how they have been. I'm not sure if the name and pronoun change is something they are just trying on for a while, or if it's going to be permanent. Also, it seems like they aren't telling Dad about this as much as me. We are in the same house, however, I'm working from home 40 hours a week so I don't see what is happening for most of the day when in the office.
     
  2. Alsthom
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    Alsthom Princess Chick Pea
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    Hello!
    I'm a 21yo baby trans woman who still lives with her parents. I asked them (and the rest of my family) to use my chosen name and feminine pronouns a bit over 3 months ago. Most of them are good with it now, with the occasional slip.
    It is mostly a habit to break, and a new one to get, and that comes with time.

    That you can ask them, just make sure to ask it in a way that doesn't say "When are you going to go back to normal?".

    State your support and let your child know that if you use their birth name and pronouns, it is only by mistake from habit, not because you disapprove.

    You seem to be a great parent. Keep going like that.
     
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  3. PokemonAnime
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    PokemonAnime Great Learner
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    I agree with this statement. The fact that you make the effort to understand, to the best to your ability, shows your teen just how much you care about them. If it would make you feel better to verbalize it to them then by all means go for it. I'm sure they would love to hear it said in your own words. I am also sure they understand that slip ups are bound to happen as you adjust to the name and pronoun changes, after so many years of habit.

    As for the bit about asking about the time frame of their name and pronoun change, be very careful about how you word your question like Alsthom said. It is important they don't feel like you are making light of their identity. They may have figured out who they are already, or they may still be in the process of it. Either way, the name change and pronoun usage is still clearly very important to them. If you do decide to ask questions I strongly suggest to emphasize that you understand the significance of their preferred name and pronoun preferences.

    Good luck and keep on being a understanding parent! It means a lot to the LGBTQ+ community as a whole when parents are allies. :D 
     
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    #3 PokemonAnime, May 20, 2020
    Last edited: May 20, 2020
  4. Jo A
    Innocent

    Jo A The Legend of LGBT
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    Alsthom is wise on this.

    I accepted me at 62 and changed my names.

    People have known me for a long time and have issues with my pronouns but all I ask is they try.

    My mother is now supporting me and told me she always thought I was fruity and uses my name.

    My date tells me I belong in hell and uses my given game (ok one he used my new court name).

    You are an amazing person and you are loving and trying. No one is perfect but you are rather close :) 

    Thank you for keeping us informed.

    Jo
     
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  5. angel70
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    angel70 The Old Guy
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    Concentrate on the name, and don't worry about getting the pronouns wrong. We only use gender-specific pronouns when we're talking about somebody, not when we're talking to them.

    The time to work on getting the pronouns right is when we're thinking about someone. Iif you can change the pronouns in your head you'll have trained yourself to be fully accepting. Since parents are inclined to think about their kids quite frequently, there'll be plenty of opportunity for practice.
     
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  6. JustLooking

    JustLooking Lurker

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    My Ex-Girlfriend who was born as male, just recently came out and started transitioning. It was really hard for me. I had to get her name and pronouns right. The name took sometime, the pronouns took longer. I walked to a transgender support group. It really helped me with pronouns and it helped her understand that pronouns take time. Maybe once everything lets up you could take your lovrd one to PLFAG group. They have two different groups normally. One is for teens, and one is for parents of lgbt children and lgbt parents. Its a nice way to connect and allow your child more experience in their coming out process and helping them build a supportive relationship with their peers.

    I think its great you're making a conscious effort to not only accept your child who they are but also affirm them. Allow them to truly be who they are meant to be. You sound like an amazing mom. Don't be to hard on yourself and give yourself time.
     

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